i am watching this movie prayers for bobby
on liftime right now. i usually avoid this channel because it seems to support plots that demean women and men by characterizing them as victims and victimizers. i happened to be flipping thru the channels on my way from cnn to the hgtv channel which i love, and came upon it during the opening scenes. i had not heard of this movie, and tonight was its premiere performance.
i can't believe that i am watching my life right before on this tv screen. except for the social class portrayed here in the film, i too grew up in a family that condemned being gay. i never put two and two together, never multiplied the implications of being abused in this family system first by a brother who sexually initiated me, and then emotionally and psychologically and spiritually by an intolerant 'family', who by their refusal to accept my orientation, rejected my essence, aborting me as a living being.
i didn't know i could cry so deeply and so hard and so long as years of pain come pouring out as i relate to the suffering of this young man.
i encourage my gay brothers who have endured this kind of suffering to see this movie, but know it will trigger much stuff.
i wonder what it would have been like to have been born into a family that did not do to me what mine did. to have been born into a family that was not steeped in sexual shame.
i wonder what it would be like to have ever been loved for no reason at all, just because. no wonder i have spent so much of my life trying to prove my own worth.
earlier in the day after getting home from work and relaxing while having lunch, i was watching the hgtv program house hunters. i could not believe my eyes. the episode i was watching featured a lesbian couple with two small children, a son and a daughter.
i wonder what a glorious existence it would have been to have been raised in a climate where there were no warring factions; where you would never have to worry about what your parents thought if you were gay or straight, where i just was not an issue.
the sun could rise and set, and even though there were remote wars and dangers abroad and in other places, home was always a safe place, a place where no matter what, you just knew every little thang was gonna be alright.
not having that ever, explains a lot to me about why, and who i have become the person i am today.
i didn't go to my mcc church service this evening because it snowed. i missed the opportunity for the fellowship we share as we go out together after services. but i really feel that i was meant to see this movie, however i wish i right there with my friends. i know wishes are for fairy godmothers, but i know the most important people in my life right now is that community of people who never question my existence or my essence.
would that i could be right with them now.
but, if i were, i would not be able to experience this moment of healing tears. i feel comforted knowing that i am loved by god, but it sure would be nice to feel him in skin and see his loving face in the person of my friends right now.