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#299745 - 08/18/09 07:21 AM Re: scary dads [Re: 1islandboy]
LilacLouie Offline


Registered: 07/02/09
Posts: 359
Loc: Utah
I can't say anything about my dad, I really didn't know him. My grandfather, he never did any CSA or SSA on me. He tried awfully hard to be my father and my grandfather, failed terribly at both. But if anything he was the best friend I ever had. And I think that alone is worth far more to me than either father or grandfather, or even both combined.


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#299963 - 08/20/09 02:57 AM Re: scary dads [Re: LilacLouie]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
My dad was a type-A business executive at a big industrial company, who liked to constantly put me down and tell me that I was stupid or that I wouldn't amount to anything. He could be violent when he didn't get his way, and when I was younger he beat me a number of times. He was a pretty tough guy from suburban Boston who served in the Army in the Korean War. I'll never forget the day when I was 17 when we got into a fracas when he tried to take a pay phone away from me and he found-out the hard way that I had him on reach by several inches. His physical abuse of me ended that day in 1974, though his emotional abuse of me went on for another 13 years until a really out of control episode when I was age 30 when he beat my mother because he was afraid of me by then. I broke it up and got in his face, pushed him up against the wall, and made some threats. By then I outweighed him by 60 lbs and had him by 6 inches on height. Afterwards I wouldn't have anything more to do with him for almost 10 years. These days what he did would be called physical and emotional abuse. He also cheated on my mother repeatedly and then there was his whole oddball religion thing too. His level of income provided our family with some opportunities that many didn't have. But was all of his anger, violence, and emotional abuse worth the extra income he earned?

I have worked hard to become much more assertive and learn to stand-up for myself. I still have some really thick custom-made teflon walls that I only use when I am confronted or when someone puts me down. I have tried for years to allow myself to trust others again and operate freely and without trepidation outside my walls, and I have done pretty well most of the time. A book that I would recommend for the survivor of physical or emotional abuse at the hand of their father or mother is John Bradshaw's book THE FAMILY, which I found helpful myself, along with his book HEALING THE SHAME THAT BINDS YOU. There is often a lot of shame to overcome and self-esteem to rebuild when we are victimized by our fathers. Check-out Matthew McKay's book SELF ESTEEM, to help restore your self-esteem.

My mom's stepdad (the man that I knew as my grandfather) was a really great man who really looked-out for me when I was younger. His death at my age of nearly 14 was a great loss for me. Those 3 years between my grandfather's death and the showdown at the Ponderosa Steakhouse over the payphone were a really tough time of my life, and my father was quite hurtful to me during that period, even though he didn't molest me.

Hope that you guys that are still hurting can deal with your shame, improve your self-esteem, and move forward in your lives without the anchor of physical and emotional abuse tied around your neck like mine was. Here too, recovery is possible.

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#300008 - 08/20/09 12:32 PM Re: scary dads [Re: 1islandboy]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
I wanted to add to this post.

In my recovery, I have determined with all probablility my dad was abused as well.

When I started to realize this and accept his played out role in my life I forgave myself for being treated the way I was treated.

DJ

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#300028 - 08/20/09 04:08 PM Re: scary dads [Re: DJsport]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
Hey guys,

As the person who started this thread, I've been trying for some time now to write something worthy of the experiences you all have shared. I can find no suitable words other than the hope this particular sharing has been as meaningful as reading these posts has been. I am certain from personal experience that it was painful for many of you to re-live those memories.

I particular, I'd like to thank Trucker51 for those fascinating sounding books on this topic. I'll be getting them for sure. I keep thinking that I have to look back BEFORE the time of my own csa to fully understand the csa.

I am feeling like I should make another step and try to write that story.

thanks,

_________________________
the family
the perp

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#300376 - 08/24/09 01:04 PM Re: scary dads [Re: sono]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Hi, all.

I wanted to add - As a distant father from my own children - I want to be able to change this father imagine in my family.

Take care and Peace,
DJ

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#308057 - 10/25/09 08:30 PM Re: scary dads [Re: sono]
nevragan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/22/08
Posts: 907
Loc: NC
I know this is an older post but I wanted to contribute to it once I read the moms post. Thanks Sono for starting both posts.

My dad is a scary person to be under his control. He rules the household and nobody questions him. It's his way and that is final. He is a wolf in sheep's clothing. He is all sweet and nice to the outside world but once the door is closed, hell breaks loose. As I have found in the last year, he is really a wimp once you stand up to him. I told him about my perp and being raped, he came unglued. I never thought that would happen but it did. He threatened me and told me I was at fault and how he wants to fly across country to kick my ass. I told him to bring it on, it's been almost a year and he must have gotten lost. I remember when I was around 7-8 years old. Dad threw Coke in mom's face for her saying something about how he cooked lunch. He has given her dead orchids on their anniversary before. He has been in numerous fights when he was younger. My mom has had to administer first aid to his dumb ass several times. Some of this is comical looking back. Let see what else. Oh road rage comes to mind. All of us in the car or truck could have died numerous times with his road rage. He pissed off some guy one time on a mountain pass in Colorado. The guy pulled out a gun and pointed it at us. I was riding shot gun at the time. It scared the shit out of me. The gun was the only thing that made him back down otherwise he would have run him off the road.

Dad was good at verbal and emotional abuse. He'd treat the dog better than us most of the time. Then again, the dog I had growing up almost died in front of me due to him. Dad was trying to give my dog a bath with the garden hose. It was summertime and the dog wasn't having a good time. Dad beat that dog till he almost died. It scared me so bad that I was shaking. My dog made it thru and dad acted like nothing happened. The dog feared him from that time on. Another dog I had bit my dad because he tried to beat him also. My dad wasn't happy and I secretly thought it was funny he got bit.

The verbal and emotional abuse went on from the time I was about 5 till about a year ago when I broke off the relationship. 23 years of hell in the making. In a way I wish things would have worked but I'm happier without him today. I never want to talk to him again. He ruined his chance by the way he acted when I told him I had been raped. His fear of homosexuality came out that day. That's another subject. He is a homophobe to the core. I would marry another guy just to piss him off if I still had contact with him. You could say I have some deep seated anger and you would be correct.

This one hurts. I was about 12 going on 13 when I had to take my train set apart and put it away. I had built a train table that had buildings, streets, houses and little cars. I spent lots of time and effort to build it. It took me about two years to build what I had. Dad decided to give me an ultimatum that I was getting too old to play with trains and that I had one week to disassemble it or he would come in and destroy it. I knew how dad could be. I knew he would be good for his word and destroy it. It hurt me so much to tear apart something I spent so much effort on. After I tore it apart, he went about life as nothing happened. I give him two birds for that.

During technical school. Dad decided to tell his boss off and get fired one day. Two out of three years of school, I starved. I was going to school full time and was working for my instructor after school. Dad sat on his ass and did nothing. All my money went into the gas tank. I weighed a whopping 135lbs at almost 6' tall.

Dad has never been very good at keeping a job. His mouth always overrode his brains. He has had more jobs than I'll ever have girlfriends. Fired should be his middle name. Anyway, enough of my rambling.

In an effort to make myself feel better, I wrote dear old dad a letter. It was a parting of ways type of letter. I told him of all the hurt and anger I had over his ways. I told him how I hated his disapproval of whatever I had liked; train set, model cars, etc. I told him about all the grief and heartbreak that he had caused me. I know my letter cut to the bone. My mom told me about how he was rattled severely after he read it. He didn't say anything for days. This is my dad and all that he has to offer. Thank you for listening.


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#308066 - 10/25/09 08:54 PM Re: scary dads [Re: nevragan]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Nevragan,

I am listening to you.

I m so sorry you endured that kind of treatment. My dad is an asshole too.

I disowned my dad of my youth along time ago. He has never responded to me.

It hurts I know.

DJ

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#308128 - 10/26/09 03:41 AM Re: scary dads [Re: DJsport]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
Hey Nevragan,

Like DJ, I'm listening too. Reading your post today along with a couple of others makes some of this seem like more than a coincidence that so many of us had the same kind of first class asshole for a father. Well, I suppose the psych people have. Having this kind of father though,has to leave some kind of exploitable hole in us that many perps can sense on a subconscious if not conscious level.

Thanks for reviving this...maybe some of the newer guys will venture into this difficult territory.

sono

_________________________
the family
the perp

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#308129 - 10/26/09 04:19 AM Re: scary dads [Re: sono]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Dads can be scary in more ways than one. Knew dad was mean at times. Violent at others but never thought he would actually kill anyone.:-(

I was wrong.


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#308136 - 10/26/09 07:27 AM Re: scary dads [Re: Freedom49]
TGIK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/11/09
Posts: 72
Loc: NY,NY 10011
When I was really young my dad had the reputation as a man who beat his wife. I remember having been black and blue from one of his beatings. Once he got physically sick he lost some of that menace. He just quit life, sat back in front of the tv and never did anything for himself or anyone else. He never talked to me. We haven't spoken in nearly 20 years.

Tgik


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