I know this has been discussed before, but I have been thinking about some things and wanted to clarify what others thought.

For me before I remembered my life was out of control in many ways but I functioned and could be sociable and all that. I didn't consciously carry around the trauma.

After I remembered I'd say I manifested much more trauma like symptoms. I become much more withdrawn and all that. Basically I am wondering if others can relate that after remembering is when the trauma really kicked in.

Just as a side note, since I have been dealing with things there has been quite a bit of improvement and even feel I'm getting a bit of the pre-abuse me back which is great. But I wanted others take on remembering and trauma. I am pretty sure it is accepted that after remembering the trauma really hits. Conversely, how many of you who remembered would say in retrospect that your life was out of control even before you remembered?

Thanks,
Eric

Eric my brother;

I recall that in my early recovery and healing it seemed like the trauma kicked in... I have come to see it more as I became aware of it in a concious sense; When I look back to my life before healing and recovery it was tagged with PTSD big time, I just was not aware of it... I just though I was a spineless piece of shit... once I started this journey it felt worse and has got better. Crap still comes up and slaps me ;-)

Love, Wes

Hey Wes,

Thanks for the response. I think it was sort of the same for me. There were things about me "pre-remembering" that certainly I can see now as clearly effects of being abused/violated. But because I wasn't consciously aware of all that was going on I didn't think so hard about it all and just sort went on with things. Anyway, pretty weird. Once I did remember though I really spiraled because it shattered the notion of who I was, not to mention just straight up trauma. Over the course of time things evolved and changed, and thankfully now during the last couple years I see things moving in the right direction once I started dealing with it for what it was. This is just something I have been thinking about the last couple of days.

Eric

ericc,

There is a clinical diagnosis for late onset PTSD. This is very common among survivors and is a contributing factor for why survivors seek recovery most frequently in their late 30s to 50s. They were so able to seperate from the trauma when it was happening that as they go on in life, the trauma seeps back into their consciousness and PTSD developes later in life. For many of us, when that crack developes, the memories, emotions, traumas, etc. all come back like a flood, overwhelming us and sending us running for the hills (or into therapy).

I think a lot of the guys would actually say that their life was getting out of control before they began to remember. Frequently, with male surivors, the emotions comeback first. We frequently incorporate those emotions into our daily life (not knowing where they are coming from) and they influence what we say, what we do and what we decide. This leads to an unraveling of what we were able to put together. For some of us it is careers, others it is relationships, and others it is finances (or any combination of these and other areas of life). I can't tell you how many guys I've come across who went into therapy for these issues and the abuse was remembered or dredged up and the root of the problems. They had not made the connection before therapy.

So, I hope that helps answer your questions a bit.

Peace and love...

Michael

Thanks Michael.

I am saying this only as a statement of fact. The floodgates for me were opened under the influence of lsd literally my last day of my freshman year in college. It was the last finals day, and the next day we were to be out of the dorms and on our merry way. I took some before everyone else, just after my last final and before I had begun to pack things up. Needless to say, it turned bad for me with just terrible emotions. I had this feeling "that I was gay". Just an intellectual thing. That was the nature of my bad trip, this overwhelming fear tied to feeling gay. That night I didn't remember anything from my past, I just had this terrible trip. By the time I was back at school that next fall I remembered enough to know some things happened between a peer and I, along with some other bad personal memories.

Looking back I can see that cracks were forming that first year of college. I was away from home and the past, and being actually pretty happy (even if naively so) I think my mind was opening up. My understanding of things has evolved over the years since I first remembered, and certainly my trauma got worse as time progressed as I didn't deal with anything in a constructive manner. In fact, my earliest means of dealing were heroic attempts at suppression which really doesn't work. Good news is I am facing things now.

Yeah, this all makes perfect sense. And I sort of knew this was all the case but wanted to discuss it again because it was on my mind.

Eric

Hi, my fraternal brothers.

I'll add my 2 cents worth.

A definate yes to your question, and the responses above.

Now, I fully realise just who I was before the PTSD set in.
Just why i became the "man" that i am today.

Like i've said in my post. I have learned more about myself in the last year, than the previous 69 years on earth. (I've only been in therapy for a year).

Heal well my fraternal brothers. heal well.

" I will take that lost boys hand, and i will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity".

Little Pete & big Pete. but 1 (Irishmoose).

My world was pretty messed up before I remembered and was definitely worse after I remembered, but it didn't stay that way.

Now I would definitely say life is better than before I remembered, and even though I had a worse assault happen to me after I remembered, I STILL feel like I'm in a better place in a lot of ways!

...

ericc,

I've remembered my traumatic sexual experience since I was 20 years old. However, it wasn't until last year, at 41, that the actual symptoms of depression and PTSD forced me to deal with my past in a constructive way, hence my being here and in therapy. My own personal take on this is that it isn't until we begin to feel the actual pain (to include all sorts of emotions/thoughts/realizations/etc.) of our abuse that we can really begin to heal from it. In this sense, I think that is actually constructive and necessary for us to feel pain, because without it there is no motivation or reason to recover. Knowing we've been abused and feeling the effects of that abuse on a daily basis are two totally different things. For me, a state of crisis is a necessary pre-requisite to progress in recovery/therapy for any kind of abusive past, especially sexual abuse.

Rocco

zb420

Oh... have I wished that the crap never happened and tried to deny it for nearly a decade after I first spoke of it; My experience with not dealing with it is that left unattended the forgotten or surpressed wounds continue to fester.

If you will indulge an analogy around life getting worse at the begining of recovery/healing; consider the shed I built a couple of years back... Before the shed went up there were some trees and some grass in the area and they "looked" ok. Then I took out the trees and leveled the ground for the foundation work. *** Now it looks ugly *** Next thing a coupld of loads of Lumber and supplies are delivered. *** now my yard is ripped up and all this crap is piled around ***

Sounds like I just made things worse :-)

But wait

Now I start calling on my support group, friends and family in the building trades and they help me in various was and the pile of lumber and supplies shrinks as the structure takes shape.

My hands get dirty and calloused... and I start to feel better, I am accomplishing something good.

As I keep working the material pile is gone and I have a shed and my yard is better than before...

Hugs, Wes