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#298534 - 08/09/09 12:23 AM Re: The World and My Place In It [Re: Clockwise]
Clockwise Offline


Registered: 03/03/09
Posts: 302
Loc: Pennsylvania
Not testing well is something I've been aware of for a while but I never really thought of it as much of a problem. Honestly, I just figured I was stupid and simply wasn't cut out for higher lerning. Whenever I would fail a test I would do whatever I could not to think about it. I'd try my hardest to push any thought of tests and school in general out of my mind. That mechanism usually proved to be harmful since I always seemed to dig myself deeper and deeper into the hole.

That's basically where I am now: a hole. My grade GPA is so low that my school won't accept my Financial Aid so I have absolutely no way to pay for college other than to try and get a student loan (something I really dread). But since school starts at the end of this month I doubt I'll have enough time and I don't even know how to do it anyways.

God, I swear I've been here so many fucking times. I've made such a mess of things once again. This is my life here. I'm an adult but I'm acting like a little kid hoping that if I don't acknowledge what's right in front of me everything will turn out OK. I know from experience that's not true. Great job Terrick.

(sigh)

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Yet another 24 hours.

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#298692 - 08/10/09 09:48 AM Re: The World and My Place In It [Re: Clockwise]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Hi, Terrick.

I am experiencing some of the same things with "school" so, I understand the frustrations there.

I also express my frustrations in the wrong direction which for me is "at" myself. When I read your comment "Great Job, Terrick" I hear sarcasm and internal strife. I hope I am hearing/reading this incorrectly. But, as a fellow csa survivor I understand the internal negative messages.

Tomorrows will look very different when looking back on today.

Your a good man and deserve to treat yourself with kindness.

Peace,
DJ

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#298809 - 08/11/09 01:13 AM Re: The World and My Place In It [Re: DJsport]
Clockwise Offline


Registered: 03/03/09
Posts: 302
Loc: Pennsylvania
Thanks for the wisdom DJ and everyone who replied. Yeah, it was a bit of sarcasm in my last reply. I really couldn't help but beat myself up. But I guess I should know better than to get myself in this type of position by now.

You know, sometimes I like to write little encouraging sayings down that I make up myself or that I heard in a movie or tv show. I usually write them on little Post-It notes and stick one on my computer desk so everyday I sit at my desk I can see it. I have this one saying that goes "Today, all your dreams will come true." I think I heard it in a movie or something. I see it every single day and evry single day I see it I believe in it less and less. What little confidence I had in myself gets smaller and smaller everytime I look in the mirror. I can feel myself sliding back to my high school ways and that's someplace I never want to return to.

I keep telling myself that everyday will bring something new, something better, but I've been disappointed for a long time and I feel I have nobody to blame but myslef. Maybe I shouldn't be myself up so much, I'm only 19, I can't expect the extraordinary to just drop in my lap. (sigh) Thanks for listening.

Terrick

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