Wow! What a thread! So much has been said here that I could say exactly about myself.

wandering alone around the world
searching for the me that i lost
finding nothing like me anywhere
knowing that the search can go on forever and that what is gone is lost.
remembering that i was never afraid of anything before you.
knowing that its good for me to stand up to you
even now 40 years later and fight the battle that a man should have fought

Wandering? Yup! I'll tell you how many countries some day. Finding nothing like me anywhere? Yup. That too, until I came here. But the nothing is really a no one. But I too get the thing part. What is gone is lost. True. But in time as you learn that you cannot change the past, even as much as you would like to, we will, all of us, be survivors for the rest of our lives. And with that awareness, we can change how things might have been had we not started this journey. 40 years. 38 for me, and I have said out loud his name, for it is his shame. Not mine. When will the hatred go away? For me, probably never. But I don't expend as much energy in hating him as I used to. Its not worth it. He's dead. And he's not worth it. I can find better ways to work through my anger issues that result in more positive things, with better outcomes.

i can give you no more of me
i take back what was mine
and give it freely to those i love
knowing they are safe and they care

You have got this so bloody right! Absolutely! Don't give him another second. He was, and remains a lousy piece of shit no more deserving of your time, or of your life than that required to remove a piece of gum from your shoe and to toss it in the garbage. Toss him!

Island, you sound to me like you are really ready to attend a Weekend of Recovery. A WoR. Have you considered this? I attended a Level 1 last year, and I cannot tell you enough positive things about it. It was truly liberating to be with other men like me for the first time in my life. To laugh with, and to cry with, as we each told a little of our stories. Realizing that we truly are not alone anymore. Being together, disempowering the people who hurt us. Chucking the guilt, and the shame that has poisoned us, and our lives for so many years.

Well done Sir! Well done indeed! What a thread!

Jim

nomansanisland, Wish I could find some equally powerful words to describe that, but I only have two - I cried...thanks.

anyone,

i re-read this alot , it reminds me of what i went through..it always sparks new messages for me. its cathartic to see what you think and it does help...blessings
nomananisland

nomanisanisland,

I don't know about you but I'm still very much in the phase where I find myself trying to find things I read or trying to remember where I saw something that particularly touched me. I was so glad that you added post came up on the new posts yesterday as I had the chance to find and read this again...I had first found it when I was very new here, not just still new like now.lol Like all the other guys there are lines which haunt me and I'm very glad to have found them again. At least for me, you really captured in very few words that feeling of this person in your head affecting every relationship you have, every emotion you feel...he makes you feel horrible things about yourself...it gets kinda overwhelming at times.

I then remembered that we had "posted" in the past and that you had remarked on some of our similarities and indeed this presence of our respective perps in our lives is a real particular aspect to our stories. If it interests you, I put up a much fuller version which are in my links pt 1 and 2 below. I was just thinking about all this as usual and thought I'd give a shout out. Misery loves company right? no damn it! Recovery loves company is the new slogan!

sono