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#299487 - 08/16/09 06:27 AM scary dads
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
In responding to two people's threads this morning, I was struck by some commonalities and wanted to just ask for thoughts.

I was wondering how many of us had that dad you and everyone else was afraid of. I don't really mean in a CSA way, I mean the way they did everything they did, interacted with our mothers, treated the whole family and so on. This is the kind of father you certainly wouldn't bring any other kids into contact with (if you had other kids around you). Did they make you feel weird about YOU were supposed to act? Could you measure up to being man enough for these guys?

I'm writing about mine a bit in a more expanded version of my story I'm writing for myself therapeutically and will probably post, This is making me think about this guy quite a bit. Now that I think about it he's never been terribly far from my thoughts, which is REALLY odd considering how not close we were. Curiously I was trying to think of what I called him, dad, father, SOB, I'm not sure. Actually I think I avoided calling him anything. Just "you"...nothing feels right when I day it out loud. Ok, enough musing, I've gotten away from my question which is meant to be more about you than what you think about me...for a change!!

_________________________
the family
the perp

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#299495 - 08/16/09 08:15 AM Re: scary dads [Re: sono]
boylikeme Offline


Registered: 08/10/09
Posts: 546
Loc: hell

my dad is very scary. i have nightmares bout my dad but not bout the other guy.

i was never good enough for my dad, he always told me i was weak or weird or probably not even his. he called me a poof or nancy boy before i even started school.. so when things started happening with a man i wasnt even really too surprised..

cant even remember calling him dad to his face.. hes always just been "Sir"

havent seen him in 8 months n i dont think i want to

_________________________
Everybody’s screaming - I try to make a sound but no one hears me (Untitled - Simple Plan)

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#299499 - 08/16/09 09:42 AM Re: scary dads [Re: sono]
myboyhoodfears Offline


Registered: 03/13/09
Posts: 457
.





Edited by myboyhoodfears (08/31/09 03:35 AM)
_________________________
Post Nubilia Pheobus

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#299505 - 08/16/09 10:39 AM Re: scary dads [Re: myboyhoodfears]
Tedure Offline


Registered: 04/17/09
Posts: 203
Loc: Utah
My Grandfather was a raging, abusive alcoholic.
Considering all this, my Dad was doing good just to survive let alone
function as a father. I feel he needed medication and therapy for
mental illness and abuse. Sadly he never got the help he needed. He was retained a year in school separating him from his twin and soon dropped out of school in the ninth grade.
Because he never received any help in dealing with the alcoholism and abuse from his own dad, it was impossible for him to calm the storm in his life. Unfortunately he became a social recluse and a "Rageaholic."

I only talked to him if I wanted money or the car. We had no
relationship at all. I guess you could say that the only sex
education I got from my dad was his frequent use of the "F" word. He
literally did not talk to me except to give orders or swear.
Because of his violent outburst, I was terrified of him. I never talked back or disobeyed for fear of being hit or kicked. I was the middle of 5 boys with one
older sister who got pregnant and married at 15. My brother just older
than me and the one I am closest to did not fare the storm of our father’s abuse either. He has attempted suicide, spent time in the Psych-Ward, belongs to several support groups, has been divorced, excommunicated and is currently receiving therapy and counseling for
his sexual addictions and emotional problems. With all this help,
today he is doing pretty well, and has a
wonderful wife who literally saved his life. She herself is a
recovering alcoholic.
I have heard people say, “ I never once heard my parents speak a cross word to each other.”…well I can’t remember a day that I didn’t hear a cross word. I am sure there must have been some but I don’t remember any.

I have tried to be a better father than the last two generations.
Today my life is blessed.

Take care, Ted

_________________________
When you change the way you look at things the things you look at change.

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#299508 - 08/16/09 11:07 AM Re: scary dads [Re: Tedure]
Casmir213 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/09
Posts: 845
Loc: Northeast, USA
My father was a hard-core alcoholic in a co-dependent relationship with my mother and as a result he was completely unapproachable as a human being. He was scary in the sense that we as a family had to be subjected on a daily basis to the worry, fear, and shame that his constant drunken state caused us to feel. In this sense we were all prisoners of his alcoholism.

For me, his only heterosexual son, I was initiated, indoctrinated, and thoroughly steeped in the isolation and shame of his example of what it means to be a man. A man is someone who is totally isolated from the rest of the world and suffers his shame and profound pain in his own personal silent hell. Now that's what I call scary. A big part of my recovery means separating myself from the shame, isolation, and messages that my father's example/influence had on me.

Rocco

_________________________
I see recovery as a lifelong journey rather than a final destination, a journey, though, which can have many successes along the way.

WoR Alumnus - Hope Springs, OH, October 2009

My avatar is the farmhouse at the Hope Spring, OH WoR. It's a nice place.

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#299515 - 08/16/09 11:38 AM Re: scary dads [Re: sono]
Ornias Offline


Registered: 08/13/09
Posts: 310
my bio dad was so freaken mean , he never did anything gross but he was abusive in other ways, like other people i never called him dad wasnt allowed, it was yes sir no sir ext. he had these laws he would drill into my head daily like a session in school or something, being sick was a sing of weakness so when i got sick i would try and hide it , needing things was a sign of weakness so he always made you control your needs like eating or using the bathroom. he hit my mom a lot, she was never honey or sweety , she was just women, he said it like it was something no one should dare to be , she was a slave , a dog was worth more in his eyes then a women, they were only good for a couple things, making babies and cooking dinner thats it.
he died when i was like 8, when my mom told me he had died the first thing i said was, " does that mean i get xmas presents now? " i was just so glad, i was tired of being spanked and having to make sure i was man enough. so when my mom remarried my person, he was like sunlight.

_________________________
its not easy to hide all this damage inside,
and ill carry it w
ith me until i'm not alive.

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#299556 - 08/16/09 05:44 PM Re: scary dads [Re: Ornias]
jnj Offline


Registered: 09/30/08
Posts: 27
Loc: UK
My father was not scary as such but he had that ability to always make me feel I was never good enough, my grades unless A were a disapointement, if i didnt win at every sport I entered I felt he thought I let him down. My father is Turkish and if there ever was a mans man, he is it and although I never felt physically scared of him, mentally was a different story. Man could he make me feel worthless with a look. I actually wrote to him a few years ago to tell him how he made me feel, He disowned me and I no longer know where he is or even if he is alive. I should explain he was not my CSA but I suppose in his own way he did abuse me mentally.

However I did have the most fantastic Grandfather (my mothers father) a boy could wish for, he was the man I wished my father could have been. If I am half the man he was then that would make me very happy indeed.

Unfortunatly he died whilst I was on holiday when I was 14 and that left a massive hole in my life which no one could ever fill. But I have a photo of him in my bedroom and I look at it most days and thank him.

I told no one about my CSA when it was happening but looking back I think my Grandfather may have thought something was up, He took me out of that boarding school where I was abused and from there on I lived mostly with my grandparents. He enrolled me in the local boxing school and in his own way I think he tried to make things right.

If ever a boy needed someone, I needed that man.

Godbless you Grandad.

_________________________
I started out with nothing and I still got most of it left.

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#299637 - 08/17/09 11:08 AM Re: scary dads [Re: jnj]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
I never related to my father and thought I was NOT good enough. My dad was like his father. I got the usual "wait until your father gets home. My dad is a lifer in the Air Force. He has the My father was a workaholic. My grandfather - dads dad was a monster. My dad is a typical stoic german.

I was very angry at my father for the csa issue but that is other threads.

Peace,
DJ

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#299684 - 08/17/09 04:01 PM . [Re: DJsport]
bardo213 Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
.


Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 09:12 PM)

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#299710 - 08/17/09 08:22 PM Re: scary dads [Re: bardo213]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 862
Loc: washington
sono,

First, I would like to say, I have since mended fences with my old man...!!!

But, when I was growing up, my dad was really scary. He was a rager (no alcohol needed). He had swear words jumping out of his mouth that were ten miles long.

Ultimately, I think he is a good man, that has, had problems with identifying his feelings...which always led straight to anger.

This is a family of origin issue.


We Didn't Start the Fire (Billy Joel)

island

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#299745 - 08/18/09 07:21 AM Re: scary dads [Re: 1islandboy]
LilacLouie Offline


Registered: 07/02/09
Posts: 359
Loc: Utah
I can't say anything about my dad, I really didn't know him. My grandfather, he never did any CSA or SSA on me. He tried awfully hard to be my father and my grandfather, failed terribly at both. But if anything he was the best friend I ever had. And I think that alone is worth far more to me than either father or grandfather, or even both combined.


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#299963 - 08/20/09 02:57 AM Re: scary dads [Re: LilacLouie]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
My dad was a type-A business executive at a big industrial company, who liked to constantly put me down and tell me that I was stupid or that I wouldn't amount to anything. He could be violent when he didn't get his way, and when I was younger he beat me a number of times. He was a pretty tough guy from suburban Boston who served in the Army in the Korean War. I'll never forget the day when I was 17 when we got into a fracas when he tried to take a pay phone away from me and he found-out the hard way that I had him on reach by several inches. His physical abuse of me ended that day in 1974, though his emotional abuse of me went on for another 13 years until a really out of control episode when I was age 30 when he beat my mother because he was afraid of me by then. I broke it up and got in his face, pushed him up against the wall, and made some threats. By then I outweighed him by 60 lbs and had him by 6 inches on height. Afterwards I wouldn't have anything more to do with him for almost 10 years. These days what he did would be called physical and emotional abuse. He also cheated on my mother repeatedly and then there was his whole oddball religion thing too. His level of income provided our family with some opportunities that many didn't have. But was all of his anger, violence, and emotional abuse worth the extra income he earned?

I have worked hard to become much more assertive and learn to stand-up for myself. I still have some really thick custom-made teflon walls that I only use when I am confronted or when someone puts me down. I have tried for years to allow myself to trust others again and operate freely and without trepidation outside my walls, and I have done pretty well most of the time. A book that I would recommend for the survivor of physical or emotional abuse at the hand of their father or mother is John Bradshaw's book THE FAMILY, which I found helpful myself, along with his book HEALING THE SHAME THAT BINDS YOU. There is often a lot of shame to overcome and self-esteem to rebuild when we are victimized by our fathers. Check-out Matthew McKay's book SELF ESTEEM, to help restore your self-esteem.

My mom's stepdad (the man that I knew as my grandfather) was a really great man who really looked-out for me when I was younger. His death at my age of nearly 14 was a great loss for me. Those 3 years between my grandfather's death and the showdown at the Ponderosa Steakhouse over the payphone were a really tough time of my life, and my father was quite hurtful to me during that period, even though he didn't molest me.

Hope that you guys that are still hurting can deal with your shame, improve your self-esteem, and move forward in your lives without the anchor of physical and emotional abuse tied around your neck like mine was. Here too, recovery is possible.

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#300008 - 08/20/09 12:32 PM Re: scary dads [Re: 1islandboy]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
I wanted to add to this post.

In my recovery, I have determined with all probablility my dad was abused as well.

When I started to realize this and accept his played out role in my life I forgave myself for being treated the way I was treated.

DJ

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#300028 - 08/20/09 04:08 PM Re: scary dads [Re: DJsport]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
Hey guys,

As the person who started this thread, I've been trying for some time now to write something worthy of the experiences you all have shared. I can find no suitable words other than the hope this particular sharing has been as meaningful as reading these posts has been. I am certain from personal experience that it was painful for many of you to re-live those memories.

I particular, I'd like to thank Trucker51 for those fascinating sounding books on this topic. I'll be getting them for sure. I keep thinking that I have to look back BEFORE the time of my own csa to fully understand the csa.

I am feeling like I should make another step and try to write that story.

thanks,

_________________________
the family
the perp

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#300376 - 08/24/09 01:04 PM Re: scary dads [Re: sono]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Hi, all.

I wanted to add - As a distant father from my own children - I want to be able to change this father imagine in my family.

Take care and Peace,
DJ

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#308057 - 10/25/09 08:30 PM Re: scary dads [Re: sono]
nevragan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/22/08
Posts: 907
Loc: NC
I know this is an older post but I wanted to contribute to it once I read the moms post. Thanks Sono for starting both posts.

My dad is a scary person to be under his control. He rules the household and nobody questions him. It's his way and that is final. He is a wolf in sheep's clothing. He is all sweet and nice to the outside world but once the door is closed, hell breaks loose. As I have found in the last year, he is really a wimp once you stand up to him. I told him about my perp and being raped, he came unglued. I never thought that would happen but it did. He threatened me and told me I was at fault and how he wants to fly across country to kick my ass. I told him to bring it on, it's been almost a year and he must have gotten lost. I remember when I was around 7-8 years old. Dad threw Coke in mom's face for her saying something about how he cooked lunch. He has given her dead orchids on their anniversary before. He has been in numerous fights when he was younger. My mom has had to administer first aid to his dumb ass several times. Some of this is comical looking back. Let see what else. Oh road rage comes to mind. All of us in the car or truck could have died numerous times with his road rage. He pissed off some guy one time on a mountain pass in Colorado. The guy pulled out a gun and pointed it at us. I was riding shot gun at the time. It scared the shit out of me. The gun was the only thing that made him back down otherwise he would have run him off the road.

Dad was good at verbal and emotional abuse. He'd treat the dog better than us most of the time. Then again, the dog I had growing up almost died in front of me due to him. Dad was trying to give my dog a bath with the garden hose. It was summertime and the dog wasn't having a good time. Dad beat that dog till he almost died. It scared me so bad that I was shaking. My dog made it thru and dad acted like nothing happened. The dog feared him from that time on. Another dog I had bit my dad because he tried to beat him also. My dad wasn't happy and I secretly thought it was funny he got bit.

The verbal and emotional abuse went on from the time I was about 5 till about a year ago when I broke off the relationship. 23 years of hell in the making. In a way I wish things would have worked but I'm happier without him today. I never want to talk to him again. He ruined his chance by the way he acted when I told him I had been raped. His fear of homosexuality came out that day. That's another subject. He is a homophobe to the core. I would marry another guy just to piss him off if I still had contact with him. You could say I have some deep seated anger and you would be correct.

This one hurts. I was about 12 going on 13 when I had to take my train set apart and put it away. I had built a train table that had buildings, streets, houses and little cars. I spent lots of time and effort to build it. It took me about two years to build what I had. Dad decided to give me an ultimatum that I was getting too old to play with trains and that I had one week to disassemble it or he would come in and destroy it. I knew how dad could be. I knew he would be good for his word and destroy it. It hurt me so much to tear apart something I spent so much effort on. After I tore it apart, he went about life as nothing happened. I give him two birds for that.

During technical school. Dad decided to tell his boss off and get fired one day. Two out of three years of school, I starved. I was going to school full time and was working for my instructor after school. Dad sat on his ass and did nothing. All my money went into the gas tank. I weighed a whopping 135lbs at almost 6' tall.

Dad has never been very good at keeping a job. His mouth always overrode his brains. He has had more jobs than I'll ever have girlfriends. Fired should be his middle name. Anyway, enough of my rambling.

In an effort to make myself feel better, I wrote dear old dad a letter. It was a parting of ways type of letter. I told him of all the hurt and anger I had over his ways. I told him how I hated his disapproval of whatever I had liked; train set, model cars, etc. I told him about all the grief and heartbreak that he had caused me. I know my letter cut to the bone. My mom told me about how he was rattled severely after he read it. He didn't say anything for days. This is my dad and all that he has to offer. Thank you for listening.


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#308066 - 10/25/09 08:54 PM Re: scary dads [Re: nevragan]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Nevragan,

I am listening to you.

I m so sorry you endured that kind of treatment. My dad is an asshole too.

I disowned my dad of my youth along time ago. He has never responded to me.

It hurts I know.

DJ

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#308128 - 10/26/09 03:41 AM Re: scary dads [Re: DJsport]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
Hey Nevragan,

Like DJ, I'm listening too. Reading your post today along with a couple of others makes some of this seem like more than a coincidence that so many of us had the same kind of first class asshole for a father. Well, I suppose the psych people have. Having this kind of father though,has to leave some kind of exploitable hole in us that many perps can sense on a subconscious if not conscious level.

Thanks for reviving this...maybe some of the newer guys will venture into this difficult territory.

sono

_________________________
the family
the perp

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#308129 - 10/26/09 04:19 AM Re: scary dads [Re: sono]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Dads can be scary in more ways than one. Knew dad was mean at times. Violent at others but never thought he would actually kill anyone.:-(

I was wrong.


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#308136 - 10/26/09 07:27 AM Re: scary dads [Re: Freedom49]
TGIK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/11/09
Posts: 72
Loc: NY,NY 10011
When I was really young my dad had the reputation as a man who beat his wife. I remember having been black and blue from one of his beatings. Once he got physically sick he lost some of that menace. He just quit life, sat back in front of the tv and never did anything for himself or anyone else. He never talked to me. We haven't spoken in nearly 20 years.

Tgik


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#308246 - 10/26/09 10:12 PM Re: scary dads [Re: TGIK]
takingflight Offline


Registered: 09/23/09
Posts: 32
Oh man... TGIK

I have forgiven him, he died in 1997 and I hardly ever think of him anymore, but....

He killed his first wife, he killed animals, he molested his step son, the neighbor girl, he beat and yelled, and drank, and everyone hated him. He was a bully and a coward. Everyone left him, except me. I finally struck back at age 15. I was a giant by then and towered over him, he beat me in a chess game, and gave that insane guffaw of his, and said I was retard. I smashed my fist into his hand so hard I broke 3 bones in it. He screamed. I said, you are done picking on me, touch me again, and I'll beat you to death. He stayed cowed around me for the rest of his life after that - about 25 years.


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#308644 - 10/30/09 01:19 PM Re: scary dads [Re: takingflight]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Here is my tribute to good old dad. Your still alive but NOT living.

Your missing out on knowing the best son you will ever have.

Goodbye Dad.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=49aUJMsK05c

PS. I have listened to this song for the last time with regret. I listen to it with peace in my heart knowing dad messed up NOT me.



Edited by DJsport (10/30/09 02:26 PM)
_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#308646 - 10/30/09 02:22 PM Re: scary dads [Re: DJsport]
boylikeme Offline


Registered: 08/10/09
Posts: 546
Loc: hell
ok.. this song is for my dad then..



_________________________
Everybody’s screaming - I try to make a sound but no one hears me (Untitled - Simple Plan)

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#308667 - 10/30/09 08:04 PM Re: scary dads [Re: TGIK]
alan55 Offline


Registered: 08/19/09
Posts: 202
Loc: Seattle, WA
My Dad died suddenly the week of Christmas in 1991. He was 66. As I grew up there were numerous times he hit,punched or shook me. I tried hard to please him and to do what a little boy thinks he should to be good and do right. More often than not, it wasn't good enough. As was posted earlier here, perps seem to have a radar for us and we show up loud and clear. Mine did.It wasn't all hatred and violence all the time. My birthday was remembered. Family holidays were usually good, some great. But those were the only days it was calm. School games or performances were never attended by my folks. Wish they would have, they would have seen a boy do an academy performance. But since they didn't deem it worthy of their time, they missed it. Kind of glad he left when I was 10.


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#308787 - 10/31/09 02:59 PM Re: scary dads [Re: alan55]
boylikeme Offline


Registered: 08/10/09
Posts: 546
Loc: hell


_________________________
Everybody’s screaming - I try to make a sound but no one hears me (Untitled - Simple Plan)

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