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#297498 - 07/30/09 10:10 PM Gender Neutral -collateral damage to partners
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
Thank you, Dark Empathy, for mentioning this idea in your response to another thread.

As a survivor of multiple sexual assaults as an adult, I have had many issues with this kind of dissociation over the years, but the issues have gotten much much worse after my failed relationship with a male survivor. All those long years of repeated rejection reinforced the idea that (1) to show an appetite for sexual appreciation by and for a man was somehow wrong or inappropriate and (2) that I was nothing special, no one could possibly ever be attracted to me.

Now that I am ready to move on & invite a new man into my life, I find that I am no longer capable of sending out signals to a man to show I am interested. So - I can talk with him, e-mail him, show up at his gigs... but he loses interest in me almost immediately because I have learned the lessons so well of how NOT to show my attraction. I present as Gender Neutral and I do not know how to stop this dynamic.

I am pretty sure I just lost out on a very good man because I made him feel that I wasn't interested in HIS "gender" but that I saw him as an intellectual being ONLY.

So - partners, both women & men - my own experience makes me want to urge you all: if you really know in the depths of your heart that you and your Survivor are not fated to have a lasting commitment, think carefully about your own future and how difficult it may be for you to adapt to The World Outside once the relationship has finally failed.


I would be really grateful for some comments....
Thanks everyone for "being here!'

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

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#297532 - 07/31/09 02:45 AM Re: Gender Neutral -collateral damage to partners [Re: kolisha54]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1989
Loc: durham, north england
Wow Kolisha, I could just about right this myself.

I personally don't subscribe to the hole "male" sterriotype, and in many senses don't even considder myself male, ---- I'm just me. I have a fair few character traits which are sterriotypically female, and in fact (as I said in the last thread), many female friends.

the problem is, nothing goes any further, because of the social sterriotype that the guy has to make the first move, and my utter inability to pick up any signals or belive someone would be interested in me, and my belief that I'm too worthless for anyone to be.

there have been at least two occasions when someone has (according to others), been quite blatantly interested, but I've either not picked it up, or reacted in the wrong way, ---- flinching at a spontanious hug etc.

I can have deep and meaningful conversations, have a girl sitting there confiding in me like nobody's business, ---- and yet, it never! goes any further because I can't make that first move or even pick up those signals.

I also admit, I have more physical issues with being male attached to my fear of S, and often felt jealous of girls both for the social sterriotype that they don't have to make the first move, and the lack of physical reactions (sinse my own physical reactions scare me).

If I was the least bit gay I'd actually considder having my genda changed surgically.

this has caused me endless amounts of problems.

I'm afraid, i don't know a way out of this at all, sinse it's got in the way of me having a relationship ever sinse I actually realized that despite what had happened to me at the hands of multiple female abusers as a teenager I wanted one.

My only advice, is a bit of honesty might help. I've often so wanted a girl to make the first move, been sitting with someone my head exploding, and yet nothing (according to me), happening.

I'm too scared to say or do anything myself, even though it's socially expected.

I really hope you can work this out, ---- though i admit I haven't.

feel free to pm me as you need to.


Luke.



Edited by dark empathy (07/31/09 02:46 AM)

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#297543 - 07/31/09 05:27 AM Re: Gender Neutral -collateral damage to partners [Re: dark empathy]
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
Hi Luke -

And I could have written YOURS myself!

I am thinking of attending my "friend's" gig tonight - if I don't let my fears get to me. And if I do, I am going to try to just "watch" myself in the mindful way that I've read in Buddhist texts and see if I can discern something in my own behavior that I think I have some control over.

I think this whole mechanism is part of our PTSD - and that means that this is written into our body. I really hope that with some self-awareness we can start to emerge from this joylessness in something that should be so life-affirming.

I will be back in touch...

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

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#297667 - 08/01/09 04:07 AM Re: Gender Neutral -collateral damage to partners [Re: kolisha54]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1989
Loc: durham, north england
I hope you can come up with something.

in fairness genda nutrality doesn't always seem to be a bad thing. One very close friend of mine (who is like a brother to me), subscribes to just about every male sterriotype in the book, ---- despite being very compassionate with it.

she in fact is the only girl I know who literally walked up to her bf (who was a long standing friend), and asked him out incredibly bluntly.

Perhaps another Part of the reason we get on is that despite lots of people thinkng we were together in my first year she at one point said "I like you, but not in a romantic way"

which sutes me, sinse it's very much the way I feel about her.

I love her, ---- but as a brother, and I know for a fact she feels the same way.

I just wish though, I could meet someone as blunt as she is, ---- who would! make that first move and do what socially the guy is expected to do for me.


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