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#299399 - 08/15/09 12:34 PM Trauma after remembering
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1955
I know this has been discussed before, but I have been thinking about some things and wanted to clarify what others thought.

For me before I remembered my life was out of control in many ways but I functioned and could be sociable and all that. I didn't consciously carry around the trauma.

After I remembered I'd say I manifested much more trauma like symptoms. I become much more withdrawn and all that. Basically I am wondering if others can relate that after remembering is when the trauma really kicked in.

Just as a side note, since I have been dealing with things there has been quite a bit of improvement and even feel I'm getting a bit of the pre-abuse me back which is great. But I wanted others take on remembering and trauma. I am pretty sure it is accepted that after remembering the trauma really hits. Conversely, how many of you who remembered would say in retrospect that your life was out of control even before you remembered?

Thanks,
Eric


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#299419 - 08/15/09 06:04 PM Re: Trauma after remembering [Re: ericc]
wes-b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/17/07
Posts: 438
Loc: Western, Canada

Eric my brother;

I recall that in my early recovery and healing it seemed like the trauma kicked in... I have come to see it more as I became aware of it in a concious sense; When I look back to my life before healing and recovery it was tagged with PTSD big time, I just was not aware of it... I just though I was a spineless piece of shit... once I started this journey it felt worse and has got better. Crap still comes up and slaps me ;-)

Love, Wes

_________________________
Happy to be a recovering survivor. :-)

Continuing to meet more of my fellows as I "Trudge the Road of Happy Destiny".

My Story, 1st pass

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#299427 - 08/15/09 07:13 PM Re: Trauma after remembering [Re: wes-b]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1955
Hey Wes,

Thanks for the response. I think it was sort of the same for me. There were things about me "pre-remembering" that certainly I can see now as clearly effects of being abused/violated. But because I wasn't consciously aware of all that was going on I didn't think so hard about it all and just sort went on with things. Anyway, pretty weird. Once I did remember though I really spiraled because it shattered the notion of who I was, not to mention just straight up trauma. Over the course of time things evolved and changed, and thankfully now during the last couple years I see things moving in the right direction once I started dealing with it for what it was. This is just something I have been thinking about the last couple of days.

Eric


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#299444 - 08/15/09 09:39 PM Re: Trauma after remembering [Re: ericc]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
ericc,

There is a clinical diagnosis for late onset PTSD. This is very common among survivors and is a contributing factor for why survivors seek recovery most frequently in their late 30s to 50s. They were so able to seperate from the trauma when it was happening that as they go on in life, the trauma seeps back into their consciousness and PTSD developes later in life. For many of us, when that crack developes, the memories, emotions, traumas, etc. all come back like a flood, overwhelming us and sending us running for the hills (or into therapy).

I think a lot of the guys would actually say that their life was getting out of control before they began to remember. Frequently, with male surivors, the emotions comeback first. We frequently incorporate those emotions into our daily life (not knowing where they are coming from) and they influence what we say, what we do and what we decide. This leads to an unraveling of what we were able to put together. For some of us it is careers, others it is relationships, and others it is finances (or any combination of these and other areas of life). I can't tell you how many guys I've come across who went into therapy for these issues and the abuse was remembered or dredged up and the root of the problems. They had not made the connection before therapy.

So, I hope that helps answer your questions a bit.

Peace and love...

Michael


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#299456 - 08/15/09 10:35 PM Re: Trauma after remembering [Re: M3]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1955
Thanks Michael.

I am saying this only as a statement of fact. The floodgates for me were opened under the influence of lsd literally my last day of my freshman year in college. It was the last finals day, and the next day we were to be out of the dorms and on our merry way. I took some before everyone else, just after my last final and before I had begun to pack things up. Needless to say, it turned bad for me with just terrible emotions. I had this feeling "that I was gay". Just an intellectual thing. That was the nature of my bad trip, this overwhelming fear tied to feeling gay. That night I didn't remember anything from my past, I just had this terrible trip. By the time I was back at school that next fall I remembered enough to know some things happened between a peer and I, along with some other bad personal memories.

Looking back I can see that cracks were forming that first year of college. I was away from home and the past, and being actually pretty happy (even if naively so) I think my mind was opening up. My understanding of things has evolved over the years since I first remembered, and certainly my trauma got worse as time progressed as I didn't deal with anything in a constructive manner. In fact, my earliest means of dealing were heroic attempts at suppression which really doesn't work. Good news is I am facing things now.

Yeah, this all makes perfect sense. And I sort of knew this was all the case but wanted to discuss it again because it was on my mind.

Eric


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#299462 - 08/15/09 11:47 PM Re: Trauma after remembering [Re: ericc]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2430
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my fraternal brothers.

I'll add my 2 cents worth.

A definate yes to your question, and the responses above.

Now, I fully realise just who I was before the PTSD set in.
Just why i became the "man" that i am today.

Like i've said in my post. I have learned more about myself in the last year, than the previous 69 years on earth. (I've only been in therapy for a year).

Heal well my fraternal brothers. heal well.

" I will take that lost boys hand, and i will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity".

Little Pete & big Pete. but 1 (Irishmoose).

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#299478 - 08/16/09 04:49 AM Re: Trauma after remembering [Re: petercorbett]
Jaifian Offline


Registered: 05/26/09
Posts: 220
Loc: washington state, USA
My world was pretty messed up before I remembered and was definitely worse after I remembered, but it didn't stay that way.

Now I would definitely say life is better than before I remembered, and even though I had a worse assault happen to me after I remembered, I STILL feel like I'm in a better place in a lot of ways!



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#299500 - 08/16/09 09:51 AM Re: Trauma after remembering [Re: Jaifian]
zb420 Offline


Registered: 08/16/09
Posts: 251
...



Edited by zb420 (11/27/09 05:24 PM)
Edit Reason: i cant have this public now sorry

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#299511 - 08/16/09 11:16 AM Re: Trauma after remembering [Re: zb420]
Casmir213 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/09
Posts: 844
Loc: Northeast, USA
ericc,

I've remembered my traumatic sexual experience since I was 20 years old. However, it wasn't until last year, at 41, that the actual symptoms of depression and PTSD forced me to deal with my past in a constructive way, hence my being here and in therapy. My own personal take on this is that it isn't until we begin to feel the actual pain (to include all sorts of emotions/thoughts/realizations/etc.) of our abuse that we can really begin to heal from it. In this sense, I think that is actually constructive and necessary for us to feel pain, because without it there is no motivation or reason to recover. Knowing we've been abused and feeling the effects of that abuse on a daily basis are two totally different things. For me, a state of crisis is a necessary pre-requisite to progress in recovery/therapy for any kind of abusive past, especially sexual abuse.

Rocco



Edited by Casmir213 (08/16/09 11:17 AM)
_________________________
I see recovery as a lifelong journey rather than a final destination, a journey, though, which can have many successes along the way.

WoR Alumnus - Hope Springs, OH, October 2009

My avatar is the farmhouse at the Hope Spring, OH WoR. It's a nice place.

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#299514 - 08/16/09 11:35 AM Re: Trauma after remembering [Re: zb420]
wes-b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/17/07
Posts: 438
Loc: Western, Canada

zb420

Oh... have I wished that the crap never happened and tried to deny it for nearly a decade after I first spoke of it; My experience with not dealing with it is that left unattended the forgotten or surpressed wounds continue to fester.

If you will indulge an analogy around life getting worse at the begining of recovery/healing; consider the shed I built a couple of years back... Before the shed went up there were some trees and some grass in the area and they "looked" ok. Then I took out the trees and leveled the ground for the foundation work. *** Now it looks ugly *** Next thing a coupld of loads of Lumber and supplies are delivered. *** now my yard is ripped up and all this crap is piled around ***

Sounds like I just made things worse :-)

But wait

Now I start calling on my support group, friends and family in the building trades and they help me in various was and the pile of lumber and supplies shrinks as the structure takes shape.

My hands get dirty and calloused... and I start to feel better, I am accomplishing something good.

As I keep working the material pile is gone and I have a shed and my yard is better than before...

Hugs, Wes

_________________________
Happy to be a recovering survivor. :-)

Continuing to meet more of my fellows as I "Trudge the Road of Happy Destiny".

My Story, 1st pass

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#299520 - 08/16/09 11:58 AM Re: Trauma after remembering [Re: wes-b]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
zb420,

It's one of those situations where it is going to get worse before it gets better. When you remember (of which you really aren't in much control over) things will get worse emotionally. The old feelings come back, you may even have some physical memories. Lots of therapy work needed. Pain, anger, hurt and other emotions to vent through crying, yelling, etc. But in the end, things are better than before. For some of us, things are tremendously better.

So to the question is it better to just not remember I have to answer no. If you look short term, things look worse, but in the end, you will be better for getting your history corrected, doing the work to recover and being able to live as a healthier adult.

Peace and love...

Michael


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#299542 - 08/16/09 04:10 PM Re: Trauma after remembering [Re: ericc]
jnj Offline


Registered: 09/30/08
Posts: 27
Loc: UK
Yep I can relate to that buddy, I knew I had been abused. It was not something I had forgotten but it did not really hit me until about 3 years ago. Before then I suppose i was so intent on proving my masulinity to myself and the world. Rugby, judo, boxing and lifting weights all made me forget my vulnrabilitys and helped me reinforce to myself that I was a prime example of a man and therefor what happened to me as a kid had no bearing on me now. Oh boy how wrong I was. Slowly things began to creep up on me and a couple things happened to make feel that scared little boy again. Also having a family and wanting to be the best dad and husband I could be finally made me see u could be a better man, with help.

So I would say although now I have some messed up feelings I am willing to get help to ensure what that bastard did to me does not effect my loved ones. That way I win.

_________________________
I started out with nothing and I still got most of it left.

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#299549 - 08/16/09 04:27 PM Re: Trauma after remembering [Re: jnj]
wes-b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/17/07
Posts: 438
Loc: Western, Canada

Brother jnj;

Originally Posted By: jnj

So I would say although now I have some messed up feelings I am willing to get help to ensure what that bastard did to me does not effect my loved ones. That way I win.


In reading this part of your post I was moved to reply in a somewhat contrary fashion. Good and/or bad my CSA/Incest wounds have an affect on my wife and children, even today along the road of healing and recovery. Know that this is a reply of hope. The affects are shaped by my actions and reactions and my growth and healing. I cannot protect them from being hurt, what I can do for them is give them an example and give them hope and knowledge. My wife and I have spoken with our boys about my abuse history and they know that I go to T to work on it as well as meetings (al-anon and SA) as well as come to MS for support and healing.

If I am on the computer on MS and my boys ask I tell them that I am on my male survivor site. I remind them that they are always welcome ask or talk about it... the rarely do, and I know in my heart that they have many more tools than I ever did to deal with traumas.

feel the love brother, Wes

_________________________
Happy to be a recovering survivor. :-)

Continuing to meet more of my fellows as I "Trudge the Road of Happy Destiny".

My Story, 1st pass

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#299552 - 08/16/09 04:50 PM Re: Trauma after remembering [Re: wes-b]
jnj Offline


Registered: 09/30/08
Posts: 27
Loc: UK
I suppose that's a prime example on how we all differ and deal with our pasts. For me I know that my overwhelming desire to protect my wife and children is a direct result of my previous feelings of hopelessness. I maybe over bearing a little at times but when my wife says to me that with me by her side she always feels safe. That has for me a positive effect.

_________________________
I started out with nothing and I still got most of it left.

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#299584 - 08/16/09 10:55 PM Re: Trauma after remembering [Re: jnj]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1955
I wanted to add that I am glad I remembered. At first, and for a long time, I wanted it all just to go away. And it was all very painful, at its worst it was like I was losing my mind. But that was all part of the process. Right now I feel much more like a complete person than I did before I remembered. Through addressing what happened and working through it I have been able to regain some of the pre-abuse me back. For those just starting to deal with this stuff I say keep reaching out because it can get better.

Eric


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#301491 - 09/03/09 03:06 PM Re: Trauma after remembering [Re: wes-b]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 197
before u make something beautiful, u have to make a mess of things first. i think ur brain just decided to remember when it was ready, now its time for your heart,mind,soul to work together.

_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

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#301502 - 09/03/09 04:08 PM Re: Trauma after remembering [Re: justplainme]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1865
Loc: durham, north england
The funny thing for me is I didn't literally forget. I knew what'd happened, but I was devorsed from it totally. I was much more concerned with enjoying being at university and getting my degree.

But the signs were there, my fear of crowds, S//ual humer and touch, and more and more as I got older my total lack of any sort of relationship despite the majority of my frinds being female.

Slowly, self-disgust and self-hatred continued, through good times and bad. After a great semi year out at the end of my Masters in 2005-6, I crashed big time.

I don't know whether it was just the time, the fct that my friends had all moved out of uni, ---- or the fact that I was playing doctor dayly in a production of Gilbert and sullivan's the sorcerer, ---- an older vicar who is really sad sinse he totally lacks a relationship even when the enire village take magic instant love potion (he even has a highly depressed song who's main refrain is "All engaged to so and so").

whatever it was, 2007 was bloody awful, and got progressively worse. Then to cap things off, I fell in love with **** and when that caused things to fale, I realized that what happened to me as a teenager wasn't quite as over and done with as I thought, and that everything from my relationship problems to my fear of touch to my phobia about explicit references to S was connected with it.

I've been struggling ever sinse. I like to think that things are somewhat better than they were, ---- though as Wes said, some days that's extremely hard.


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#301557 - 09/03/09 11:12 PM Re: Trauma after remembering [Re: dark empathy]
claretblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/09
Posts: 97
Loc: UK
I'm late 40's; have just begun to remember this last 12 months or so with flashbacks etc; now looking back, thanks to my T there is no question at all that there was stuff 'constantly seeping thro' as I have been imploding inwards all these years; now all the crying, disgust/terror feelings and yes, some physical pain of genitals/ends of fingers etc is all flooding out.

I vaccillate between accepting no question csa has happened, to thinking how could that trusted person have done this to me--thats my logical half of brain talking...the emotional brain, being activated the 2 + yrs in T, when the emotional pain starts burning/flashbacks etc, it all makes horrible sense. Surely it has to be better long-term to connect to the memories/emotions we disconnected from as children, so we can get the hidden parts of our life story back...I've wondered for so many years why I couldnt speak at the age of 4 at school, and why I'd hardly any memories before age of 8...Now I know...But, yes, some days/times when the pain gets unbearable you do wonder if its better to be 'without memories'

ClaretBlue


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#301706 - 09/04/09 09:58 PM Re: Trauma after remembering [Re: claretblue]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6705
Loc: USA
Claretblue

Your story sounds so much like mine that it's amazing.

There are a lot of us who go through a similar unwinding.

I hope that comforts you a little.

Allen

pufferfish whistle


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#301707 - 09/04/09 10:08 PM Re: Trauma after remembering [Re: pufferfish]
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 978
Loc: HULBERT OK
When the memories of being Raped resurfaced . I threw a stone toped coffee table across the room. The anger that I felt was as bad as the anger that I had after I was raped

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

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#301710 - 09/04/09 10:38 PM Re: Trauma after remembering [Re: OKIE MIKE]
kerberosesti Offline


Registered: 09/04/09
Posts: 20
Loc: MN
sounds like what i call my "oh shit" moment

and for me thinking about it makes me feel totally helpless, and like it don't make any difference how much i try, some asshole out there is going to prove in some way he has power over my life and there ain't nothing i can do about it.

various social dynamics rekindle the emotions and i don't always find the most appropriate response.

However, I keep learning. Some day I will find the way out of the maze. Kerberos


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#301732 - 09/05/09 01:48 AM Re: Trauma after remembering [Re: pufferfish]
claretblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/09
Posts: 97
Loc: UK
Thanks Pufferfish.

You wouldn't wish it on your worst enemy, but it does help a bit knowing that you're not as isolated as you feel sometimes.

ClaretBlue


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#301750 - 09/05/09 05:39 AM Re: Trauma after remembering [Re: claretblue]
LilacLouie Offline


Registered: 07/02/09
Posts: 359
Loc: Utah
When my flashbacks get bad, my second-self kicks in. I have to have "something" get me out of these flashbacks. I end up hurting myself in some fashion. Typically hitting myself, or blasting the music. The physical pain replaces the emotional pain and it "shocks" me out of the flashback.


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#301781 - 09/05/09 11:27 AM . [Re: LilacLouie]
bardo213 Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
.


Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 09:17 PM)

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