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#298851 - 08/11/09 01:56 PM Where Should I Post?
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
lll



Edited by Disappointed (12/19/10 08:44 PM)
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#298854 - 08/11/09 02:26 PM Re: Where Should I Post? [Re: Disappointed]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
I am a survivor.

My question is why are women so focused on guys who are disappointing. Ok yes, csa is destructive and mortifying and kills the spirit for the victims and the perp for that matter. But if your "healthy" and others "survivor" is needing fixed then is the relationship ever going to be equal thus mutually giving.

Just a question and my personal opinion. This comes from a man who is single by the way.

DJ

My ex-wife said hit the road jack.

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#298855 - 08/11/09 02:31 PM Re: Where Should I Post? [Re: DJsport]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
lll



Edited by Disappointed (12/19/10 08:44 PM)
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#298857 - 08/11/09 02:54 PM Re: Where Should I Post? [Re: Disappointed]
TJ jeff Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3391
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
Disappointed,

you questions would best be asked/answered in the Family and Friends Forum

Welcome to MS - I hope you can find the answers you are seeking - perhaps just browsing some of the older post in the Family and Friends Forum will help to abnswer some of your questions

_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

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#298859 - 08/11/09 03:06 PM Re: Where Should I Post? [Re: TJ jeff]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Hi.

I have alerted the modteam for transferring this thread.

It is just a question on my part NOTHING more. So no one take offense.

I asked the question because I am at a place in my life where I do not feel wanted or even appreciated to the point of living my life alone.

Thanks,
DJ

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#298865 - 08/11/09 05:06 PM Re: Where Should I Post? [Re: DJsport]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
lll



Edited by Disappointed (12/19/10 08:45 PM)
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#298891 - 08/11/09 08:34 PM Re: Where Should I Post? [Re: Disappointed]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2469
Loc: UK
I'm confused here. So you only know him from the internet right? and you met him on an unusual website. Well maybe he is embarassed about that, maybe he wants to keep that fantasy or whatever of his on-line. He may be a completely different person off-line. Do you know for sure that he is not already in a relationship? and what do you mean about him behaving like a girl? are you just stereotyping here?

I'm not convinced that your post belongs here, it sounds like it may be better placed in a dating forum of another website. This doesn't seem to be a question about survivor issues just a dating question.

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#298905 - 08/11/09 09:59 PM Re: Where Should I Post? [Re: king tut]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Have you considered the possibility that his "real life" is not at all what you see his online life to be? I run across people from time to time who build a whole persona around their online identity that has no resemblance to who or what they are IRL. Their online representation of themselves is a fraud built from their fantasy world.

I certainly would not place an inordinate amount of time fretting over such a relationship. If he does not want you in his "real life" there's probably good reason and you should run like hell. Sorry for the bluntness but it needs to be said.

I wish you the best,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#298913 - 08/11/09 11:02 PM Re: Where Should I Post? [Re: WalkingSouth]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
lll



Edited by Disappointed (12/19/10 03:58 PM)
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#298914 - 08/11/09 11:18 PM Re: Where Should I Post? [Re: king tut]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
lll



Edited by Disappointed (12/19/10 08:45 PM)
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#298918 - 08/11/09 11:48 PM Re: Where Should I Post? [Re: Disappointed]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2469
Loc: UK
You should be careful here, this guy seems to be in a transitional period of some kind and sure his lifestyle choices are up to him including how he wants to dress and his personal preferences.

But i think it would be irresponsible of you to push him either way. He clearly needs some space- that is why he doesn't want you to meet his friends i think.

The fact that you are telling him to cut his hair this way or that way and he is complying is a bad sign, you shouldn't tell him those things that is up to him. You shouldn't be buying him nighties and then trying to get him to wear them either, even if he has expressed a desire for female clothing- that is being pushy.

This guy has emotional problems by what you describe and be careful not to manipulate him.

You also say that you like it when he is childlike. Seeming childlike at times is an abuse thing in itself, often i find myself feeling like a little kid again and that's not your play area. Messing with him when he is in that frame of mind is taking advantage of him.

I also don't want to break your heart, but it doesn't sound like this guy wants to be in a relationship with you. Not seriously.

You write as if you don't like this guy very much, his lies, being melodramatic, so what is it? you want permission to leave him?

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#298941 - 08/12/09 03:12 AM Re: Where Should I Post? [Re: king tut]
GSH Offline


Registered: 07/30/09
Posts: 14
Hey Dissapointed,
I hear you asking for pointers regarding how to "date" a person with whom you know has been sexually abused...how to push past his personal, private horrors... how to gain control or leverage so you can enjoy his endearing child parts...

Is this correct? If his suffering was from a brain injury, and he, from time to time, acted in a feminine way or in a child- like fashion, would you be searching brain injury websites to find out ways around the affect of his injury? I don't understand this way of thinking. It seems to be lacking any depth or respect for his point of injury because it occured in a sexual arena.

You sound entertained with the dynamics in his life, not genuinely interested in his well-being. Perhaps I am missing something?

I have codependency issues that cloud my perspective so if I am in error or have offended you please let me know. I am trying to answer your post as honestly as I can.
Best regards
GSH


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#298952 - 08/12/09 06:00 AM Re: Where Should I Post? [Re: GSH]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
I find this abrupt and sterriotypical cut off betwene "masculine" and "Feminine" quite worrying. see http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=297498#Post297498 for details.

Speaking as somone who has feminine traits which cause severe problems (particularly in relationships, making necessary first moves etc), I find the separation here rather disturbing.

if he himself is making this separation, and saying "I'm going to be like a girl today" or "I'm feeling masculine today" then it sounds like he doesn't know where he is and is working things out. If on the other had your making this separation Disappointent, ---- well it's up to you, but perhaps you should rethink your genda ideas a bit and what behaviour should go with both.

hair style is also no real indicator either, ----- I had a pony tale myself for a very long time which was nothing to do with genda, just a choice, ----- though i've cut it sinse it conflicts with my interest of performing on stage.


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#344325 - 11/06/10 11:51 AM Re: Where Should I Post? [Re: DJsport]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
lll



Edited by Disappointed (12/19/10 08:46 PM)
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#344327 - 11/06/10 12:00 PM Re: Where Should I Post? [Re: dark empathy]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
lll



Edited by Disappointed (12/19/10 08:46 PM)
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#344393 - 11/07/10 12:13 AM Re: Where Should I Post? [Re: Disappointed]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 862
Loc: washington
Disappointed,

In my travels...I came to a place where I figured out that I had eroticized my abuse from my Jekyl/Hyde type abuser.

Alone in my thoughts...(while it/and because of...what was happening)...I began to feel more and more like a girl...(as my uncle was straight and married to my aunt).

The fact that I had an operation due to herniated testicles and a ton of ruined "O" (also while it was happening)...just reinforced what I was feeling.

I am no therapist...and am still working on trying to unravel and heal from when I was altered...

In the end...I truly believe there is a nut for every bolt...but see major red flags where only one alter wants to date you.


Boys Don't Cry (Plumb)

island

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#344437 - 11/07/10 07:03 PM Re: Where Should I Post? [Re: 1islandboy]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
lll



Edited by Disappointed (12/19/10 08:46 PM)
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#344440 - 11/07/10 07:29 PM Feeling like a girl [Re: 1islandboy]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
lll



Edited by Disappointed (12/19/10 03:56 PM)
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#344728 - 11/10/10 03:44 PM Re: Feeling like a girl [Re: Disappointed]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 734
Loc: NJ
Disappointed...this thread and you sicken me.

Maybe I can search the web...and find you issues and then use them against you for my pleasure.


Sounds very close to a perp to me.

you are a sad example of a woman....and BTW he was ABUSED...not anything else you want to use with or without "".





Edited by Castle (11/10/10 03:50 PM)
Edit Reason: OP is an idiot and i have more to say
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#344732 - 11/10/10 04:40 PM Re: Where Should I Post? [Re: Disappointed]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Disappointed

He seems to have two separate personalities, but I'd really call them very distinct moods. And when he's in his main mood, he's not interested in talking to me. He's masculine, and he would NEVER act like a girl. So, he ignores me. It's like, he's too good for his own female alter ego. I'm sure it bugs him he acts like this. He tells me that all the time. Says I should ignore that, because he's going to have issues no matter what I do.

You probably know you are describing multiple personality disorder, better known as DID.

Some guys who are DID have a girl personality (alter). They sometimes establish that as a coping mechanism to being abused. Then it becomes the way they expect sex to be.

He's used to having people treat him badly so you have encountered some of his defense mechanisms.

Originally Posted By: Disappointed

This might sound like "dating" issues, but I'm sure he has these issues because of his past.


Sometimes people who have been abused a lot will have developed a defense mechanism of being a "compulsive liar". They really don't understand how "truth" applies in situations.

Allen

pufferfish


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#345018 - 11/12/10 11:32 PM Re: Where Should I Post? [Re: pufferfish]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Dear Castle,
Yes, I am an idiot. Without question. But I would do alot - and have- to try to spend time with him, to get to know him.

I had a nearly perfect childhood. I had no idea, NONE, of how CSA would affect a human being. I thought children got over it, like a broken leg or arm. I never heard differently. How would I know?

I was on a website, and HE WROTE ME. He taught me this game he likes - a game I didn't even know existed. He told me he would have issues no matter what I said, so let loose.

I realize you are hurting. But has it occurred to you that I am hurting? Why do you think I am here? I have tried to understand him, spent countless hours talking to others similiar to him to gain insight. I did everything he asked of me, yet no matter what I do, he keeps me locked out. I learned his game, did as he asked. Even when he was busy standing me up for a date, that very evening, he had an emergency and wanted my professional help. I took his call and gave it to him. He didn't only hurt me that day, he hurt my family, but I helped him. He is a single man with a child, and with employees, so I tried to help.

He told me very early about one of his abusers, and a couple of months later about another one. He also told me he's an alcoholic who hasn't had a drink for years.

The fact he was abused and yet has managed to become financially successful, quit drinking, has a number of good friends, and is raising his child, is a testament to how strong and determined a man he is -- he's refused to let his abuse stop him from having a life. I have the greatest admiration for him.

Make no mistake: I understand I'm not a piece of litmus paper, waiting for him to tell me what color to be. That I am trying to make it happen. Maybe that renders me persona non grata. Whatever. I am what I am: a smart, aggressive, impulsive, undisciplined, girl, who wants to get to know this wonderful 2-mood guy. I will try whatever might work, to get him to spend time with me. If my determination is a character flaw, then I have a flawed character, and there is no help for that. And if nothing I try works, well, at least I won't regret I didn't try SOMETHING.

So many guys say that they don't want to be pushed in their recovery. They wonder what people will think. Well, the "easy" way to find out what someone will think, is to ask them. For me, this isn't very hard, because as my dear friend noted after we first met, I don't seem to need anyone. And for the most part, I usually don't care what people think. I'm very independent. So, that might make me seem insensitive, because I have a hard time relating to people very much when they care what other people think.

Last year, when his softer mood would pass, he would write me condescending notes, that I was "interesting" but I would never figure him out, and there was no point trying. After all this time, I disagree. I think I am figuring out more and more about him. And it's very disappointing for me. But it doesn't diminish my admiration of him.




Edited by Disappointed (01/29/11 01:29 PM)
Edit Reason: grammar
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#345024 - 11/13/10 12:16 AM Re: Where Should I Post? [Re: Disappointed]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
Disappointed- Not thrilled to feel the need to say this, and not attempting to be provocative or insulting in the least, but since you describe yourself as being minimally concerned with the opinions of others, i'll just lay it out straight for you. In addition to "smart, aggressive, impulsive, undisciplined" i'm also getting an impression of immature, insecure, highly compartmentalized and borderline narcissistic. Yes, you are a friend of a survivor, and therefore you have every right to post here- but whatever more exposition of the situation occurs, i'm thinking my conclusion will/would remain the same: the relationship is not a healthy one for either one of you. Having said that, i know that people learn best by experience, and not the admonitions of others (especially strangers on the internet), so i can only wish you and your friend more serenity, patience, and wisdom for the future.

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

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