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#29965 - 03/16/05 09:01 PM Please help, what should I do?
Mark R. Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/05
Posts: 28
Loc: Santa Cruz, CA
What should I do? I just learned that the guy who molested me for 5 years is dead. He had a son that was 4 the last time I saw him over 35 years ago. I am feeling really guilty that by not speaking up I let his father abuse him too. I want to contact him and tell him I am sorry, that I was older and should have said something. I know that it was beyond my control, that I am the victim. But by my silence, I made him a victim too. I don't want to ruin his life by telling him that his father was a child molester. But if he did, I want to reach out to him. Am I somehow trying to reach out to myself? By telling him I’m sorry am I telling myself? AM I seeking forgiveness? What should I do? How do I even bring up the topic of his possible abuse? He might not be able to deal with this. He may be keeping it a secret, hiding in shame, or he may be OK. I do know that he is a loner and has had a failed divorce. His siblings refer to him as an "odd duck." This to me is a sign that he has issues. What would you do if someone called you and told you your father was an abuser? I know it would be devastating to learn and what is the purpose, what good is it to hurt his children? I don’t want to tell him something that would be devastating for the memory of his father. It's OK to Email me with an answer or post here.

_________________________
In others we find strength to face our monster, in helping others we can become the giant that defeats the monsters.

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#29966 - 03/16/05 09:12 PM Re: Please help, what should I do?
Andrew Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/25/03
Posts: 1192
Mark, I absolutely would not approach the son at all. If he was a victim, it won't help him to know that his father molested others also. Just my opinion. Peace, Andrew

_________________________
there is no courage without anxiety

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#29967 - 03/17/05 12:52 AM Re: Please help, what should I do?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Mark
when he's ready, he'll seek help.

As much as we'd all like to 'save' every other possible Survivor. we can't.
We can save ourselves though, that's our priority.

It isn't easy, knowing that someone else could be hurting like we do is difficult. But caring enough to think about helping is a good thing to do.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#29968 - 03/17/05 06:07 PM Re: Please help, what should I do?
Curtis St. John Offline
Past President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/20/04
Posts: 1796
Loc: Westchester, N.Y.
Triggers

Quote:
I am feeling really guilty that by not speaking up I let his father abuse him too.
Listen, none of us were ready to tell. If we were, we would have.

My abuse ended when my abuser killed an eighteen-year-old boy.

Perhaps if I told someone what was going on, that boy would be alive today… but I knew I couldn’t tell and I don’t blame myself for that, I was 10.

Twenty-three years later when I testified at a retention hearing for my abuser and a year after that when I reached out to the community about the importance of men finding help to deal with their “past”, more people came forward and every one of them felt that maybe if they said something…

We were all just kids, controlled by someone that was an expert at getting to kids, taking advantage of them, and keeping them quiet.

I just wanted to say that for anyone that may still think anything was his fault.

Take care,


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#29969 - 03/17/05 06:18 PM Re: Please help, what should I do?
Mark R. Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/05
Posts: 28
Loc: Santa Cruz, CA
Thank you. It is amazing how we as victims feel responsible for our abuse. I didn't begin to feel responsible until I became a parent and sought to protect my own children.

_________________________
In others we find strength to face our monster, in helping others we can become the giant that defeats the monsters.

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#29970 - 03/17/05 06:48 PM Re: Please help, what should I do?
Ken Followell Offline
President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 12/30/01
Posts: 990
Loc: Bradenton, FL
I know how you are feeling. I keep silent about my abuse and my younger brother was abused by the same men who abused me.

After I recovered the memory of my abuse, I wanted to speak with my brother and did. He acknowledged that he was also abused by the uncles who abused me, but was very angry that I had begun speaking of my abuse. He wanted to keep his abuse a secret. He never lost memory of his abuse and purposefully had said nothing about it. He was aware of my abuse even when I had buried that knowledge. Although he does not blame me for the abuse, he is very angry that I have made others (family members) aware of his abuse. I never said he was abused, but in speaking of my abuse our family put the pieces together and figured out that he had also been abused.

Although it was good for me to speak with him. It was not good for him. Our relationship as adults has never been good and it is even worse now. So I would also recommend not speaking to the son. He will seek help when and if it is appropriate for him and he is ready to be helped. If at that time he makes his abuse public, then speaking with him will be helpful. Until then it is only for yourself that you would be having that conversation.

Ken

_________________________
Ken Followell

Everything works out right in the end. If things are not working right, it isn't the end yet. Don't let it bother you, relax and keep on goin
- Michael C. Muhammad

"I get up. I walk. I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing."
� Rabbi Hillel

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#29971 - 03/18/05 09:42 PM Re: Please help, what should I do?
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Mark,

There may be stuff here that could trigger you, so please proceed cautiously & read when you're strongly grounded.

When I was 11, I was abused and raped repeatedly by a middle school guidance counselor, a man who had a strong position dealing with vulnerable students.

He tried to kill me at least twice, and told me he'd "finish the job" if I told, so I repressed the entire memory. I didn't tell anyone. I kick myself to this day, believing if I had been a little bit stronger and told someone, not only would MY abuse end, but perhaps the others who I know now he was MOST DEFINITLY abusing.

The thing is that it wasn't my fault. I'm NOT responsible for what HE chose to do. HE was the abuser, not me.

The same goes for you, my friend.

I'm so sorry you had this happen to you, and for the guilt you've carried all these years. What a damn pity we're made to carry the ball for THEIR actions.

I know the guilt you're feeling. It'll pass. And please take care of YOURSELF first. That's your most important job now. The other stuff isn't your responsability.

We're here for you if you need us.

(((((((((((Mark))))))))))))

Peace and love,

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#29972 - 03/18/05 10:02 PM Re: Please help, what should I do?
Brayton Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
I suppose that it is possible that he was not abused. If he was, however, it was not your fault. How do you think you could've possibly intervened in the state you have been because you are trying to deal with the effects of your own abuse?

Since you have no other connection with that family, stay away. It is quite another thing if you are contacted by him as it would be if you were friends or relatives.

I think your urge to intervene now may very well be an indirect way of blaming yourself for your own abuse. Or, perhaps you are reaching out to the child you were, the child who was so brutally treated, in an effort to move on.

I suggest using this urge to acheive 'contact' with the child part of you which still holds all the pain that resulted from what happened to you. Be his friend. Be his confidant. Be his protector. All of what you should have had, as a child, but were denied.

_________________________
Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

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#29973 - 03/21/05 01:43 AM Re: Please help, what should I do?
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Mark - it was 1969 when I was abused & I only reported it on 17th OCtober last year.

I know that I am not the only victim, but I am the only one that has reported it.

I have stopped/am stopping the cycle now!

NO ONE ELSE REPORTED BEING ABUSED BY THIS PERP - I bet that when my case goes to court, other victims/survivors will appear.

Can you approach the son of a paedophile after all this time? I don't know - maybe he knows / maybe he doesn't.

You can give clues from your own perspective & see if he picks up on anything.

I really wish we didn't need this site, but I'm so pleased it's here.

Best wishes ..RIk

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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