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#296427 - 07/22/09 06:18 PM Just Plain Confused, Fusterated
CPeterson Offline
New Here

Registered: 12/08/07
Posts: 2
Loc: ND
Don't know where else to put this...

I was abused sexually by my step-brothers and couple strangers when I was young. My dad was and isn't in my life. He comes and goes all the time. When he is in my life, he stirs trouble between my sister and I and leaves for length of time. My step-father whom I known since 1st grade was abusive, his kids sexually molested me, he himself had abused me.

I'm 32 years old and living with fusteration that I never in my life have had a good father figure in my life. My dad was never there when I needed him to teach me how to shave, sex talks, man advice (whatever that is). I reciently had bought a home and have great neighbors that take care of each other. I have noticed on how they interact with their kids, how they play, talk and do things with each other.

It bothers me..................

From when I was young I would look at older men and see how they interact with the family, kids and such and wished they were my dad. Even now that I moved and bought a new home I notice even more in watching, and being invited over for barbaques. I find myself just wishing that they were my dad, that I could have a relationship with my father in that way. In which, I know will never happen.

When I bought my first home, my neighbors have helped me with repairs and other things around the home. It has been a great learning experience. Although, some of the things should have been taught by my dad, which just pisses me off.

I just went back to therapy and bought this up to my therapist and told him that the men in my life had done nothing but harm in my life. Never taught me a damn thing about being a man.

What he had told me was that I have to be a parent to myself and teach myself the things that my father never taught me.

I just sit back just wanting a dad.

All my life also, I have been confused about my sexuality if I'm gay or not. I look toward older men. I just don't know.

I just want to fit in life and to belong and I just don't. I'm hurting inside and really confused and fusterated.

Is there something wrong with me, or am I just screwed up?


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#296441 - 07/22/09 08:32 PM Re: Just Plain Confused, Fusterated [Re: CPeterson]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Funny, because I had many just friendly relationships with guys who were much older than I was over time too. My dad was an often angry guy who it seemed greatly enjoy trying to put me down and make me out to be stupid. Often when he didn't get his way sooner or later he was good with his fists too. Both of my sisters and I all had to draw a line in the sand with dad, and take steps to protect ourselves. And eventually, after enduring over 40 years of dad's emotional outbursts, my mother left him too.

I got lucky myself. My mom then met and married a guy who was really good at welcoming people and making them feel right at home. He was recognized by his former employer for always helping to build people under his direction up when he retired. My stepdad had many, many people who would say the best things about him, and who would bend over backwards to help him if he needed help. My stepdad's caring and understanding manner was really helpful to me in my recovery.

I don't think, given what you have said about your father and stepfather, that your attempting to replace your father with older guys whom you admire is terribly unusual. Isn't it great when some older guy or parent's age treats us better than we ever got treated at home, or even treats us like a member of his own family? It is a great tenant to hope to emulate.

Ken Singer wrote a piece on the sexual identity forum back in April from his new book about possibly being attracted to guys and a few other issues. The original poster was Lynchmob and it was later in April if my memory serves me right. If you get a chance why don't you see if you can find the topic, or maybe I'll look for it and send you the link.

Welcome back, hope to see more of you soon,

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#296444 - 07/22/09 08:46 PM Re: Just Plain Confused, Fusterated [Re: CPeterson]
Alidade Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/17/09
Posts: 56
Loc: Houston, Texas
There's nothing wrong with you that can't be overcome.

I had a distant relationship with my father too. I never experienced the rites of passage that a lot of boys have with their fathers.

I was never taught to shave, and my mother forced my father to teach us to clean a fish. I used to repair flats on my bike by myself.

My father bought my brother and I a basketball goal one year for Christmas and it sat in the garage where it rotted because he never put it up, even though we begged him to.

He used to beat us with a belt on a regular basis. Most of the time he wasn't even home when the bad act was done. My mother would send us to our rooms to wait for him to get home from work then he would beat us with his belt.

He never told me he was proud of me and he never told me I had become a man. I don't even think of him much as my father. He stopped talking to me for ten years when I disclosed to him I am gay.

But I have come to learn I am a man just the same, whether I had that closure or not, it's here. I now know the things he never taught me. Most of them anyway, I still have trouble with ties but I can find that answer on the internet.

I no longer need his advice and you don't either. Being a man isn't about those little things anyway. It's about having responsibility for your actions and finding your purpose in life. Your father can't find that for you.

_________________________
I want to run
I want to hide
I want to tear down the walls
That hold me inside
Bono (U2) - 1987

Do what you love and love will find you. - Me (21 June 09)

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