i don't think you've really left the victim label stage yet noman,; now it seems you've progressed onto the 'angry victim' stage' based on
now i am he who wants to wear his hatred as a badge that i was wronged
i think there's your key right there. and don't diminish the importance of that. you got to that realization in a few short months. brother, THAT IS PROGRESS. you must be drinking the right koolaide!
next stage after righteous indignation?
to learn how to get to the place within yourself where the thought label 'i was wronged' loses its power as a self identifier, and merely become accepted as an observation, as a neutral fact that it was something that happened, and to disinvest emotionally from that fact.
at the risk of seeming to be preaching, i'm going to step out on a limb here and defer to your christian faith. i believe from reading your posts that you have a relationship with/to christ. i'm not preaching, but rather trying to find a some common ground to discuss the victim modality here. [if you find this offensive, let me know and i will edit it out
] . in the same sense that he was a blameless target/victim of a different kind of abuse, so were we targets of abusive acts, and we, like him, were victimized by those acts. we did nothing to warrant them being inflicted on us, but nonetheless, like him, we were. he faced that victimization as we did, like a lamb led to the slaughter, as we did. his life was cut off in the victimization, as was ours. his death a physical one, but ours a psychic/spiritual one.
what's the point? the joy of his resurrection to new life separated him from his past, and it became clear as mud that his life had been so much more than a mere happenstance, that his life was so much more than his abusers in their minds defined it to be. he was exulted. he could not have been exulted had he stayed on that cross, or tried to climb back up onto it after rising, or stayed behind the stone. no he left the past where it belonged : in the past.
he had spent his three days in hell...... a prerequisite for being exulted. and that hell is a place where many of us get stuck, clinging to the notion that we are eternal victims, we never allow the rest of the story to unfold because, for one reason, we don't know how to live outside the label. there is no methodology for getting there. and so for lack of a handbook telling us 'how not to be a victim' we remain the victim, each of us clinging to its many modes of expression: angry victim, the isolated victim, the disassociated victim, the whistling in the dark-victim, the survivor victim, the thriver victim.
i believe this is the supreme damage that our victimization experiences netted for us, yet it's the least obvious. we focus on the fact that we lost our innocence, our virginity, our right to self-determine, our sexual identity confusion, our capability to realize THE BIG DREAM for our own lives...all those things are true, but we rarely seem to realize that the worst of what we lost is the ability to not live as victims
; that we have the power to restore ourselves to better than we were before these things happened to us. imagine that! the stone of victimization rolled away!
the question is, do we really want to take the responsibility for owning our resurrection phase, living free from the self label of victimization.
is it possible that we can have a life truly free from the effects of our past victimization, and move on as if it never happened? i believe the answer is yes. to the extent that we can remove our emotional attachment to the mentality of victim keeping us entombed, and disinvested, begin to see it objectively, as something that 'was' the case, then to that extent we will begin to move beyond the tar and feathers of sexual victimization.
christ is a model of hope and inspiration showing that this can happen. but as long as we remain on the cross, or in the grave, hell's 'three' days, it will be impossible to be released into our own freedom from the abuse of the past.
those are my immediate thoughts about the subject, so please forgive me if have misspoken here.
all the best,