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#299487 - 08/16/09 06:27 AM scary dads
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
In responding to two people's threads this morning, I was struck by some commonalities and wanted to just ask for thoughts.

I was wondering how many of us had that dad you and everyone else was afraid of. I don't really mean in a CSA way, I mean the way they did everything they did, interacted with our mothers, treated the whole family and so on. This is the kind of father you certainly wouldn't bring any other kids into contact with (if you had other kids around you). Did they make you feel weird about YOU were supposed to act? Could you measure up to being man enough for these guys?

I'm writing about mine a bit in a more expanded version of my story I'm writing for myself therapeutically and will probably post, This is making me think about this guy quite a bit. Now that I think about it he's never been terribly far from my thoughts, which is REALLY odd considering how not close we were. Curiously I was trying to think of what I called him, dad, father, SOB, I'm not sure. Actually I think I avoided calling him anything. Just "you"...nothing feels right when I day it out loud. Ok, enough musing, I've gotten away from my question which is meant to be more about you than what you think about me...for a change!!

_________________________
the family
the perp

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#299495 - 08/16/09 08:15 AM Re: scary dads [Re: sono]
boylikeme Offline


Registered: 08/10/09
Posts: 546
Loc: hell

my dad is very scary. i have nightmares bout my dad but not bout the other guy.

i was never good enough for my dad, he always told me i was weak or weird or probably not even his. he called me a poof or nancy boy before i even started school.. so when things started happening with a man i wasnt even really too surprised..

cant even remember calling him dad to his face.. hes always just been "Sir"

havent seen him in 8 months n i dont think i want to

_________________________
Everybody’s screaming - I try to make a sound but no one hears me (Untitled - Simple Plan)

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#299499 - 08/16/09 09:42 AM Re: scary dads [Re: sono]
myboyhoodfears Offline


Registered: 03/13/09
Posts: 457
.





Edited by myboyhoodfears (08/31/09 03:35 AM)
_________________________
Post Nubilia Pheobus

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#299505 - 08/16/09 10:39 AM Re: scary dads [Re: myboyhoodfears]
Tedure Offline


Registered: 04/17/09
Posts: 203
Loc: Utah
My Grandfather was a raging, abusive alcoholic.
Considering all this, my Dad was doing good just to survive let alone
function as a father. I feel he needed medication and therapy for
mental illness and abuse. Sadly he never got the help he needed. He was retained a year in school separating him from his twin and soon dropped out of school in the ninth grade.
Because he never received any help in dealing with the alcoholism and abuse from his own dad, it was impossible for him to calm the storm in his life. Unfortunately he became a social recluse and a "Rageaholic."

I only talked to him if I wanted money or the car. We had no
relationship at all. I guess you could say that the only sex
education I got from my dad was his frequent use of the "F" word. He
literally did not talk to me except to give orders or swear.
Because of his violent outburst, I was terrified of him. I never talked back or disobeyed for fear of being hit or kicked. I was the middle of 5 boys with one
older sister who got pregnant and married at 15. My brother just older
than me and the one I am closest to did not fare the storm of our father’s abuse either. He has attempted suicide, spent time in the Psych-Ward, belongs to several support groups, has been divorced, excommunicated and is currently receiving therapy and counseling for
his sexual addictions and emotional problems. With all this help,
today he is doing pretty well, and has a
wonderful wife who literally saved his life. She herself is a
recovering alcoholic.
I have heard people say, “ I never once heard my parents speak a cross word to each other.”…well I can’t remember a day that I didn’t hear a cross word. I am sure there must have been some but I don’t remember any.

I have tried to be a better father than the last two generations.
Today my life is blessed.

Take care, Ted

_________________________
When you change the way you look at things the things you look at change.

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#299508 - 08/16/09 11:07 AM Re: scary dads [Re: Tedure]
Casmir213 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/09
Posts: 845
Loc: Northeast, USA
My father was a hard-core alcoholic in a co-dependent relationship with my mother and as a result he was completely unapproachable as a human being. He was scary in the sense that we as a family had to be subjected on a daily basis to the worry, fear, and shame that his constant drunken state caused us to feel. In this sense we were all prisoners of his alcoholism.

For me, his only heterosexual son, I was initiated, indoctrinated, and thoroughly steeped in the isolation and shame of his example of what it means to be a man. A man is someone who is totally isolated from the rest of the world and suffers his shame and profound pain in his own personal silent hell. Now that's what I call scary. A big part of my recovery means separating myself from the shame, isolation, and messages that my father's example/influence had on me.

Rocco

_________________________
I see recovery as a lifelong journey rather than a final destination, a journey, though, which can have many successes along the way.

WoR Alumnus - Hope Springs, OH, October 2009

My avatar is the farmhouse at the Hope Spring, OH WoR. It's a nice place.

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#299515 - 08/16/09 11:38 AM Re: scary dads [Re: sono]
Ornias Offline


Registered: 08/13/09
Posts: 310
my bio dad was so freaken mean , he never did anything gross but he was abusive in other ways, like other people i never called him dad wasnt allowed, it was yes sir no sir ext. he had these laws he would drill into my head daily like a session in school or something, being sick was a sing of weakness so when i got sick i would try and hide it , needing things was a sign of weakness so he always made you control your needs like eating or using the bathroom. he hit my mom a lot, she was never honey or sweety , she was just women, he said it like it was something no one should dare to be , she was a slave , a dog was worth more in his eyes then a women, they were only good for a couple things, making babies and cooking dinner thats it.
he died when i was like 8, when my mom told me he had died the first thing i said was, " does that mean i get xmas presents now? " i was just so glad, i was tired of being spanked and having to make sure i was man enough. so when my mom remarried my person, he was like sunlight.

_________________________
its not easy to hide all this damage inside,
and ill carry it w
ith me until i'm not alive.

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#299556 - 08/16/09 05:44 PM Re: scary dads [Re: Ornias]
jnj Offline


Registered: 09/30/08
Posts: 27
Loc: UK
My father was not scary as such but he had that ability to always make me feel I was never good enough, my grades unless A were a disapointement, if i didnt win at every sport I entered I felt he thought I let him down. My father is Turkish and if there ever was a mans man, he is it and although I never felt physically scared of him, mentally was a different story. Man could he make me feel worthless with a look. I actually wrote to him a few years ago to tell him how he made me feel, He disowned me and I no longer know where he is or even if he is alive. I should explain he was not my CSA but I suppose in his own way he did abuse me mentally.

However I did have the most fantastic Grandfather (my mothers father) a boy could wish for, he was the man I wished my father could have been. If I am half the man he was then that would make me very happy indeed.

Unfortunatly he died whilst I was on holiday when I was 14 and that left a massive hole in my life which no one could ever fill. But I have a photo of him in my bedroom and I look at it most days and thank him.

I told no one about my CSA when it was happening but looking back I think my Grandfather may have thought something was up, He took me out of that boarding school where I was abused and from there on I lived mostly with my grandparents. He enrolled me in the local boxing school and in his own way I think he tried to make things right.

If ever a boy needed someone, I needed that man.

Godbless you Grandad.

_________________________
I started out with nothing and I still got most of it left.

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#299637 - 08/17/09 11:08 AM Re: scary dads [Re: jnj]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
I never related to my father and thought I was NOT good enough. My dad was like his father. I got the usual "wait until your father gets home. My dad is a lifer in the Air Force. He has the My father was a workaholic. My grandfather - dads dad was a monster. My dad is a typical stoic german.

I was very angry at my father for the csa issue but that is other threads.

Peace,
DJ

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#299684 - 08/17/09 04:01 PM . [Re: DJsport]
bardo213 Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
.


Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 09:12 PM)

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#299710 - 08/17/09 08:22 PM Re: scary dads [Re: bardo213]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 862
Loc: washington
sono,

First, I would like to say, I have since mended fences with my old man...!!!

But, when I was growing up, my dad was really scary. He was a rager (no alcohol needed). He had swear words jumping out of his mouth that were ten miles long.

Ultimately, I think he is a good man, that has, had problems with identifying his feelings...which always led straight to anger.

This is a family of origin issue.


We Didn't Start the Fire (Billy Joel)

island

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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