WARNING GRAPHIC IMAGERY
For the last two years I've sat in a church basement and given the same introduction: My name is John and I'm a sex addict. It took me a long time (27 years to be exact) to realize that I was an addict...it nearly cost me my marriage, my career and my life. It wasn't until I started hearing the First Steps of my brother and sister addicts that I realized where and how my addiction started.
I had always written my first experiences off as "childhood experimentation" but my therapist made me realize that it was actually CSA and it was where my addiction begain:
As a kid I was much younger than everyone in the neighborhood. I played mostly with older kids. When I was 9 I spent most of my time with two sisters, D(14) and J(12). Shortly after my ninth birthday we were alone in a shed at their house. D asked if I had ever masturbated. I didn't even know what she meant. She told me it felt good, that all boys did it, and she would teach me how, but we had to get undressed. The three of us undressed and naturally I became aroused. I was embarassed, but D told me it was normal for boys to get hard when they saw girls naked. She told me to lay down and she would teach me how to masturbate. She spit on my penis and masturbated me, explaining to me and J what she was doing. It felt good to me. After a while she stopped and J took her place. She leaned over me and had me lick and suck her nipples. When I had an orgasm I was scared. I thought that J had broken something, until D explained that's what was supposed to happen, and when I got older that sperm would come out. Things progressed quickly. D taught me how to masturbate her and J, then used her mother's vibrator on herself to show me how she and her boyfriend had sex. Within a few months she taught me how to perform oral sex on them. I enjoyed it for the first two years. I loved seeing them naked, I loved the way their hands felt on me, I even loved giving them oral sex. When I turned 11 (D was now 16 and J was 14) they began to get rougher. Sometimes one would hold my hands while the other mastubated me and they would continue stimulating me until it became painful and I had to beg them to stop. Soon I had to agree to let them do something else in exchange for stopping...let them put their fingers in me, make me lick their anus, put my finger in myself while they watched...things that I found embarassing. D had always told me that I was too young for her to give me oral sex so I was excited when I finally hit puberty at 12. I was heartbroken when they stopped having any contact with me, because now I was too old to "mess around" like a kid.
After my experiences with D and J I became overly sexual. I always looked at this as more experimentation, especially because I was intitially a willing participan, but my therapist helped me see that it was actually statutory rape, and my first addictive acting out:
After D and J stopped playing with me I became obsessed with masturbation. I would masturbate four or five times a day. I was dying to find out how it felt to recieve oral sex, maybe even actually have sex. I was shy, and had no idea how to act around girls. When I was 13 I heard some older guys on the baseball team talk about how "old pervs" came to the park at night and gave people blow jobs in the restrooms. I snuck out of my house one night late and went to the park. I sat on a bench near the restroom and waited. A man in his fifties walked out of the woods and sat next to me on the bench. He said it was awfully late for me to be in the park. I was too nervous to speak. He asked if I was looking for fun. I kind of shrugged and he laughed. He asked if I was looking for a blowjob. I just nodded. He told me that cops came to the park a lot at night and we could get in trouble...but he lived just on the other side of the woods. I could watch some porn and he would give me a blowjob. I was nervous...and I knew I shouldn't go...but I followed him. As we walked to his house he asked if I had ever gotten a blowjob before. I told him I hadn't. He asked if I had a girlfriend. I told him no, but I wanted one. He said that getting a bj from him would be just like a girl, so not to worry.
Once we got to his house he put a porn on the TV. I had never seen porn before, and soon I was aroused. He had unzipped his shorts and was masturbating. He slid his hand into my shorts and wrapped it around me. It felt good. He asked how old I was. I told him 13. He pulled his hand out and turned off the TV. He told me that was too bad...he could get in too much trouble for giving a 13 year old a blow job. I told him I wouldn't tell anyone. He said it was too risky, and it was too bad because he was really horny. I asked how old I would have to be. He said 18. I told him I couldn't wait that long. He told me that if a 17 year got naked and was hard, because that would show the 17 year old wanted it then he could touch him. So...I pulled my shorts down and told him I was 17. He laughed and turned the porn back on. He said I would have to get hard again, so I self consciously stroked myself. He took my shirt off and told me to lay down on the floor. His hands were all over me. I had no body hair...barely any pubic hair...he told me that I looked so smooth and sexy that he couldn't stand it. He pushed my knees apart and knelt between them. He told me to put my hands behind my head. He laid on top of me...I could feel his erection pressed against mine. He tried to kiss me and I turned my head away. He laughed. He got back up on his knees and rubbed his erection on mine. I was nervous...scared...but somehow felt powerful, that touching me was having this effect on him. He took me in his mouth and it lasted less than ten seconds before I ejaculated. He told me that the first time was always quick, but I tasted so good he wanted to do it again. He asked if I wanted him to fuck me, I told him no, he asked if I wanted to suck him, I told him no. He laughed and asked how I was going to make him cum. He had me sit on the sofa again, and pulled my hips to the edge. He rubbed my buttocks and begged to fuck me, told me he would be gentle. I was scared but told him no. He told me that he wanted to see me cum again, so I masturbated while he watched. He took my hand and put it on his penis. I had never touched another man that way. He asked if I liked it. I shrugged my shoulders. He began to stroke me...which I did like. Eventually he ejaculated onto my stomach and he continued stroking me until I had an orgasm. He wanted me to stay but I told him I had to leave. I got dressed and went home.
No ambiguity here...when I was 19 I was raped by another man in New York City.
When I was 19 I was in NYC going to some clubs. A guy in his 40's bought me a drink (rum and coke...still remember that like it was yesterday, the very smell of rum makes me sick to my stomach now). We talked about the baseball game on TV, had another couple of drinks and I started to feel dizzy. I don't remember leaving, I definitely don't remember leaving with him. I woke up around midnight in bed with him. We were both naked. I was on my back and he was stroking my penis . I told him I wasn't gay and didn't want to do anything with him. He told me that I would like it and not to worry, he would make me feel good. I tried to get up but he pushed me down. I fell asleep or passed out and woke up about an hour later. He was stroking me again and I was hard . He put my hand on his penis and I pulled it away. He rolled over so he was lying across me. He cupped my testicles in his hand and started to squeeze . It hurt like hell. I could feel his penis on my hip . He told me he would hurt me if I didn't relax. I thought if I cooperated a little I could avoid anything really bad happening. So, I let him put my hand back For about 20 minutes we just laid there stroking each other. I wouldn't even open my eyes...hoping he would get bored and let me leave. I fell asleep again. When I woke up he was between my legs and he was sucking me. I told him again I wasn't gay and asked him to stop. He told me that if I didn't like it I wouldn't be so hard. He got over me so his penis was over my face. He wasn't hard yet. He told me to play with it. I did, when he got hard he told me to suck it. I refused, until he began to tug on my testicles again and told me not to be a cock tease. I let him put it in my mouth and he basically (there's no way to put this delicately) fucked my mouth until he ejaculated. I tried to get my hands around him, to keep him from pushing so deep. I gagged everytime he pushed it in. He stayed on top of me and kept sucking me. I begged him to stop, I tried not to have an orgasm, but eventually I ejaculated in his mouth. He asked if I liked it, asked if he was the best I had ever had. I just told him yes, hoping that he would stop. I hoped that would be enough and I could leave. I went to sleep again. When I woke up he was kneeling between my legs. It was about four a.m. He was stroking himself with one hand and me with the other. We were both hard. He made me roll over. He laid on top of me and slid his penis up and down my buttocks. He kept telling me how good it would it was going to feel to fuck me, how tight I was going to be. When he tried to push it inside of me I clenched as tight as I could. It hurt like hell but I kept resisting. He stopped and I thought that I was going to be able to avoid being anally raped. Instead he put vaseline on his fingers and pushed two inside of me. He tried to push a third in. He told me he would use a beer bottle on me next, then his fist if I didn't let him fuck me. He said the harder I fought the more it would hurt. He made me get on my hands and knees. He told me to beg him to fuck me. I'm ashamed that I begged him to do it, just so he wouldn't hurt me. It hurt a lot when he pushed himself inside. He started slowly and made me stroke myself. If I lost my erection he would stop until I made myself hard again. It took him half an hour to ejaculate inside of me. I'll never forget how disgusted I was to feel his semen dripping down my leg. He made me masturbate while he was still inside of me until I ejaculated onto the sheets. He made me roll over and put his penis in my mouth again. I passed out again. I woke up at around 7. He was on top of me, rubbing his penis on mine until he was hard. He stood up and made me kneel on the floor and suck him. He told me not to make him cum because he thought he could only do it once more. I'm embarrassed by this...but I tried to make him cum in my mouth because I didn't want him to rape me anally again. It didn't work. He made me lie on my back and hold my knees to my chest. He put his penis in me again. It took forever for him to have an orgasm. Every time he got close he would stop and just stroke me. He kept asking if it felt good. He stroked me until I had an orgasm. My semen was all over me. He sodomized me some more, then masturbated and ejaculated onto my penis. I was disgusted. He got over me again, straddling my face. He made me suck him but he couldn't get hard. He sucked me and put his fingers in me. He couldn't get hard again. He told me that he wouldn't be able to make me feel good again that day. Thatís actually how he put it...he couldn't make me feel good again. I asked if I could use the bathroom. He came in with me. When I sat on the toilet he stood in front of me, told me to spread my legs. I'll never forget him peeing onto my stomach and my genitals. I got in the shower and he took He got in with me, made me kneel and give him oral sex again. He couldn't get hard, so he urinated on me again. He made me bend over and he sodomized me with his fingers and tugged on my penis and testicles. When we got out of the shower his hands were all over me as I got dressed. He was telling me how much he enjoyed it and starting asking when I was going to be in NY again so we could get together. I just lost it. I told him he raped me, I was going to call the police. He laughed at me. He told me that I loved it, I lead him on, that I was hard the whole time, that I came more times than he did. He told me that my semen was all over his sheets. He told me if I went to the police he'd just give them his sheets, tell them that he picked me up and I tried to get more money out of him, that I was just a hustler. I never reported it. Until a year ago I never even told anyone.
Those three incidents are at the roots of my sex addiction. For 27 years I acted out...seeking attention from women, trying to recreate my rape with me "in charge" through BDSM, acting out with prostitutes and swingers, more porn than you can imagine. I could never understand why I felt more dead inside after acting out than I did before.
Thanks to my therapist and SAA I'm now able to think rationally about my addiction and what got me there, and I've been sober for 379 days today. I've even let go of my resentment towards D and J and the man in the park. The rapist? Not so much...probably not in this lifetime.
Edited by ModTeam (07/24/09 04:11 PM)