Yes, I am an idiot. Without question. But I would do alot - and have- to try to spend time with him, to get to know him.
I had a nearly perfect childhood. I had no idea, NONE, of how CSA would affect a human being. I thought children got over it, like a broken leg or arm. I never heard differently. How would I know?
I was on a website, and HE WROTE ME. He taught me this game he likes - a game I didn't even know existed. He told me he would have issues no matter what I said, so let loose.
I realize you are hurting. But has it occurred to you that I am hurting? Why do you think I am here? I have tried to understand him, spent countless hours talking to others similiar to him to gain insight. I did everything he asked of me, yet no matter what I do, he keeps me locked out. I learned his game, did as he asked. Even when he was busy standing me up for a date, that very evening, he had an emergency and wanted my professional help. I took his call and gave it to him. He didn't only hurt me that day, he hurt my family, but I helped him. He is a single man with a child, and with employees, so I tried to help.
He told me very early about one of his abusers, and a couple of months later about another one. He also told me he's an alcoholic who hasn't had a drink for years.
The fact he was abused and yet has managed to become financially successful, quit drinking, has a number of good friends, and is raising his child, is a testament to how strong and determined a man he is -- he's refused to let his abuse stop him from having a life. I have the greatest admiration for him.
Make no mistake: I understand I'm not a piece of litmus paper, waiting for him to tell me what color to be. That I am trying to make it happen. Maybe that renders me persona non grata. Whatever. I am what I am: a smart, aggressive, impulsive, undisciplined, girl, who wants to get to know this wonderful 2-mood guy. I will try whatever might work, to get him to spend time with me. If my determination is a character flaw, then I have a flawed character, and there is no help for that. And if nothing I try works, well, at least I won't regret I didn't try SOMETHING.
So many guys say that they don't want to be pushed in their recovery. They wonder what people will think. Well, the "easy" way to find out what someone will think, is to ask them. For me, this isn't very hard, because as my dear friend noted after we first met, I don't seem to need anyone. And for the most part, I usually don't care what people think. I'm very independent. So, that might make me seem insensitive, because I have a hard time relating to people very much when they care what other people think.
Last year, when his softer mood would pass, he would write me condescending notes, that I was "interesting" but I would never figure him out, and there was no point trying. After all this time, I disagree. I think I am figuring out more and more about him. And it's very disappointing for me. But it doesn't diminish my admiration of him.
Edited by Disappointed (01/29/11 01:29 PM)
Edit Reason: grammar