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#298325 - 08/07/09 02:00 AM may trigger....abused wives? who cares?
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
I have tried several times to see a marriage counselor with my H. We usually do not last more than 3 or 4 sessions. If the T does not agree with him ....done. Our last T told me I need to stop bringing up the abuse daily( not true) and the only one that can help me is me.He told me I need to take responsibility for my half of this wreck. I can only work on me. I AGREED. My H would sit there and lie,( he is a compulsive liar) and would just believe him, but if I said something about what he had done....he would ask my H if it was true.I did not feel comfortable at all.

Finally we were given a bill and it was double what we thought. WHY? The receptionist said we are out of network. WHAT???? I picked all the names out of my medical book listing drs and coverage. How could this have happened? MY H had no idea. He called to make the appointment, if I would have made it he would have accused me of talking to the T and he would be biased against him. I asked him for the paper, he can't find it. I searched my book for any of the names on the card, no matches and called the receptionist again and she assured me that they have never been in my plan. THIS LEAVES MY H. He works in psych in a hospital and could have gotten the name from someone....even though we needed to be in network.

Anyway we quit. My h has been nice....and now he has not. He tells me at least 3 times a day," do you know what's wrong with you?" undermines me with the kids....I see my 14yr picking up his bad habits of putting me down and then expecting special treatment.

Anyway, I went back to one of our first marriage T's. My H hated him because he didn't agree with him that I had mental problems. ANYWAY, he is great. He remembered my H, bald,very rigid, and quite controlling. This is where it could get dicey for some ***** my T would like to know why I am so worried about what happened to hin 37 years ago, but you don't any regard for the abuse you endured yesterday. WHAT???? Who is helping you through your abuse at the hands of him.
I liked him because he was straight forward...but was not ready for this. I've thought of it....but then he was so sweet. MY T says emotional and verbal abuse can be, if not more be damaging to one's soul. Have any of you ever thought about the long term effects your behaviors have on us. I think I have PTSD...I blank out when he starts belittling me.

I came into the relationship young, niave...and now I am emotionally beaten down...empty. He Shares nothing with me. He has made me his victim,,,but spins it that it is him,

PLEASE MEN IF YOU EVEN THINK THIS MIGHT BE TRUE GET YOUR SELF INTO A PROGRAM FOR ANGRY MEN.....save some of your marriages. If my h would take me in his arms and look deep in my eyes and asked my to explain my feelings I think I would die. We are being abused.....sorry but true. When a marriage ends I hope you remember this....It can't always be about you....we deserve time too.


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#298330 - 08/07/09 02:57 AM Re: may trigger....abused wives? who cares? [Re: NY Daisy]
LittleNinja Offline


Registered: 11/06/08
Posts: 9
Loc: South Africa
Dear NY Daisy

I am not a wife (and hence I know nothing about marriage or kids - heck I don't think I could say anything helpful about relationships at all - I can only listen and pray and tell you a bit about my story. I'm the girlfriend of a survivor. I can't say I relate to everything you have said in your post but I certainly have endured some unfair treatment. He tends to withdraw sometimes and also doesn't share his thoughts and feelings. I don't need to know everything he thinks and feels all the time!!! I just want an answer sometimes when I ask him why he's not doing okay! I also don't want to beg him to tell me things! But if after 3 attempts I stop asking him whats wrong he feels I don't care to know what he is going through! HUH? This really confuses me. I don't want to nag but if I don't it means I don't care about him? He gets angry and directs all that anger towards me and I don't deserve one bit of it!

At the moment I barely get enough sleep since he "loses' it when he texts me or tries to call and I don't reply - I have set my mobile's alert tones as loud as they can go but still sometimes I'm so tired after a day at work ect that when I go to bed I sleep like a rock! Then eventually if I do wake up and answer my phone he tells me things like "you don't sound tired or like you have been sleeping" - implying that I lied about being at home and that I'm busy doing something he wouldn't approve of, and "I should have known it would be one of those nights that I can't reach you no matter what I do" - this he says past midnight when most people I know are asleep - but for me to be sleeping is unacceptable, and "can't you just f****ng answer your phone!!!" - followed by him hanging up and me having to call back... frown

I don't think it's at all realistic that he expects me to be availiable for a talk every hour of the day and night. I try to be there for him as much as I possibly can, giving up sleep and other activities. I don't mind doing that because I care for him deeply and know he needs me just like I need him, but it hurts me so much when he takes his anger out on me and talks to me like I'm a lying dishonest uncaring piece of crap. I don't even know how to explain to him anymore that I was JUST SLEEPING! (I never get more than 5 hours of sleep a day!!!) And no matter what I say he just insists that I can phone him any time of the day or night even if he's dead tired or sleeping or drunk and he would still answer - NOT TRUE.

I understand that sometimes he isn't availiable or in the position to contact me and I accept that. It's such a small issue really but for him it's huge and he flyes off the handle. Why can't he just be more realsitic and understanding? I swear this is basicly the only thing worth mentioning that we ever really argue about. It seems rather ridiculous to me to argue about not always replying to sms's and answering phone calls... BIG SIGH.

I guess my issues are rather small compared to yours but your thread gave me the opportunity to vent - haven't posted anything for long and somehow couldn't bring myself to hit the submit button - I have written a post twice this week but didn't feel like I could post it...almost like I'm betraying him by discussing some of my feelings and aspects of our relationship. Maybe I'm just crazy and irrational. I don't know.

Thanks for your thread NY Daisy - I feel a bit better now! smile
I hope things will go better for you!

Peace, healing and love

LN

_________________________
"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." - Mother Teresa


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#298340 - 08/07/09 06:48 AM Re: may trigger....abused wives? who cares? [Re: LittleNinja]
GSH Offline


Registered: 07/30/09
Posts: 14
Hey NY Daisy,
Your post resonates with me in a different way- you sound panicked(forgive me if I am wrong)-but if you are, rightfully so.

Panicked that the man you love is slipping away; the depth of love and connectedness you once had, that you are fighting for, until your dying breath....is losing its connection anyway.

In respect to connectedness: my husband talks in circles a lot, avoiding authenticity and transparancy on any level, thus inhibiting real bonding in any way, shape or form. I am alone in my marriage.

Peace to you in the struggle to stay connected with a hurting man. Good job for crying out for help in the midst of your pain. Your pain is as valid.

Love hurts beyond human ability when it is not in an environment to grow or is intentionally thwarted.

Having a "bottom line" with a partner is empowering. Perhaps your passion and energy would better support you right now if you clarified your bottom line (what you will take and won't take)and subsequently see a "marker" of sorts to gage your way down this very difficult road.
God bless you
GSH


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#298372 - 08/07/09 02:08 PM Re: may trigger....abused wives? who cares? [Re: GSH]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Hi NWD,

GSH is right. You need a line in the sand that signifies what you will and will not accept as far as his behaviors go. Drawing that line and make it stick is the only possible hope of saving the relationship.

It's a tough decision to have to make but in the end it is the best one. Many times taking that stand is the turning point for the survivor.

I wish you peace,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#298546 - 08/09/09 01:51 AM Re: may trigger....abused wives? who cares? [Re: WalkingSouth]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I understand. Hubby as done some things over the years that has clearly been abusive and has damaged me. AND if MY husband would take me in his arms and look deep into MY eyes and ask me how I felt I would NOT have a CLUE what to do with THAT!!! He avoids feelings like posion. Scary stuff those feelings. I know to him it is scary but dang it, feelings are real and have to be heard. If not you have a sad wife. My husband is better but the ups and downs can be unbearable. The yelling and name calling are the worst. I do find myself shutting down over those. Hard to know what to do. John has told me to draw my line as well. I'm working on it. I'm getting stronger, as you seem to be. I'm so proud of you for getting into therapy for yourself!! I'm next.

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#298583 - 08/09/09 02:50 PM Re: may trigger....abused wives? who cares? [Re: dangal]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Hi, NY Daisy.

WOW. You are IN a difficult situation no doubt.

It sounds to me as if you know what you IN.

I am a survivor and a formerly married man (divorced 20 years ago in 4 months) who had to get honest.

I will be the first to say my csa caused damaged to me and those around me and I struggle in trusting others including those who are the closest to me. It is VERY unfortunate for us survivors and those around us as adults to live with this. I did not "deal" with my CSA and its affects (I surpressed it) until 3 years ago.

It is OK to set limits and get to know yourself. It is OK to leave even for just an hour or whatever.

The feelings will not kill us but, lack of feeling them will. In my opinion, NOT dealing with the "affects" of the abuse (csa from yesterdays and stuff from today) will poison any relationship.

Peace,
DJ

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#298589 - 08/09/09 03:39 PM Re: may trigger....abused wives? who cares? [Re: DJsport]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Originally Posted By: DJsport
The feelings will not kill us but, lack of feeling them will. In my opinion, NOT dealing with the "affects" of the abuse (csa from yesterdays and stuff from today) will poison any relationship.


I couldn't agree more. Well said!

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#298689 - 08/10/09 09:38 AM Re: may trigger....abused wives? who cares? [Re: WalkingSouth]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
Dear all....Thank you for responding to my post. I hear you Little Ninja...why does he need to take out his frustration on you....all your asking for is sleep. I thought that my problems were minimal when I first started coming her too....but I was just in denial.

I am in a panic. Not because my Husband is slipping away(he likes it the way it is right now, me beaten down afraid to open my mouth) I am in a panic because I see it for what it really is...and I am slipping away. My T is helping me see that NO ONE should have to tolerate ABUSE...regardless of past situations. My T suggested I read LUNDY BANCROFT....Why Does He Do That???? In the minds of angry and controlling men. LADIES PLEASE READ THIS. My T has explained to me that by allowing my H to use his SA as a reason for his abuse of me...I enabled his bad behavior. I like many of you thought my H was a nice guy....well emotionally abusive men are nice guys. They have to be nice, so that they can win you back....just to do it again. Your blindsided every single time...." WHAT HAPPENED!"" We need to wake up and smell the coffee....a nice guy would not treat us the way some of our Husbands do. Simple as that. One of our T's had said to me, " sometimes someone is just a nasty prick." He was refering to my H. My H has been using is past to manipulate me....if I dare mention his behavior has something to do with his SA....it's because I just won't let him live it down. He is fine...ask him, he'll tell you. He will also tell you that I have many psychiatric problems, and one of his new ones is that I have never learned how to relate to people and form healthy bonds. IS HE KIDDING ME???

I have tried everything with this man. HE IS FINE. Everyone in his house, me the kids, the dog....we all need help. My new T wants to know when he received his degree in psych. NEVER. When I draw a line on something and tell him it won't be tolerated...he finds a new one to cross...and expects to be rewarded for respecting me. I put 20 years of my life into trying to establish a loving relationship with this man...and I have a superficial shell before me. He treats me like an aquaintance. I mutual friend on Fabebook asked me a question about our family going on vacation, so I asked him why he would tell people we were going on vacay...when were not. I was screamed at, he was yelling how the problem is I do not want him speaking to anyone but me...and I'm just pissed that he does not tell me things when I want him to. HUH!!!! Anyway...he deleted his Facebook acct. Never told me, someone pm'd me asking about it. What am I supposed to say?

I can go on for hours and hours, my heart is breaking, my H feels I am the one in need of help, he is fine, I am getting myself help....and slowly he is losing me. I asked him once if the shoe was on the other foot and I was threatening to leave, like he does all the time, would you fight for me? the answer sadly was no.


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#298701 - 08/10/09 11:33 AM Re: may trigger....abused wives? who cares? [Re: NY Daisy]
riz Offline


Registered: 10/07/08
Posts: 123
(((Daisy))) I don't know what to say. I'm still here at MS, but, I haven't been saying much because...I don't know what to say anymore. So much sadness and seemingly no solutions.

Do I hear that it is painful for you because finally your HUSBAND is losing YOU? It is so painful for us to feel like we are being left behind, but maybe moreso to begin considering throwing in the towel ourselves?

In the end I still wanted to give in, to think that, in light of my husband's problems, my needs could be set aside. Then came the day that I needed one little thing emotionally and he wouldn't give it. So that was it. I said good bye if you can't give me this. He couldn't. That one little thing. (My shrink says it was a big thing for him...but...) And I feel like I was too harsh and lacking understanding. But I NEEDED what I needed. So hard to find the balance between being understanding and losing self respect.

It certainly sounds like you have tried and tried and then tried some more. You deserve the self respect you are giving yourself now. My thoughts are with you.

Riz


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#298712 - 08/10/09 12:24 PM Re: may trigger....abused wives? who cares? [Re: riz]
Pisces Offline


Registered: 07/06/09
Posts: 25
Loc: California
Ladies, thank you for making me not feel so alone in the same exact thoughts you all continue to share. The tears that are flowing down my face could write pages of the same story we are all sharing. Sometimes I feel so much shame inside because suddenly I woke up and I realized I am in a very painful emotionally abusive relationship. I sometimes blame myself, because I think "how did I allow this to happen". I feel alone in my thoughts as many things that have happened/been said to me I cannot bear to admit to a friend or family member. I am embarrassed. But what I do know and admit that I have contributed to this ongoing abuse by making excuses because he was acting out due to unresolved CSA issues and PTSD. As a wise person illustrated on MS before...we wouldnt allow a stranger to treat us this way or someone without CSA issues...so why him?? So true.

So now I have pulled away to take care of me and allow him the space to take care of him. But I would be a liar if I didnt admit that I dont hope to hear from him. That I dont think about him every day. That I dont have so much empathy and courage for his stregnth for the things he is finally doing to handle CSA. But I know what I was doing before wasnt helping him....or me. As hard as it is every day...I just have to let it all be.

I am sorry I cannot lend words of advice or offer a bandaid to the every breaking/disappointed heart. All I can mirror to you and keep repeating to myself is what I do know is right: take care of ourselves. Hard as we've spent so long caring, loving and sometimes enabling our partners. But sadly, somehow many of us lost ourselves in this and we need to rediscover who we were/are.


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