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#299520 - 08/16/09 11:58 AM Re: Trauma after remembering [Re: wes-b]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
zb420,

It's one of those situations where it is going to get worse before it gets better. When you remember (of which you really aren't in much control over) things will get worse emotionally. The old feelings come back, you may even have some physical memories. Lots of therapy work needed. Pain, anger, hurt and other emotions to vent through crying, yelling, etc. But in the end, things are better than before. For some of us, things are tremendously better.

So to the question is it better to just not remember I have to answer no. If you look short term, things look worse, but in the end, you will be better for getting your history corrected, doing the work to recover and being able to live as a healthier adult.

Peace and love...

Michael


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#299542 - 08/16/09 04:10 PM Re: Trauma after remembering [Re: ericc]
jnj Offline


Registered: 09/30/08
Posts: 27
Loc: UK
Yep I can relate to that buddy, I knew I had been abused. It was not something I had forgotten but it did not really hit me until about 3 years ago. Before then I suppose i was so intent on proving my masulinity to myself and the world. Rugby, judo, boxing and lifting weights all made me forget my vulnrabilitys and helped me reinforce to myself that I was a prime example of a man and therefor what happened to me as a kid had no bearing on me now. Oh boy how wrong I was. Slowly things began to creep up on me and a couple things happened to make feel that scared little boy again. Also having a family and wanting to be the best dad and husband I could be finally made me see u could be a better man, with help.

So I would say although now I have some messed up feelings I am willing to get help to ensure what that bastard did to me does not effect my loved ones. That way I win.

_________________________
I started out with nothing and I still got most of it left.

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#299549 - 08/16/09 04:27 PM Re: Trauma after remembering [Re: jnj]
wes-b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/17/07
Posts: 438
Loc: Western, Canada

Brother jnj;

Originally Posted By: jnj

So I would say although now I have some messed up feelings I am willing to get help to ensure what that bastard did to me does not effect my loved ones. That way I win.


In reading this part of your post I was moved to reply in a somewhat contrary fashion. Good and/or bad my CSA/Incest wounds have an affect on my wife and children, even today along the road of healing and recovery. Know that this is a reply of hope. The affects are shaped by my actions and reactions and my growth and healing. I cannot protect them from being hurt, what I can do for them is give them an example and give them hope and knowledge. My wife and I have spoken with our boys about my abuse history and they know that I go to T to work on it as well as meetings (al-anon and SA) as well as come to MS for support and healing.

If I am on the computer on MS and my boys ask I tell them that I am on my male survivor site. I remind them that they are always welcome ask or talk about it... the rarely do, and I know in my heart that they have many more tools than I ever did to deal with traumas.

feel the love brother, Wes

_________________________
Happy to be a recovering survivor. :-)

Continuing to meet more of my fellows as I "Trudge the Road of Happy Destiny".

My Story, 1st pass

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#299552 - 08/16/09 04:50 PM Re: Trauma after remembering [Re: wes-b]
jnj Offline


Registered: 09/30/08
Posts: 27
Loc: UK
I suppose that's a prime example on how we all differ and deal with our pasts. For me I know that my overwhelming desire to protect my wife and children is a direct result of my previous feelings of hopelessness. I maybe over bearing a little at times but when my wife says to me that with me by her side she always feels safe. That has for me a positive effect.

_________________________
I started out with nothing and I still got most of it left.

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#299584 - 08/16/09 10:55 PM Re: Trauma after remembering [Re: jnj]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1961
I wanted to add that I am glad I remembered. At first, and for a long time, I wanted it all just to go away. And it was all very painful, at its worst it was like I was losing my mind. But that was all part of the process. Right now I feel much more like a complete person than I did before I remembered. Through addressing what happened and working through it I have been able to regain some of the pre-abuse me back. For those just starting to deal with this stuff I say keep reaching out because it can get better.

Eric


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#301491 - 09/03/09 03:06 PM Re: Trauma after remembering [Re: wes-b]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 280
before u make something beautiful, u have to make a mess of things first. i think ur brain just decided to remember when it was ready, now its time for your heart,mind,soul to work together.

_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

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#301502 - 09/03/09 04:08 PM Re: Trauma after remembering [Re: justplainme]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1963
Loc: durham, north england
The funny thing for me is I didn't literally forget. I knew what'd happened, but I was devorsed from it totally. I was much more concerned with enjoying being at university and getting my degree.

But the signs were there, my fear of crowds, S//ual humer and touch, and more and more as I got older my total lack of any sort of relationship despite the majority of my frinds being female.

Slowly, self-disgust and self-hatred continued, through good times and bad. After a great semi year out at the end of my Masters in 2005-6, I crashed big time.

I don't know whether it was just the time, the fct that my friends had all moved out of uni, ---- or the fact that I was playing doctor dayly in a production of Gilbert and sullivan's the sorcerer, ---- an older vicar who is really sad sinse he totally lacks a relationship even when the enire village take magic instant love potion (he even has a highly depressed song who's main refrain is "All engaged to so and so").

whatever it was, 2007 was bloody awful, and got progressively worse. Then to cap things off, I fell in love with **** and when that caused things to fale, I realized that what happened to me as a teenager wasn't quite as over and done with as I thought, and that everything from my relationship problems to my fear of touch to my phobia about explicit references to S was connected with it.

I've been struggling ever sinse. I like to think that things are somewhat better than they were, ---- though as Wes said, some days that's extremely hard.


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#301557 - 09/03/09 11:12 PM Re: Trauma after remembering [Re: dark empathy]
claretblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/09
Posts: 97
Loc: UK
I'm late 40's; have just begun to remember this last 12 months or so with flashbacks etc; now looking back, thanks to my T there is no question at all that there was stuff 'constantly seeping thro' as I have been imploding inwards all these years; now all the crying, disgust/terror feelings and yes, some physical pain of genitals/ends of fingers etc is all flooding out.

I vaccillate between accepting no question csa has happened, to thinking how could that trusted person have done this to me--thats my logical half of brain talking...the emotional brain, being activated the 2 + yrs in T, when the emotional pain starts burning/flashbacks etc, it all makes horrible sense. Surely it has to be better long-term to connect to the memories/emotions we disconnected from as children, so we can get the hidden parts of our life story back...I've wondered for so many years why I couldnt speak at the age of 4 at school, and why I'd hardly any memories before age of 8...Now I know...But, yes, some days/times when the pain gets unbearable you do wonder if its better to be 'without memories'

ClaretBlue


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#301706 - 09/04/09 09:58 PM Re: Trauma after remembering [Re: claretblue]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6857
Loc: USA
Claretblue

Your story sounds so much like mine that it's amazing.

There are a lot of us who go through a similar unwinding.

I hope that comforts you a little.

Allen

pufferfish whistle


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#301707 - 09/04/09 10:08 PM Re: Trauma after remembering [Re: pufferfish]
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 980
Loc: HULBERT OK
When the memories of being Raped resurfaced . I threw a stone toped coffee table across the room. The anger that I felt was as bad as the anger that I had after I was raped

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

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