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#29768 - 06/05/02 06:49 PM Re: flashback blues
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Michael
My biggest problem is maths, I'm dyslexic with numbers (dyscalculia I think it's called ) so when I write something about my past I tend to guestimate dates. But if I think about it a bit I get it right. I was abused first, one incident, at about 6 yrs. Then at school from 11 to 16 yrs.
from then till I was 45 all I did was go downhill, but I always suspected that what went on at school had a lot to do with it, I just hadn't figured out what and why. I guess I found a way of dealing with it, badly, but it kept me going.
Luckily I recognized that I either had to something, I didn't know what, or I was going to get worse and lose it altogether, and I saw an adver in the local paper for a charity that offered therapy for adult SA victims. I took weeks and several attempts before I let the phone ring long enough to get an answer.
I had about 3 yrs therapy, 1 to 1, and since then I've worked at it myself. This site being the best way I've found.
Defeating my guilt and shame has been the hardest part, and I think I have only done it by sharing it with those I love, which took a hell of job. I didn't know what their reaction would be. But my wife and a few close friends now know EVERYTHING. I now know how lucky I am to have them. But other peoples reactions to my past, not least here on this site, have confirmed to me that I did NOTHING wrong. Very regular abuse over 4 years trained me to behave like the instigator, I would ask my abusers what they wanted me to do. that remained with me until the last couple of years, sometimes it's still there a bit. But just because I asked them doesn't make me the same as them. THEY were the abusers, something I never lose sight of now.
I was incredibly lucky to get a specialist therapist and with very intensive work I got over the worst in 2 1/2 years or so. But I still have the occasional chat.
And I do like myself now, mainly because other people like me too. Something I never recognised before. I thought everyone was out to screw me somehow, but they weren't.
talk to you later Michael
Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#29769 - 06/06/02 12:27 PM Re: flashback blues
michaelb Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
Now i understand better......did you not remember the abuse at all, or were you fully aware of it your entire life.....i remember very little, and have been totally unable to remember any of the sex acts.....not surprising i guess, since not only can i not have sex, but i cannot even dream about having sex.....very screwed up, i know.....the 2 1/2 years scares me a little, that means i have another year of feeling this turmoil?????? i told my family and they all deny the abuse ever happened because my mother convinced them of this, even though they have no way of knowing since i am the oldest.....the uncle that abused me impregnated my 15-year-old cousin, his niece, and tried to sleep with my 15-year-old sister.....my mother is fully aware of all of this, but still denies the possibility.....of course, i try to deny the possibility too......but her initial reaction to me when i told her was, "I'll call your uncle and ask him".......to me is totally unforgivable, i will never forgive her for that.....NEVER!!!!! we have had a very strained relationship for a number of years, but at this point, i think it is beyond repair....i've been searching for her love, love she is incapable of giving, for so long......i just refuse to waste anymore time trying to be "WORTHY" of her love.....F----!!!!! she is not worthy of my love, i will not continue to try......i will co-exist, nothing more.........i do have fragmented memories of a couple of incidents when i was a teenager spending weekends with my uncle.....my therapist thinks my abuse began at such a young age that is why my memories are so fragmented and i'm so messed up.....he says i may never recall things......the uncertainty and the not "really" knowing is so taxing.......maybe i need to start drinking to forget..........michael


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#29770 - 06/06/02 03:35 PM Re: flashback blues
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Michael
Don't get hung up on what you've forgotten, and I promise you drinking doesn't help you remember or forget, all it does to me is make the depression worse, and the hangovers are just too much.
I can remember everything just about, each incident, and who did what. My problem was that I immediately started to use the memories as fantasy when the abuse stopped, just distorting them so that I was "really" in charge, not just playing at being in charge. What they did was initially beat and rape me then groom me to ask them for sex, suggest different things to do. This way it became "my fault" and their consciences remained clear. They probably still are.
The amount or the content of the memories aren't important, if you've been abused 1 time or a 1000 times it's too many.
Work with what you've got and take support from those who support you.
Later
Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#29771 - 06/06/02 07:28 PM Re: flashback blues
michaelb Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
I'm not sure if the uncertainty is a blessing or a curse....my therapist tells me i will remember more when i can mentally cope....you think that is really possible????? In many ways i need to remember everything, but yet i'm so terrified at how i'll cope with the truth.....i guess what jack nicholson said to tom cruise in a few good men is true.....I CANNOT HANDLE THE TRUTH.......at least not all the truth.....i question whether i will ever be able to deal with the truth......we'll see.....thanks for being here......michael


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#29772 - 06/06/02 07:43 PM Re: flashback blues
Anonymous
Unregistered


Hi michaelb. Your mom called your uncle? Same with me. I told my sister about mom. Sis burned up the phone lines to momma,told momma what I had said. Mom & sis tagged me a nutcase on the spot. I thought it immensely humorous then and still do.


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#29773 - 06/06/02 07:56 PM Re: flashback blues
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Michael
the truth dont hurt- lies do. We've been lied to, deeply and persistently in the past, until we believed the abusers lies. Getting rid of the lies is more important than regaining every bit of truth. Let the memories come as they want to come, deal with the lies and you'll find the truth. It'll be all that's left.
'later
Lloydy \:\)

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#29774 - 06/08/02 12:08 PM Re: flashback blues
michaelb Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
Tinfoil.....thanks for responding...my mom did not actually call my uncle, it was a threat....you see, the last time she spoke to him, my stepfather took the phone from her because my uncle was telling her very explicity what he wanted to do to her sexually....if she called him, my stepfather would hit the roof.....i think my uncle has always had a thing for my mom, hell, for all i know, they may have had an affair, back when i was little, or maybe before i was born.....i've actually considered the possibility that my uncle might be my father....but i've discounted that possibility.....maybe my uncle abused me because my mom turned him down, who knows????????? Lloydy.....the tough thing for me is all of the uncertainty.....it is like is this stuff real or am i just imagining stuff????/ i've actually thought i was loosing my mind the last couple of years, why is all of this crap coming up now???? well, guess i know the answer to that one...it is probably because i was so close to death....i almost died with congestive heart failure, most of the time i wish i would have....it would have been much easier than to deal with what i'm looking at.............michael


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#29775 - 06/08/02 08:02 PM Re: flashback blues
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Michael
I guess we all live with uncertainty, if we knew exactly what was going to happen, knew all the answers we wouldn't have anything left to think about except the past. And for some of us we'd rather leave that behind.
The scrapes with death I've had, either at my own or someone elses hands, have left me looking forward to the future, with all it's uncertainties. I look forward to tommorrow incase it's sunny and I can get the bbq fired up as much as I look forward to retiring to a life in the sun ( I fancy Utah )
They've made me stronger in a strange way. We have all used amazing strengths to get this far, strengths we don't know we've got. But we've all got them.
talk to you later Michael
Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#29776 - 06/12/02 12:44 PM Re: flashback blues
michaelb Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
I was really relating well to you, until you told me you want to retire to UTAH??????????? why utah??????? i'm joking, guess utah is ok, but i've not heard many people talk about retiring there unless they are mormons...i have a branch of my family that live in fresno that are mormons.......utah is like their mecca......my passages with death just make me sorry that i'm not gone yet....i see absolutely no reason to still be here, as i feel i really have nothing to live for....and if the only reason i'm still alive is to remember things i think might have happened, well that is the cruelest joke of all.....i do not believe much in god, if there is one, i find him very cruel and vengeful and frankly not a being i'd care to associate with.....i just see and feel so much pain, hurt, etc...in the world......i just want the courage to exit.........michael


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#29777 - 06/12/02 03:40 PM Re: flashback blues
Cement Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 740
Loc: Southern California
I am, as always, tempted to open with a joke to diffuse what is a very serious discussion.

Have you considered that some element of not being able to find good stuff in life is that you are in Ohio? Joking, please, I am joking.

That said, my move to California from the Northeast enabled me to remove myself from the dysfunction of my family and enjoy the effect that sunshine has, at least, on me.

You will find a way out of the desert. If we destroy ourselves then the abuser has won, and that should not happen. you (and all of us) can survive...and thrive.

_________________________
And let the darkness fear our light.

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