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#297905 - 08/03/09 05:56 PM less than
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Hi, All.

The most difficult single issue I have to overcome as I recover from the CSA is regarding "erections".

I dont seem to get them enough "erections" according to my past lover and from some bf's in the past.

Does anyone have this issue?

DJ

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Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#297919 - 08/03/09 07:47 PM Re: less than [Re: DJsport]
JDV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/05
Posts: 311
Have you talked to your MD about it? Not to be graphic (and I DONT want an answer) but do you wake up with them? If so, the plumbing is working. If you're unable to achieve an erection when its "time to do the deed" then it may be psychological and a psychologist AND and an MD may be in order. Otherwise, you probably get exactly as many erections as you're supposed to get.

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My Story Parts One, Two and Three of Four

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#298305 - 08/06/09 10:45 PM Re: less than [Re: JDV]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
DJ,

This can be a very complicated issue for survivors as JDV alluded too in his response. For us, the physical acts associated with sex and the abuse are going to be tied to memories and emotions from the past. You may be in the present with your boyfriend, but your body and mind may also be in the past with the abuser. Sexual functioning, for men in particular, is as much a physical as it is a mental/emotional act. As a boy, your body primarily worked on a physical level - reacting instinctively to touch and manipulation. As we get older, sex becomes more emotional and mental. If the mental aspect isn't in line with the physical acts, then the physical part might not work. In other words, if your mind and heart aren't really into it because of bad memories, associations of the events with past abuse, fear, etc., then the physical parts might not work either. Hang in there, work on this with a therapist, think through this and see if there are connections you can make, memories that you find interfere, etc. so you can begin to disarm them and move forward.

Peace and love...

Michael


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#298862 - 08/11/09 03:47 PM Re: less than [Re: M3]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Hi.

I am "working" on this issue with a T. I understand there are alot of connections that were mentioned above.

I am realizing i am pushing the issue which is another "thing" my perp taught me. His demands were great on a 6 year old.

I was just wondering if others experience the same thing.

This was tough to post so I appreciate you all responding. I did not think anyone would respond.

For me there is so much shame sometimes.

DJ

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#298866 - 08/11/09 05:08 PM Re: less than [Re: DJsport]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
***some may be triggered by frank discussion and sexual language****

i am not a highly sexed person, but i do get erections, however they are mostly fleeting, and often do not last very long. sex for me is not about reaction, but more about response.

most of my life i 'worried' about my performance ability, but later realized it was due to my abuse, and sex with the abusers not being reciprocal. also, the abuse taught me to identify with the passive role, and in all of my sexual relationships [even those with females] i never learned how to be the 'aggressor'.

also, in light of the shame of sex that i carried from religion and cultural influences, i never saw sex as something i was 'supposed to do'. every sexual act reinforced the guilt and shame that i had, and so it made sense that there was never a proper model of reciprocity, and therefore, never had the opportunity to devvelop a sense of what my own sexual needs were.

but along the way, as i recovered, i began to refuse the guilt and shame, prayed to have my sexuality restored to its natural and healthy state, and began to enjoy masturbation without remorse, and that created new physical responses. sex with myself became less result oriented, and more about appreciation of the process of pleasure.

up to that point i never had any satisfying sex life to speak of. the last two relationships i was in that included sexual activity, the first one was disaster. my partner was not conflicted in his sexual response, and he functioned quite naturally. i did not. i didn't blame him for leaving the relationship because i was not able to be as responsive as he needed me to be. however, he showed no interest in learning how to please me as a partner, so it was for the best. had he been an open and compassionate lover, quite possibly it could have worked. but he is not to be blamed.

the last partner i engaged in sexual activity was a much more sensitive partner, and he was not into merely getting off, but more into the whole process and was open to exploring touch, and as a result, the sex was truly pleasant. unfortunately, the rest of the relationship was not up to par, and so it did not work out. but i'll never forget that i actually did have a sexual response, and that proved for me that unless i have an emotional connection with my partner, one of trust, my body simply could not be interested in other words, my brain, the primary sexual organ, could only function under certain circumstances, ie, those that allowed me to feel truly valued and cherished as an equal partner.

so for me, the entire reconstruction of sexual response took place under the aegis of much prayer, emotional and psychological healing.

the sexual abuse, and the rapes i endured destroyed the possibility of my sexuality unfolding along 'normal' lines [and when i say normal, i am speaking of 'normal' for my physiology and psychology, not some universally imaged narth standard]. also, since sex was seen as an activity that, for religious and political reasons should only unfold in the purity of hetero marriage [which, for me, it didn't!] i had failed to develop a technique of approach for engaging in sexual activities with others.

regarding your post, i do question why do you allow some stranger's benchmark to be the determining factor for how you are suppose to be performing or responding sexually, as if there were some>
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  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#298897 - 08/11/09 08:55 PM Re: less than [Re: Sans Logos]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Hi, Ron.

Because I do not understand how to do the guoting thing I am copying and pasting.

"regarding your post, i do question why do you allow some stranger's benchmark to be the determining factor"

You stated the above comment in your reply to my post.

I base my feelings on those who are significant in my life so, I do NOT understand the wording you used.

I feel like crawling under a rock and all I want is to be able to play.

sorry if the sexual language is wrong to use.

DJ

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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