Here latly I cant even have a talk with my wife without it bring some feeling that Im not use to feeling up and I end a total basket case for the couple of days. She says one thing I take it another, I know she's not tring to be hurtful but it still hurts non the less. I love her so much Im scared that I'm pushing her away and not being understanding to her needs. Then when I do fall apart she feels guilty for saying what ever she said at the time. Which makes me feel guilty for taking it the wrong way. I do tell her when what she says hurt me, it just makes me feel so bad becouse thats not what she meant to do to me. I mean we are husband and wife, how can we manage the marrage if we cant even talk with out me falling apart on her. I just wish I could hold it together, my feelings are all jumbled up and I dont even know what Im feeling, everything, nothing, anger, hurt, guilt, pain, sad, yes and no.....I just dont what Im feeling.....Im not used to dealing with feeling anything......Ok thats my rant for the day........

James
Keep talking, have no secrets. Hugs are good.
Lot's of hugs.
Be cool, Lloydy

Just so you know Joker, I'm going thru alot of the same. My 9 year old son made his First Eucharist and was confirmed in the RC church today by the Bishop. The same Bishop who could give a shit about any of us survivors. My pastor had to whisper to the Bishop, of course, who I was when I met him. He did not formally introduce me however. MORE FUCKING SECRETS, FEAR OF CONFRONTATION. And then the Bishop had the nerve to quote from Gospel, to my son, family, friends and all of 1000 people in attendance: " Christ said to his disciples, leave the children alone, let them come to me" I started shaking like a leaf before a hurricane. But my wife put her arm on my knee, got me grounded and back to reality I was. Then she asked me if I am OK. And I realized, that yes, I am OK. It's the rest of the fucking world that is not OK. The bishop, the pastor, the deacon, the whole God-Damned Church is not OK. But me, I am strong, and I am ok, and I will be OK, and my kids will be OK, and my wife is OK. Me and God, Christ, we are OK. It's not even God's or Jesus's fault this happened. Satan and the Church, however, they are not OK, and are not on path toward healing, like we are. So I will not take anything personally anymore, I will not make assumptions, I will be impeccable with my words, and I will always do my best. Thanks for listening....

James and Orodo,

I understand what you guys are feeling. I am at the same place right now myself. How can I handle feeling anything when for so long I have felt nothing, my wife has no idea what to say to me becuase my reactions are all ove the board.

If I figure it out I promist to tell you guys the secret if you do the same for me.

Ken

Hi James. Can you get away for awhile? Maybe camp out somewhere,go fishing,etc? Two things kept me alive. First was getting away from civilization (and people including those closest to me) if even for a few hours. Second was developing a deep sense of humor. I used to ask "Okay God. How much worse can it get?" and sure as heck something worse would happen to me. Then I'd say "That was a good one,God". And I swear I could hear God laughing. God and I got along just fine.

Thanks guys...Im realy tring hard to get a grip some days better than others...lol....but coming here seems to help. Thanks again...

I also say thanks to you guys. Each day I read the new posts - both from the straight and gay guys. It does help!!! But there are so few new posts and then the day fast becomes the pits. I don't know what I would do or have without this computer that was given to me. Just yesterday I said in an e-mail to my counselor that going to the group meeting each week is fast getting "old hat." There is NOTHING new. I want to work to take up the time, but part-time jobs for the disabled are few and far to come by. I am trying, but as I also said in my e-mail this a.m. to my counselor, I do not know how long this can continue. Bos

I hate being fucked up and feeling unhappy most of the time...I did have some real fun at times...dancing around a big fire..high on pot, beer and LSD...with other motor cycle gang members...on Mother's Day! I was a Mother than...Mothers to a MC are like VP's to a large Co. ...lots of them...2th's in command. Mother's Day freaks me out now...Gone are the days of LSD and roses..I still have some roses...24 tatooed from my right elbow to my neck...but I'm too nuts to ride a cycle any more...do ride my ATV. My mother had a stroke before I was born and was only half alive..in brain and body. When I came to her after being raped for the first time at 11yo...she could not deal with it and told me that it was a boy's thing..told me to go to bed and talk to my father later...he told me that I had planed it and wanted it???? I think that Out Law Motor Cycle Gang Mothers are a lot cooler and should be remembered on Mother's Day Tooooooooo!!!!!!!!...Angels with leather wings!!!!!!!

Eddie

Sorry wanted to add this to Mother's Day!

[ May 14, 2002: Message edited by: getteddie ]

James'
Being a total basket case is my thing...can't shake it and recover like lots of the guys here...I've been going nuts for almost 2 years now from flashbacks of the abuse and recovered memories. I hate taking it out on my wife but can't stop...she is finilly falling apart from it. I feel that she is starting to hate me...wants me to do something about it..I go weeky to a blowy therapist and see all kinds of doctors...all that I can think of doing is to run off or top myself...2 years..why can't I get over it???? I would love to get away...camping in the woods, by myself...like Tinfoil said but no one will let me...Wife and Pdocs think I will off myself if alone..I don't think so...it would be like airing my brains out! At a time like this..Who is better off??? Someone who lives alone and can do what he wants or someone with a wife...seems like lots of male SA servivors end up loseing their wives and kids anyway...LIKE WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE??????????

Eddie

Hi getteddie. If you snuff yourself,they win. I layed back on my bed once. Opened my mouth,thumbed back the hammer on my Walther PPK .380 loaded with Winchester Silvertip hollowpoints,put the barrel into my mouth. I thought "I look like an idiot" than positioned the barrel in relationship to the area of my brain I wished to target for destruction. Now there's a problem. Left lobe or right lobe? I had spent years developing hypervelocity handloaded cartridges. Most were takeoffs on the 60s Keith-type projectiles in combination with #2400 powder. Corbon ammo was many years in the future. So were +p and +p+. At the time I was really into the new Gyrojet rocket cartridge being tested in Nam among Special Forces. So I'm laying there finger on the trigger thinking all this and it occured to me that this scene was totally ridiculous. Left to my own devices I would've used a S&W Model 29 8 3/8" .44 Magnum and a nylon projectile,cartridge loaded with Bullseye powder. Maybe Unique. I could've easily exceeded 5,000fps (feet per second) velocity and impact tissue destruction that would've vaporized my entire head. But I fretted about the Afterlife. What if my soul goes somewhere and what if there's sex there? Like you think I'd score with no head?
And that's when I got really pissed off. It's bad enough dying. But to die ugly and have to look like that thruout Eternity,well I won't do it. Those people who'd applaud my death can jolly well suck the nodules from my ass. I figured I'll hang around forever. Outlive them all. That's the BEST way to piss off your enemies!