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#298652 - 08/10/09 12:15 AM Please help me. Please reply.
PleaseHelpMe Offline


Registered: 08/09/09
Posts: 13
I decided to re-write this post, the old post being too long and may have created some confusion for those who read it.

I am suffering, badly, and I need help. Now, obviously people are going to say "You need to see a counselor/therapist" - and I have started doing that. For the first time in my life.

Here it is in a nutshell. Brace yourself, and you may want to stop reading this if you are easily offended. I apologize.

First a bit about myself. I am a male, in my 20s, trying to make sense of things.
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When I was 12 years old. I was addicted to child pornography online involving boys. I do not know how this started. I remained addicted to this until I was about 17 years old. At around age 17 - I forced myself to stop - and I did. However, even though I stopped looking at actual illegal photos, I could not shake the compulsion that went with the addiction. I continually felt pulled to go and look at more. Even though I didn't.

The addiction shifted. Instead of looking at photos, I would go and read stories, or try to find drawings/other non-illegal "outlets" for this compulsion.

I want to explain something. Then, and now, I am NOT a pedophile. I am not sexually attracted to children. I am also not sexually attracted to men. Part of what makes this addiction so distressing. I do not enjoy, or get any type of enjoyment of any kind out of these materials - then and now.

Also, just to be perfectly clear, the last time I saw any such illegal image was when I was 17. I am not presently engaged in any kind of illegal activity of any kind.

For years I have thought that this was brought about because somehow at age 12 I stumbled across this material, and just -- got addicted. I have since done a lot of thinking, and I have become more convinced than ever that this is something far deeper, and darker. I believe I was sexually abused as a child.

When I am searching for stories, images - I am looking for something in particular. I am not looking at the materials for their "sexual" value - but, as if I am searching for something. I feel a *need* to find what I am looking for. I am always looking for "the right one". I know certain details about "the right one". Recently I have come to realize something. I am searching for what happened to *ME* as a kid. Now, thats a huge realization, and it cannot be said without some evidence - so here is my evidence:

1) Searching for stories feels exactly like searching google/wikipedia for things like "symptoms of childhood sexual abuse", or - forums like this one - or really anything at all having to do with the subject. That is to say, psychologically it feels identical to be searching for "what happened to me" in ANY source.

2) This is an extremely, unspeakably strong compulsion to *FIND SOMETHING*. It is not sexually motivated. I cannot stop thinking about it, or stop searching. It is so strong, so powerful - that even if I get a headache I do not have the presence of mind to realize I should take headache medicine to make the headache go away.

3) If I read a story, I read only the first 1-2 sentences looking for "criteria" to know if its "the right one". 90% of stories are not "the right one". Those that are, I read further - I never feel like I have found the right one. I have gone through thousands of stories.

4) I mostly "skip over" sexual parts. I skim the story, looking for something - I don't know what - then I stop reading that one and go to the next. Then to the next. Then to the next.

Ok, now that that is said, a few more details:

I know for a fact my sister was sexually abused by my father. It resulted in her going into foster care, though no charges were ever brought against my dad - and until I was in my mid teens, I did not even know the nature of the allegations.

My parents got divorced when I was 12, and thats when I started living soley with my father. Shortly after the divorce was over, he pulled me out of school completely. I had NO social interaction with anyone, kids or adults, until I was 17 and my mom realized I had not been going to school. She managed to convince me to live with her - she took me to the doctor/dentist for the first time since I was 12ish (I was apparently malnourished), and got me into school. It was too late to get a diploma, but I did get a GED.

When I remember back to my dad, I remember him as quite a threatening figure. I only remember certain events from that time period - the whole time period is strangely blury/hard to remember. In fact, whenever I try to remember, I feel myself "push away" from it - to try NOT to remember, like as though I don't want to.

Here is what I do remember, that leads me to believe I was probably sexually abused:

All of these took place around age 12/13ish.

* I was sitting with my dad, on his lap, and we were both in our underwear (I think, if not naked) watching some program on cable late at night. It involved naked women, and looking back as an adult it was clearly an erotic program. I do not remember any sex acts in the show, but I do remember a naked woman sitting on a pedestal as it turned around. I also remember my dad making certain comments about "bush" and how its not really naked because you can't see beyond the bush. My dad was also explaining the show to me. That is all I can remember.

* I was in my room on my bed masturbating and when I was done masturbating, I turned around and I saw that my dad was standing there by my bed and he had been watching me. I was shocked and embarrassed. He made some comment about how my reaction seemed to by saying something like "Uh oh I got caught". I felt like he was teasing me.

* My dad came into my computer room and asked me if it was really true you could find pictures of sex on the internet. I told him I didn't know. He sat there with me and had me search and try to find some such picture. I eventually found a black and white photo of a man inserting into a woman which was the homepage of some hard-core- porn magazine --- I believe hustler. After my dad saw it, he seemed disappointed (not because of the fact such images existed, but because of the fact it was in black and white.) - That is all I can remember of that.

* My dad was telling me that he was having this conversation with his friends about names of penises. He then told me that he had told them that I had named my penis "viper" (a nick name I was called by other kids in certain kid sporting events). I was really upset at this, and I told my dad that I was really embarrassed he would say that. It was the furthest concept from my mind at that age to name your penis. He then proceeded to tell me that it was normal to name it, why "viper" would be a good name for it (he said "one eyed snaked") - and he proceeded to tell me that he had named his, and what he had named his, and why. I was uncomfortable during the whole conversation and he knew it.

* I remember being in the living room and - I THINK - sitting on my dad's lap and he was explaining to me about what gay men do for sex. He explained that one of the things they do is spanking on the butt and that it makes them feel good and "jerk" (as a kid, at the time, I understood "jerk" to mean - to move quickly. I had no sexual understanding of the term). He explained other things, but I cannot remember them.

* I remember on a vacation to hawaii that my dad took a picture of me in the hotel room "accidentally" when I was 14 wearing nothing but my underwear. He told me the photo was an accident, but he never destroyed it. He had it in his briefcase when he died when I was 18.

* I remember when I was with my dad and he was talking about how he and his friends thought the luckiest number was 69 and would joke about it. He also told me that 69 was a special number, and proceeded to draw on a napkin a 6, and a 9 - and drew feet/arms onto them and explained what it meant.

* I remember even at 12/13ish years old I was always encouraged to go around the house naked. I never needed clothes. One time I felt particularly modest about not wearing any clothes for some reason. My dad called me into the living room from either my bedroom or the computer room, and I didn't want him to see me naked so I stood behind the recliner so that he could not see below my waist. He became upset and called me out from behind the chair saying he could not see/talk to me properly.

Besides all this, he told me several jokes - two of which I can remember pretty distinctly. Certainly inappropriate:

A guy goes into a bar and asks for something to eat. the bar tender gives him an apple and he tastes it and says it tastes like vanilla. Then the bartender tells him to turn it around and he does, and he says it tastes like chocolate.

The bar tender says that he can give the man an apple that tastes like anything at all. The man says to give him an apple that tastes like pussy. The bar tender gives him an apple. The man taste it and says "This tastes like shit". The bartender says "Turn it around"

A man was in the bathroom going pee in a urinal, and a leprechaun was going pee in the urinal next to him. The man said "Wow I have never seen a leprechaun before" and the leprechaun said I will give you a wish of anything you want. The man said (cant remember), the leprechaun said if you want this you have to let me have sex with you. (cant remember) -- the man let the leprechaun have sex with him (some details about the physical pain/experience of it) and then afterwards the leprechaun said How old are you? The man said (something), and the leprechaun said, you are that old, and still you are believing in leprechauns ?

---- Those two jokes, I was told when I was about 12 by my dad.

Not sexual in nature:

* I remember one time my dad was holding me up against the wall with one hand and had his other hand in a fist ready to hit me while I was crying. I cant remember what happened beyond that - except that I am pretty sure I was not hit.

*Possibly* not sexual in nature:

I was about 12 years old and I was in the living room with my dad. He was doing something and I do not know what. But what I do remember, is what I was doing, and what happened next. I can see myself clearly, and I cannot see him - except for afterwards. This is hard to talk about .

I was praying. I am no longer religious like I was as a kid. I was praying, to God, in front of my dad, for him to stop what he was doing. I was crying profusely. I was praying as though my dad wasn't even there, and he could hear, and I was beside myself with pain. I remember some of it. I was asking God to make my dad stop whatever it was he was doing. It was as though I was in a surreal environment where my dad didn't exist, and only I existed with my prayer.

I remember that as I was doing this, my dad started crying, and told me he was sorry, and started holding me and appeared genuinely remorseful for whatever was going on. I remember not wanting him to hold me, I remember wanting to disappear.

I guess thats all I can say for now. I hope sincerely I can find help here.








Edited by PleaseHelpMe (08/10/09 09:42 AM)

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#298655 - 08/10/09 12:35 AM Re: Please help me. [Re: PleaseHelpMe]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Hi, PHM.

I believe you are where you need to be. It sounds like you are searching for answers and you have the answers. You may not know the answers and I would be cautious if others are trying to give you the answers.

Sometimes we need to take time to find ourselves and you came here. It sounds like you are going through some of the same things I have gone through and others here - like dissociation and PTSD. The wanting to disappear is a concern.

Safe touch seems to be a concern in your story.

Keep talking and you will find your own answers. I am glad your here.

Peace,
DJ

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#298657 - 08/10/09 12:40 AM Re: Please help me. [Re: DJsport]
PleaseHelpMe Offline


Registered: 08/09/09
Posts: 13
I feel very much like I have PTSD. I was reading online about the symptoms, etc - and -- I was also reading online about the symptoms in adults who have been abused sexually as children.

I go through the list and its like: "Yes, yes, yes, yes" down the whole list -- on both. Yet I *truly* cannot remember any actual sexual abuse. I *know* its there. It ---- just utterly consumes me day and night. Every night I have dreams related to this -- horible, hideous dreams. Last night was no exception. The dreams are so horrid I do not even feel comfortable sharing them. Upon waking up I ask myself - how could I dream such a thing.

Thank you for the warm welcome. I feel very alone, and very hurt.


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#298658 - 08/10/09 12:42 AM Re: Please help me. [Re: PleaseHelpMe]
PleaseHelpMe Offline


Registered: 08/09/09
Posts: 13
Please elaborate on this "safe touch seems a concern in your story" - please explain what you mean by this.


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#298661 - 08/10/09 12:53 AM Re: Please help me. [Re: PleaseHelpMe]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Hi.

Safe touch for me is touch that is wanted and when I read your story I see unwanted touch given by your father. Therefore I noted a concern for NOT getting appropriate safe touching.

My belief about touch is very rigid so please forgive if my wording is too harsh. I am NOT saying the touch you received is "bad" I am saying the touch you received is a concern.

I hope what I was trying to say is clearer but if not let me ok.

I am thinking of you and hoping your ok.

Peace,
DJ

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#298662 - 08/10/09 12:56 AM Re: Please help me. [Re: DJsport]
PleaseHelpMe Offline


Registered: 08/09/09
Posts: 13
In other words you are saying that when my dad was holding me, and I didn't want to be held - that is what concerned you. Right?

Also, no need to be overly careful with what you say. Thank you for your thoughts.


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#298665 - 08/10/09 01:06 AM Re: Please help me. [Re: PleaseHelpMe]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Yes, a child NO matter what age they are deserves to say NO and for the parent to respect that.

TO be very honest, my insides cry for you. I have a son and as his dad I would have never put him through what you have been through.

My heart and soul goes out to you.

I am cautious because others have "told" you stuff your not certain of yourself.

Peace,
DJ

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#298666 - 08/10/09 01:17 AM Re: Please help me. [Re: DJsport]
PleaseHelpMe Offline


Registered: 08/09/09
Posts: 13
In general most everyone who has replied/given me advice has done so with a massive disclaimer saying things that could more or less be summed up as: "I am not a doctor, but spurting blood from your neck doesn't look good."

I can tell there is a fear from those who reply that they are afraid of either putting thoughts in my mind that aren't there, afraid of saying the wrong thing, or afraid of hurting me further. I really understand that - but I don't think it's a concern.

I know something is wrong, deeply, horribly wrong, I just don't know what. Some things someone says strike instantly as "No thats not it" - others strike me as "Wow, I never realized that - but thats true" - in no case are any false memories triggered.

In many ways, I feel like a patient to the emergency room with blood spurting out of their neck saying "I have this pain in my neck and I am not sure what" - and seeing everyone there in the hospital faint for having seen me. It is like, to me - it doesn't feel as bad as I know it actually is.

To be honest, I need to *hear* and *know* how bad it actually is. I need to understand better - for myself - that something is majorly wrong. That I did not grow up normal, and how/why. I need that.

A large part of me wants to believe my dad was great, and I was raised normally - that my dad did the best he could. This same part of myself is deeply ashamed any time I think/say anything remotely bad about my dad. I feel like I should be ashamed for thinking anything bad about my dad.

At the same time, I know - wholeheartedly - my dad caused (however it was caused) some incredible pain inside of me. Remembering that instance when I was praying to God to make my dad stop whatever he was doing - and his reaction - is especially strong reinforcement to myself to allow myself to say/think "bad" things about my dad.

I want to tell you thank you for your replies and your thoughts.


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#298667 - 08/10/09 01:20 AM Re: Please help me. [Re: PleaseHelpMe]
PleaseHelpMe Offline


Registered: 08/09/09
Posts: 13
The thing I was trying to say I never actually said. Please don't be overly cautious. Say what you feel you need to say without fear.


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#298668 - 08/10/09 01:27 AM Re: Please help me. [Re: PleaseHelpMe]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
You are more than welcome.

Hey, the pain in your neck is real and it is because there is blood spirting out.

Your dads sexual comments were abusive and so inappropriate. Him telling his friends about your sexuality is so wrong. That is your business. He does NOT own you.

I have NO regard for my father. My father was not my perp but, his nephew was and my dad knew his nephew was raping his little boy and did NOTHING to stop it. I know this is not your deal but I state it because it is real that even our parents are cowards.

Have a restful nite,

DJ

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#298675 - 08/10/09 04:27 AM Re: Please help me. [Re: DJsport]
PleaseHelpMe Offline


Registered: 08/09/09
Posts: 13
Thank you for your reply. I know its late and probably most people are sleeping, but I do hope more will respond. I really need to hear from other people about this.

I hope others reply.



Edited by PleaseHelpMe (08/10/09 10:10 AM)

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#298697 - 08/10/09 10:56 AM Re: Please help me. [Re: PleaseHelpMe]
freeze-on Offline


Registered: 08/08/09
Posts: 72
Loc: southeast
For me different details came at different times in my life, usually looking thru photos of different ages as a kid...sometimes things would come up in my mind, depending on what emotional baggage i was dealing with...

all i can think of is that all behavior is purposeful regardless of how weird...today, 20 years into dealing with my stuff i look back and shudder at the thought of where i was..(and where i still am) Revelations only came as i was working thru anger and forgiveness issues with dad...he was not a sexual perpetrator but heaped abuses of physical and verbal/emotional.

recollections come and go...i write my revelations down as they come, not always focusing on the exact meaning at the time of the revelation, but give it some time, and as long as i feel safe with myself do i allow the pondering on the meaning of things and how it relates to me....sometimes it seems absolutely irrational,,like how do i go back to a marijuana induced haze to recollect what was going on in my mind at the time...i just take notes and come back to them later...similar to working out a chemistry problem in college...i could spend hours studying a problem and then give up, go read history or literature and then without warning the chemistry answer would come into my head, i would go back, finish the problem and then get back to my other studies.

anyhow, my two cents worth, best to you


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#298698 - 08/10/09 11:01 AM Re: Please help me. [Re: freeze-on]
PleaseHelpMe Offline


Registered: 08/09/09
Posts: 13
Thank you very much for your reply. Can I ask you, based on reading my story, do you think I was sexually abused?


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#298699 - 08/10/09 11:06 AM Re: Please help me. [Re: PleaseHelpMe]
freeze-on Offline


Registered: 08/08/09
Posts: 72
Loc: southeast
yes, i do. inappropriate interactions by adults or others into our lives in the ways mentioned constitutes abuse.

The difficult thing is knowing the extent of how it affects us today in our functioning and how we are coping....and then the fears of what lies ahead for us to discover about ourselves...how long will it take, can i handle it and the like.


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#298700 - 08/10/09 11:19 AM Re: Please help me. [Re: freeze-on]
PleaseHelpMe Offline


Registered: 08/09/09
Posts: 13
Is there any way what I posted above, as far as my dad's interaction with me - that can be "innocent" - or non-abuse in interpretation? (This question is for anyone reading)


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#298726 - 08/10/09 01:32 PM Re: Please help me. [Re: PleaseHelpMe]
Jaifian Offline


Registered: 05/26/09
Posts: 220
Loc: washington state, USA
Originally Posted By: PleaseHelpMe
Is there any way what I posted above, as far as my dad's interaction with me - that can be "innocent" - or non-abuse in interpretation? (This question is for anyone reading)


You can hope, but I'm sorry to say, my honest opinion is that you have repressed abuse memories.. and it get's worse--you are right about the age where people usually begin to recover those memories.

I was in my twenties when I recovered mine and have read that it is usually in young adulthood that repressed memories usually resurface.

It may be that your porn searching is just an unconscious searching for your buried memories.

I hope I'm not scaring you too much.. I had repressed memories and they aren't fun to recover, but it's not something you can run from nor is it something you can rush.





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#298730 - 08/10/09 02:08 PM Re: Please help me. [Re: Jaifian]
PleaseHelpMe Offline


Registered: 08/09/09
Posts: 13
I really appreciate your post, and I need to hear this. I am glad that I have stopped my "porn searching" - even stories. Once I realized what the search was really about, the compulsion to search has pretty much lost all its power. Its been replaced by a compulsion to search internally.


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#298731 - 08/10/09 02:11 PM Re: Please help me. [Re: PleaseHelpMe]
PleaseHelpMe Offline


Registered: 08/09/09
Posts: 13
How did you recover your repressed memories? (This question to anyone who has done so)


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#298735 - 08/10/09 02:48 PM Re: Please help me. [Re: PleaseHelpMe]
Barney Offline


Registered: 07/31/06
Posts: 236
Loc: Southern Utah/Northern Arizon
The process that i went through to get my memories was to feel safe enough initially to have them start coming back. Meditating periodically, and then recognizing when I started to feel anxious, angry, frustrated, that a new memory was close by and ready to be disclosed.

It seemed like the initial ones were somewhat minor in nature while the hardcore memories involving being raped, near death kinds of things, were the last one's to be remembered.

Some times the memories would come in bunches, other times years between memories. No set pattern. Seems like the brain knows when you and your environment are ready for the memories to come back.

Ron


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#298738 - 08/10/09 03:30 PM Re: Please help me. [Re: Barney]
PleaseHelpMe Offline


Registered: 08/09/09
Posts: 13
Prior to your first such memory recovered, were your memories similar to mine? Meaning - no actual sex remembered? Also, if I can ask, was it family? I am trying to make sense of my own situation. Thank you very much for your reply.


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#298748 - 08/10/09 04:40 PM Re: Please help me. [Re: PleaseHelpMe]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Hi, PHM.

Sexual abuse takes shapes in many ways with family and non-famaily. It can be overt meaning direct touch and covert or non-direct touch.

I do not believe it is necessary to remember every detail and could be revictimizing to go back to every detail.

I repressed my memories for nearly 35 years. I did remember "enough" to know how the csa=abuse affected my life so I could change or deal with the affects.

There is NO black and white method to recovering the abuse. I believe from what you have written you have plenty of information to continue with your discovery of yourself as an adult today.

I can to understand my own same sex attractions before the actual memories of the events when I was a little boy. I did have the usual sexual behavior when I was an adolescent.

It is important to get support and be able to give yourself and have others who be support and be encouraging.

Peace,
DJ

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#298777 - 08/10/09 09:11 PM Re: Please help me. [Re: DJsport]
Riley Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/11/09
Posts: 597
Loc: USA
Hey PHM,

I would recommend reading the book Abused Boys by Mic Hunter. He has a section on covert sexual abuse. Meaning that the action was disguised as something non-sexual. He uses the example of parents who give their child "bug checks" after the child strips down naked. I find books to be much more helpful then the internet, for the most part.

For me personally, I never did repress my memories, I always had them. But until recently I did not consider myself to have been sexually abused. One night I googled csa, read the symptoms, read some stories and suddenly realized that I was abused. I don't really know what I considered my early sexual experiences. Now, its obvious, but a few months ago I guess I just viewed them as any old memories.

I really don't know if this helps, I don't think I really answered your question.


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#298858 - 08/11/09 03:03 PM Re: Please help me. [Re: Riley]
PleaseHelpMe Offline


Registered: 08/09/09
Posts: 13
What you said about covert sexual abuse really helped. Thank you.


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#298860 - 08/11/09 03:16 PM Re: Please help me. [Re: PleaseHelpMe]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
I am glad you found some answers here to be helpful.

Peace,
DJ

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#298869 - 08/11/09 05:57 PM Re: Please help me. [Re: DJsport]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
hey there,

It's really difficult to have conflicting feelings about a parent. Most people do, it's just that maybe many of us here have extremely conflicting feelings. I haven't posted much about my family yet, I'm new and I guess even though it's maybe less extreme than my main perp, it's too close still. Or maybe still too far away, I'm not sure. Anyway, after contemplating exactly this topic of love/hate with my parents and family, I can only suggest to just come to terms with not having anything as simple as ONE feeling per person. It's OK. Loved ones, both those you choose and those you don't can sometimes hurt one another, they're not perfect and neither are we. You love him, you hate him, don't get hung up on whether that's OK or not, it is. It's very very impressive that you can look at this already. I wasn't close to being ready in my 20s. I'll also say what many here have said to me...cut yourself some slack for stuff you did as a kid. Best wishes in working on this.

_________________________
the family
the perp

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#298936 - 08/12/09 01:59 AM Re: Please help me. [Re: sono]
ForeverFighting Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1058
Loc: New Mexico, USA
I was in a similar situation. It felt like something was wrong. I remember, as a married adult, sitting on my wife's lap one night rocking back and forth saying, "Nothing happened to me. Nothing happened to me." My poor wife.

I have decided over time, that there are some things I will never know about my past. Our brains aren't video cameras. They don't record everything. Add to that the fact that we can "tune out" or dissociate our minds from what's going on, and the truth is that our video camera brains (if there were such a thing) may have been turned off on purpose.

Which leaves us with the fact that we're not happy, we're uncomfortable, we feel gut feelings about people and situations. I actually remember having what you're talking about, in a way. I used to see posters at stores of a boy with dark hair with a certain look. For some reason I remember feeling some sort of bond or relationship with someone who looked like that. To this day, I do not know exactly what that was about. It doesn't happen anymore, and I can only attribute that to doing this work--looking at the emotions and pain. My best guess was that, as a blonde kid, I believed that if I had looked like that boy, I would have been safe.

You are doing the right thing. Write the feelings down. This is a good place where, it seems, our symptoms are all very similar.

_________________________
ForeverFighting

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, neither will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

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