I ran as far away from my gender as I could to escape from the pain of my rape..... I wonder if anyone else has had this kind of struggle.
At the age of four I completely disassociated from my gender and decided that from then on I would be a girl - girls we coddled and appreciated, but more importantly they were cared for. At least that was my experience in a very closed and isolated universe.
I grew up in a boys body but having no relationship to the genitalia that went with that body - I did boy things solely because it was expected of me and that it made life easier for me all the while believing that deep down inside of me, I was a girl.
At fourteen I was able to escape my 'home'. I went as far away from Sudbury as I could get - Vancouver, my heaven. There I immedieatly became socially the girl that I knew that I was. I was she for fourteen years - until she slowly began to kill me to suffocate the life out me, the very life that I thought that I found in her and through her.
After hiding behind the image of her for so many years, I realized one day that I could now function as an adult without the mask of her and I simply left her behind and then walked, shakily, into maleness and ultimate manhood.
It was and still is many ways a tremendous struggle to make my peace with my anatomy and what it represents, but I would not go back or change this for anything.
This is a do-able process - one very small and slow step forward at a time.