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#298089 - 08/05/09 10:28 AM feeling like a loser
pseudo Offline


Registered: 04/06/09
Posts: 33
Loc: Wisconsin
Okay, so I'm all discombobulated and I need to do a brain dump and hopefully get some feedback.

Background: I'm going through a divorce, and I'm suffering from loneliness. Not just not being around people, but not being in a relationship. I started going to a divorce group a couple months ago, and I found I really enjoyed the company of women.. partly out of a normal "human bonding" kinda thing, and partly out of a sicker "attraction" kinda thing. I've disclosed my sex & love addiction, my CSA, depression, etc.

So last night was the 3rd week in a row we split up into (more or less) male-female sub-groups (instead of the usual way of splitting up by how far along we are in the proverbial process). I'm feeling personally rejected, like I'm the reason the women want to be in their own group.

I have no idea if this is true or not, and I'm terrified to ask. I'm afraid that I'll be judged as pathetic, sick, stupid, etc. for even thinking and feeling that way. I'm also afraid to find out that what I think & feel is true, that I am "dangerous" or "threatening" to them, and they want/need to stay away from me.

Either way, I see that I'm really messed up, and I'm having a hard time getting over that. I see how all this ties back to incest ... being inappropriately sexual with someone I was close to. I wonder if it's ever going to change. If I will ever be able to live anything resembling a "normal" life. It feels like I won't.

My urge is to throw up my hands, say "I QUIT," and just be the loser that I already feel like. I hate myself, and I wish I was dead. (EDIT: BTW, I'm not threatening suicide or anything like that.)



Edited by pseudo (08/05/09 12:26 PM)
Edit Reason: disclaimer: I'm not suicidal
_________________________
The sun has left the sky, now you can close your eyes, leave all the world behind until tomorrow.

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#298101 - 08/05/09 11:36 AM Re: feeling like a loser [Re: pseudo]
jameson Offline


Registered: 04/19/09
Posts: 13
Loc: USA
First, call your T. Then, resist the urge to give in and give up. Divorce is difficult even when both parties want it. Embrace the opportunity in group to make friends with the other men, learn from their experience, help them where you can and work on your recovery. You can't control the thinking or opinions of the others ...only your own. Make the best of the opportunity for the support and counseling. Work the process with your eye on the goal of recovering. Understand, each person (abused or not) has "issues." (That's what puts the "fun" in dysfunctional). "Normal" doesn't exist. Having "issues" is "normal." We are a product of our life experience. Each person's experience is different and troubled. Stick with it ... stay strong. Chose to live ...believing ... knowing ... that all things are possible. Take quitting off your list of options. Stay strong. Believe you can be.


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#298121 - 08/05/09 02:41 PM Re: feeling like a loser [Re: jameson]
pseudo Offline


Registered: 04/06/09
Posts: 33
Loc: Wisconsin
I wish my problem was as simple as just having issues. Ya, I know nobody's perfect and everybody has issues. I'm not asking for perfection or freedom from issues .. I want NORMALCY. Freedom from being a freak outcast of society. I want a job, and to start a family, and have normal people issues, like "Should we paint the bathroom red or green?" I'm sick of "all fucked up about women." I'm sick of "afraid to talk to people."

I can't call my therapist. I can't be taking up his time every time I feel like this. I'd be on the phone all god damn day and I'd accrue millions of dollars in fees that I don't have (I'm already in the hole almost $2000 from psychiatric & therapeutic issues).

_________________________
The sun has left the sky, now you can close your eyes, leave all the world behind until tomorrow.

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#298125 - 08/05/09 03:07 PM Re: feeling like a loser [Re: pseudo]
jameson Offline


Registered: 04/19/09
Posts: 13
Loc: USA
Please accept my apology. I certainly did not mean to minimize or diminish your burden ... or agitate you. The weight is heavy. I know. I'm a survivor, too. You're not a "freak" ... or "outcast." You're troubled by the side effects of the abuse. My point is ... we all are troubled ... just in different ways. Idealizing "normalcy" and the availability of it to "everyone else" only makes us feel worse. Those "normal" couples experience drug dependency, infidelity, addiction to pornography, domestic violence, financial peril and job loss/instability, too. Sometimes we get so consumed with our problems and we forget everyone has problems. This is ours. We have to come to terms with it. Makes me feel better when I'm reminded of it ... adjusts my perspective. I think the first step is accepting the truth ... deciding to recover ... and tirelessly working toward it ... and stop spending our emotional capital wishing things were different. I guess I have to believe it and suppose that's as good a reason as any. Don't subscribe to the never and forever lie ... that it's never going to change ... and that it will always be this way. Look around here ... it simply is not true. Recovery is possible ... a job ... a family ... are possible. Each day I remind myself ... I'm not where I want to be ... maybe not even where I should be ... but I'm not where I used to be. Progress is incremental. My hope for you and me is that in the fullness of time ... we can both focus on the color we want our respective bathrooms. But I promise ... when we get there ... it won't be our only concern. I only say these things out of the earnest desire to be helpful to you ... and candidly to remind myself.


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#298151 - 08/05/09 06:19 PM Re: feeling like a loser [Re: pseudo]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
Quote:
I hate myself, and I wish I was dead


boy does that ever make sense. i think a lot of us have days like that. still, when you stop all the madness inside your head, you just have to embrace this statement: there has simply got to be another, a better way to live.

and that is what recovery is all about. finding that better way for yourself.

first thing i notice is that you seem to have some pretty ugly self-labeling going on automatically in your mind. you invest in ideas like 'normal', sick, 'pathetic'; by whose standards are you making such value judgments against yourself? none of it is true.

if you have a secret agenda going on when you attend these meetings, it's great that you can be aware of that, but you don't have to kick yourself for it. celebrate the fact that you were able to realize it, and move on to the next layer of understanding. but don't carry these judgments forward not one step further. there are no winners in a showdown where you are both the target and the shooter.

you are beginning to become aware of the depth and breadth of your own suffering. it will take a long time to rebuild what was destroyed and/or lost. but please be gentle and compassionate with yourself in the process. and try to learn not to give just to get. because that will only lead to more pain, disillusionment and despair.

remember, the feeling of being a loser is not a fact; it is the thought upon which this feeling is predicated that needs to be removed and disinvested. one link at a time, the same way this chain of thought enslaved you.

have hope that your own inner light will show you the way, but be careful not to blow out your own candle unwittingly.

ok, i'm done preaching now. love yourself....we do...so you don't have to do that alone.

all the best,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#298152 - 08/05/09 06:20 PM Re: feeling like a loser [Re: jameson]
Tedure Offline


Registered: 04/17/09
Posts: 203
Loc: Utah
You are going through a very hard time in your life. I am so sorry this is happening to you. I know it is hard.

There are many in your life and on this site who have love and concern for you! You are not alone!! You are not a loser!

My prayers are with you.

Much Love and respect, Ted



Edited by ModTeam (08/05/09 06:30 PM)
Edit Reason: remove religious content as per guidelines for posting in this forum

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#298207 - 08/06/09 12:35 AM Re: feeling like a loser [Re: pseudo]
LilacLouie Offline


Registered: 07/02/09
Posts: 359
Loc: Utah
Quote:
I've disclosed my sex & love addiction, my CSA, depression, etc.

I presume because you felt there was a level of trust with the group.

Quote:
I'm feeling personally rejected, like I'm the reason the women want to be in their own group.

Unfortunately that happens. Those that have never been through that or that themselves have not resolved what they did experience simply aren't ready for it. It scares them, because they either are afraid it will bring old memories up or they know little to nothing about it and it's human nature to be scared of what you know nothing about.

Quote:
I have no idea if this is true or not, and I'm terrified to ask.

Honestly? Don't. Just don't ask. If they want you to know, they will tell you.

Quote:
I hate myself, and I wish I was dead.

I used to think that. Then I realized that if I was dead three things WILL happen (using "I" as a point of reference)-
1. "They" win and I lose. Not worth the effort based solely on that.
2. I have no further chance at getting better and getting past the trauma.
3. I forget.

But it works for me. If I am alive, they don't win. At the least it's a draw. At best I win because I get better, I get past what happened.

I know, getting better is hard, and getting past what happened can be nearly impossible. But it's a goal with a bountiful future.


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