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#298722 - 08/10/09 01:08 PM Re: may trigger....abused wives? who cares? [Re: NY Daisy]
roxanne Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/22/08
Posts: 16
Daisy,

It is a shock. We make excuses for them for so many years, through so much bad behaviour and bad treatment. They were abused, right? And I wasn't, so I can and must overlook it, for the sake of the little boy who suffered so much. We start to change, to become withdrawn, depressed and yes, we show symptoms of PTSD. Sometimes we are angry, and then we feel guilty because, yes, he suffered so much. And we swallow it down again. Until the day dawns, and it is the most painful day of all the painful days we have experienced to date, when we realize that he is going to keep treating us this way, no matter how much therapy he gets, no matter how much progress he makes (and he has made progress). We realize that we will be his punching bag always. And that it is not really about the CSA.
You are not crazy. I went through this last year. 2008 was my year to be in a dense fog of pain and hurt, and realization that a man can be a CSA survivor and also be an abuser. And whom was he abusing? Me, his wife, who stuck with him through everything. There is no excuse for his behaviour, in my opinion, because he knows how it feels.

I am so sorry for your pain. You will get better, Daisy, I promise, 2009 has already been a much better year for me. He may not get better, but you will.

With all my love,
Roxanne


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#298743 - 08/10/09 04:15 PM Re: may trigger....abused wives? who cares? [Re: roxanne]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
I always figured it was easier for me to take the B.S because I was physically and emotionally abused as a child. It took a few years for me to even see some of it..."this is normal right?" I would tell myself. Yelling and throwing stuff was normal in life.
Once I woke up and figured out it was not normal and NOT ok it was hard to dig myself out of the thoughts that I deserved it. I as well was young. 17 when I met him and 19 when I was married. I heard a lot of "if you just did.......", "if you just didn't do......", "I only get this mad with you", "no one else envokes this kind of rage within me but you", "you know how to push my buttons." and my all time favorite...."I just want to be left alone." He always just wants to be left alone. If I left him alone his whole life he'd be happy, he wouldn't have to interact with me and life would be fine.

It's a lonely life. When H is angry all bets are off. He is cruel and the mean things that come out of that mouth are amazing and I have learned to shut down and let it go, except every once in awhile he'll find a button and hurt me good.

When schools starts again I'll be able to go back to therapy, I can't wait to get of the clarity that you are able to get. Hugs to you my friend.

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#298760 - 08/10/09 05:29 PM Re: may trigger....abused wives? who cares? [Re: dangal]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
You gals have my compassion. Even tho my relationship with my wife is pretty decent now, it has not always been so. Some of the things you talk about in this thread were my problems also. When I read threads like this it causes me to go back and reexamine my current behaviors because certainly I'm not perfect and I'm sure residual elements remain in my life of things from the past.

Your courage is inspiring. Thankyou for being here and for being willing to be
vulnerable for in that vulnerability some of us are shown a much needed mirror.

I wish good things for each of you. You deserve it. Continue to be strong.

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#299044 - 08/12/09 09:24 PM Re: may trigger....abused wives? who cares? [Re: WalkingSouth]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
Thanks John. It means a lot to hear it.
Jen

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#299292 - 08/14/09 02:05 PM Re: may trigger....abused wives? who cares? [Re: dangal]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
No one can take advantage of you unless you allow it. I think it was Ann Landers who published it and it's been repeated over and over and over ad nausem. They are pretty simple words that seem to make all the sense in the world, but they really are silly and useless, because the "taking advantage" or abuse sneaks up on you. You don't/can't stop it because you don't see it for what it is until your neck deep with your legs and arms pinned at your sides. But what do you do when you finally are able to "see?" It seems hopeless. You've been denagrated and controlled for years; you've lost all points of reference to a "normal" life. Piece by piece, you've forfeighted yourself for the sake of someone else. You can't fight your way out; you don't know right from wrong any more; "you" aren't there. You're just a head sticking out of the muck. You have no limbs to grab for a lifeline, but you do have a voice. It's weak, it's frightened, but its there and you know it's all you have left. It doesn't pay to scream, no one hears it. Whisper, people will strain to hear you, maybe if they strain hard enough, they will really "hear" you. You've been almost broken, someone will want to help. Maybe not the first 100, but maybe number 101 will reach under your arms and pull you out a little bit. We have to call to them, the "others" who don't know but who love us or maybe even like us and who are good people, who want to help US.

Just as the men here who are trying to better themselves and their lives, we have an obligation to ourselves to do the same. Our husbands or boyfriends need our support, yes, but not at the expense of our lives, that's too much for anyone to ask and its too much to be offered. If it becomes clear that it's happening, the only alternative is to put the breaks on and put up a force field to protect ourselves from the fallout. No one deserves abuse, in any form and if someone is doing that to you then finding a way out of it is the only way forward. I don't have any illusions that it's an easy task or that any words read here will be the final solution, but if this forum turns on a lightbulb for even one partner and enables her/him to turn the tide then it's as priceless as I believe it to be.

Don't kid yourselves that if you change for the better, your man will fall apart. It's BS, and even if he does, it's because he was going to anyway.

Ladies, I applaud your strength - you may not know it's there, but I see it. I read your words and I KNOW you are capable of taking back your lives. No one sees you in the mirror except you. That person deserves to smile more than cry.

ROCK ON..........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#299300 - 08/14/09 02:52 PM Re: may trigger....abused wives? who cares? [Re: Trish4850]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
BRAVO Trish! Well said.

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#299325 - 08/14/09 05:29 PM Re: may trigger....abused wives? who cares? [Re: WalkingSouth]
MPackard Offline


Registered: 12/09/08
Posts: 43
Loc: MS
Ditto Walkkingsouth....BRAVO TRISH. When I try to explain how I became an abused wife in my prior marriage no explaination seemed to make sense. One day I finally said "well, an abuser doesn't start out by punching you in the mouth...." I think that was when I began to realize that I had been so demoralized and terrorized by someone who was "ALSO" a charming and kind, loving husband. I began forgiving myself then. Only people who have been abused can understand that statement.


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#299362 - 08/14/09 10:18 PM Re: may trigger....abused wives? who cares? [Re: MPackard]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
Trish....you are right on the mark. Today was such a difficult day for me, and it is amazing how you just never see it coming. I asked my H today to try to understand that even if his emotional & verbal abuse is all in my head...I BELIEVE THAT IT IS TRUE. I really need him to help me, comfort me, maybe even have some empathy for me, couldn't he understand that I am in pain. His answer was that even though from time to time he is a nasty prick to me, I am too sensitive and do not let it go...that I love drama and am not happy unless I am miserable. Then he proceeded to tell me that I have borderline personality disorder...and that it has been me all these years that has been abusing him. I tried to ask him then why it is me, feeling so bad then...he said it was part of my disorder...and even though I abuse him he has overlooked it, because he doesn't harbor grudges. Everytime I wanted to discuss my pain...he yelled double talked, twisted, blamed,screaming at me that if I never admit to how I have disrespected him as a man..by not being the doting wife to his every whim, he busts his ass everyday and when he gets home, he should be obeyed. I think he said one of my most abusive behaviors was ordering pizza because I am to lazy to cook. By the time he was done, I was on the floor hysterical crying, emotionally numb, empty, and wishing to god he would just have hit me..so I would know that I am not nuts...and I am being abused. The sick part is once I was a broken shell on the floor...he could then comfort me. He said I needed to listen to myself...husbands and wives fight, that he loves me, and we should try to be nicer with each other..and he hopes I will be honest with my T, so that I can change my behavior. I did not even see it coming. Once again, I was left wracking my brain...wondering how I have blocked out all the abuse I have inflicted on him...and feeling bad that he has to put up with my instability.

Now hours later, my H is happy, in love with me...our past is behind us, we are starting fresh today, anything that happened yesterday or before...will never be discussed...because as he pointed out...one of my issues is I need to learn to let go. When he says it again...I am only to remember it that day, and I feel like a moron because I was played...AGAIN!!!


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#299369 - 08/15/09 03:00 AM Re: may trigger....abused wives? who cares? [Re: NY Daisy]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
"I am too sensitive and do not let it go...that I love drama and am not happy unless I am miserable." I have been told these EXACT words in the past. Ohhh yes, we LOVE being in pain and being sad all the time right? Please. I am so, so sorry you are in the place you are in. You didn't get played. You want to believe that he can be everything that says he is and more. You have a lot of support here. Lean on us!

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#299421 - 08/15/09 06:55 PM Re: may trigger....abused wives? who cares? [Re: dangal]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
I didn't have much time last night to post....Thanks Trish for your post. It's nice to be understand and cared about. It does make it harder to see that you are being abused when it's all you knew. My whole life was about yelling and name calling and disfunction. I didn't "get" it for a long time that it was not ok.

It took him getting a neighbor mad at us for the fog to lift from my eyes. A teenager knocked on our door and ran off and Hubby went off on her and her friends. He was just scary. The parents didn't take too kindly to it and all the people who lived within earshot of his fits started telling me that they knew about my husbands issues. I was thinking huh? I really had no idea what they were talking about. I idolized Hubby at the time and when he said the girl was spoiled and no one had ever put her in her place before and that was why she was bouncing around where she pleased playing pranks on whomever. I stood by my man. When people over and over again said they could hear him ripping me apart from doors down and they were embarrassed for me....I could no longer see it as normal any longer. I had been married for years at this point....The training was well in place. I had the power to make him mad, to make him happy, to make him break things and to make him punch holes in the walls, if I wanted him to stop then I had to be good. Now I think wow, didn't know anyone was ohhh so all powerful!

I'm getting better, babysteps. I had a hard day yesterday, but I'm feeling Ok today so that IS progress. I remember a day not so far in the past when a bad day would have me in a funk for a long time. I was so wrapped up in them and him and how he felt that I couldn't function. I'm going to be Ok. I'm even smiling today Trish, and I have not cried once. I rock.

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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