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#297075 - 07/27/09 09:16 PM Re: A QUESTION ON BEING ABUSED BY MORE THAN 1 PERP? [Re: friendinneed]
Survivinguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/09
Posts: 310
Loc: Colorado
Five that I know of here - Dad was my first and most consistent abuser. He later met with two other men and basically exchanged me to them for another boy. I didn't recognize the men or the other boy and didn't recognize the place he took me to for that abuse. I remember one other man I don't know but I can't even remember his face, just what he told while he was abusing me. Lastly was my older brother. Start to finish from when I was 5 years and 12 or 13 years old.

I've always felt that perps had some kind of perp-victim radar and that they could determine through grooming which children would be easiest to abuse. That having been said, only my Dad and maybe to some extent my brother in his early teen years ever groomed me for abuse.

Just wanted to add my two cents about being a survivor of multiple abusers.

Heal well and always,

_________________________
Survivinguy

============================================
I have to survive and I hope to thrive.

Alumni Dahlonega WoR May 2010
Alumni Sequoia WoR March 2012

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#297076 - 07/27/09 09:18 PM Re: A QUESTION ON BEING ABUSED BY MORE THAN 1 PERP? [Re: friendinneed]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2465
Loc: UK
Yes it is not unusual to have more than one perpetrator. Sometimes this may be because if you have been abused once this makes you more vulnerable to being abused again. It is not really a sign in my opinion, not so boldly, i wouldn't agree if you suggested that an abused boy has a neon sign on him, another sign that may suggest vulnerability, sure, i would agree with that. We may sometimes feel like we have neon signs on us, but rarely can other people see that.

Sometimes perpetrators can see within a child their need for something. Often a perpetrator sees a childs need for a father figure or a need for friendship and decides to target that child. Sometimes a perpetrator first sees the childs physical attributes and targets the child in other ways. Other times perpetrators target a child simply out of convenience. It isn't far fetched for multiple people to see a child in need and to take advantage of that need, or simply that vulnerability or quietness.

Other times it may be because the perpetrators, even if they are not in allegiance, know of eachother, and suspect eachothers activities. Remember that sometimes also paedophiles operate in subtle groups, and unless directly told there is no way for a child to know that they are operating together, until it becomes more obvious.

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#297079 - 07/27/09 09:33 PM Re: A QUESTION ON BEING ABUSED BY MORE THAN 1 PERP? [Re: friendinneed]
JDV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/05
Posts: 311
Shaun,

I said the below in a discussion of this very same question. I had four abusers and still imagine I had a sign on my forehead that said "please abuse me" but I think the below is probably more likely than me having a sign... though perhaps less easy to deal with:

"The more we were abused the more damage was done to our boundaries. That is, we were taught not to have boundries or that our boundaries didn't matter. The next perp was able to exploit that existing vulnerability. In doing so, they created even deeper boundary problems for us. It wasn't our fault, but we may have been especially appealing to the subsequent perps because they sensed our vulnerability.

I think on MS "boundary issues" carries a negative conotation. But in this context, I think it's an accurate de>
_________________________
-- Sent from mobile device --
My Story Parts One, Two and Three of Four

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#297183 - 07/28/09 06:11 PM Re: A QUESTION ON BEING ABUSED BY MORE THAN 1 PERP? [Re: Survivinguy]
friendinneed Offline


Registered: 06/04/09
Posts: 107
Thank you for your two cents much appreciated. I have gathered then from all the replies that I am unfortunately not in some rare species where this just seemed to happen to me. I feel that it is like you say-unnerving that they is this radar thing out there.

Peace my friend,
Shaun


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#297184 - 07/28/09 06:17 PM Re: A QUESTION ON BEING ABUSED BY MORE THAN 1 PERP? [Re: king tut]
friendinneed Offline


Registered: 06/04/09
Posts: 107
Thank you very much. I had not considered this and it was very reassuring to hear. It I guess is hard as the adult survivor living today to make sense of the dynamics which took place back then. I have to for instance remember then was not today. Then did not have laws, trained professionals or a permissive and accepting society to support me coming forward much of my re-victimazation was influenced by this. As well as the points you helpfully provided.

Thank you very much for your feedback.

Peace my friend,
Shaun


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#297185 - 07/28/09 06:25 PM Re: A QUESTION ON BEING ABUSED BY MORE THAN 1 PERP? [Re: JDV]
friendinneed Offline


Registered: 06/04/09
Posts: 107
Jamie,

Thank you for that powerful feedback it helps to clarify things for me. I think you are right on the money so to speak with the boundary issue. I klnow that I had no boundaries as a child of neglect, physical, emotional abuse with sexual undertones to the ritualistic aspects of the physical abuse at home. Home was not a safe place. So I stayed away from home. I was a lonely kid desperate for attention. I was an open and easy target and as you said after the first perp and abuse the acts became in a sense "the price" to get my emotional and psychological needs met. I was exploited in the trust department as much as you say in the sexual molestation abuse department.

It explains a lot why it is the sense of hurt and betrayal at being tossed aside by the perps once they got what they wanted from me that has damaged me as well as the sexual trauma, abuse.

Thank you so much for your feedback.

Peace my friend.
Shaun


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#297186 - 07/28/09 06:38 PM Re: A QUESTION ON BEING ABUSED BY MORE THAN 1 PERP? [Re: friendinneed]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Shaun,

When abusers in prison or mandatory therapy are asked why they abused a particular boy, the answer they most often give is that the boy was accessible to them. Beyond that, there is probably the factor that a boy who is already being hurt may feel that his needs won't be met if he asks for help, that he will be blamed if he tells, that he doesn't deserve for good things to happen in his life, that he isn't worth better treatment, and so on. So my thought here is that an abuser with access to several boys would probably zero in on the one who strikes him as the most vulnerable target.

But what we need to keep telling ourselves is that it cannot ever be the boy's fault if the acts of one abuser set him him up for further victimization by others. All this is still the fault of the abusers, even if, naturally enough, the boy feels like an "abuse magnet" and wonders if something about him is attracting the attention of predators.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#297197 - 07/28/09 08:27 PM Re: A QUESTION ON BEING ABUSED BY MORE THAN 1 PERP? [Re: roadrunner]
Hopeful1 Offline


Registered: 07/22/09
Posts: 18
Loc: Pacific Northwest
In junior high I was picked on a lot. One kid told me flat out that he picked on me because he knew I wouldn't fight back. I've crossed paths with more than one person like that since then.

I am constantly afraid that I'm going to do something wrong which will trigger some unknown traumatic event. I am trying to work through this fear by doing as Larry said, telling myself that I didn't make so and so from my past do whatever they did. It wasn't anything I did that caused it. They may have seen someone who wouldn't fight back, but they chose their behavior because that's who they were. Nothing I did triggered it.

_________________________
Now hope that is seen is not hope, For who hopes for what he sees? (Rom. 8:24)

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#297217 - 07/28/09 10:44 PM Re: A QUESTION ON BEING ABUSED BY MORE THAN 1 PERP? [Re: friendinneed]
Casmir213 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/09
Posts: 845
Loc: Northeast, USA
Shaun,

I just wanted to chime in here because I think I detect a slight self-blaming on your part. When you talk about having a sign on you as a child that said "Hey vulnerable child here, use as you like" it sounds like you think (now as an adult) that you were actually inviting people to come along and abuse you when you were a child. It seems like you're looking back at that little child and seeing him as someone who was "asking" for more abuse. Can you see how this could be viewed as self-blaming?

You do recognize that you were craving attention as a child, and that there was a huge void in your life as a result of not getting that attention that all children need and deserve to have. I would just like to add that there is a huge difference between "craving attention" and "inviting abuse". I hope you can see the very important distinction. There are all kinds of non-abusive ways that a healthy adult can choose from to show an attention craving child that they are cared about, in order to have the message conveyed to them that they are of value. I recognize, however, that abusers are far from being healthy adults.

If it is the case that you are blaming yourself, and that it has something to do with you having been an attention craving child in the first place, then this points back to your parental upbringing, as you may already recognized. You see that your attention craving as a child stems from your nuclear family and how you were not given enough positive attention from your parents. Here is where the child will naturally blame him or herself for their parents neglect and abuse of them. I've read again and again from experienced and knowledgeable sources how a child will always self-blame for a parent's maltreatment of them. I think it is part of recovery to acknowledge as adults that it is a child's reasoning that comes to that inevitable conclusion that it is the child's fault they were abused or neglected in some way.

My best to you in your recovery,

Rocco

_________________________
I see recovery as a lifelong journey rather than a final destination, a journey, though, which can have many successes along the way.

WoR Alumnus - Hope Springs, OH, October 2009

My avatar is the farmhouse at the Hope Spring, OH WoR. It's a nice place.

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#297241 - 07/29/09 12:56 AM Re: A QUESTION ON BEING ABUSED BY MORE THAN 1 PERP? [Re: friendinneed]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2433
Loc: TEXAS
Hi Shaun.

From the best that I can remember, I had about six that I can remember.
First and foremost was my "mother", sexually, emotionally, physically and mentally. Didn't recollect a father at all.
So this "friend" of the family, who had already known about what I was going through with my "mom". Got me in his confidence about loving and caring for me, when nobody else ever did. So in his eyes I was the "perfect victim" easy prey as I was looking for love and someone who cared for me. And he did. And he made me feel secure. I never was ashamed or scared of him.
But being that I never wanted to be home, I was riding the Boston subways, and again here is a young boy all alone and I was approached by these men who were working for the subway system, they got me to go with them, I knew what they wanted me for and I went willingly. I did not holler, I did not try and run away and I didn't fight. But with them I was afraid, when they finished with me they gave me 50 cents for my troubles. Then and only then did I ever feel ashamed and scared. Infact I threw away the 50 cents in shame.

Yes, the price that I have paid for making my Ralph, give me pleasure, making me like it, wanting it and instigating it. Because I thought that he loved me.
Was my very soul.

Heal well my brother/friend, Shaun. Heal well.

Little Pete & big Pete. But 1 (Irishmoose)

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunlight forever into eternity"



Edited by petercorbett (07/29/09 01:01 AM)
Edit Reason: forgot a line.
_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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