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#295093 - 07/12/09 10:45 PM Not feeling Safe, or In Control
KENKEN Offline

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
I have taken some time off from this site. Seems for some time I felt I had achieved so much on my road to recovery that I "moved on". I knew that I was never going to be "normal" or that I could wipe out what my perp. brother did to me. I was at a place in my life though, where I was OK with who I am/was. I felt some Peace in my soul. My CSA was no longer my secret. I was forced because of my constant nightmares to accept and ask for help. I knew I had to come to Peace for myself with my sexuality. I knew I could not continue my path of destruction. I knew I wanted life more than death.

Now going on 3 years since I disclosed my CSA, I realize there is still so much work for me to do. I feel at times the constant haunting of my past is becoming a burden on my present. I yearn for my siblings who have abandoned me. I yearn for the truth from my perp. brother as to why he used me as his sex object. I yearn for answers to all my unanswered questions.

And most of all I yearn for the ability to feel SAFE and in CONTROL of my emotional and spititual life. So many times recently I feel so lost. I feel Lost within my Soul. The desire and the determination I once had is not there any more. I feel I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but my foot steps have stoped and the push I need I cannot find. I feel I need focus, but its not there.

I am struggeling with the feeling of not being in control and feeling safe.

Thanks for listening.



From the Movie: Antwone Fisher


#295094 - 07/12/09 10:57 PM Re: Not feeling Safe, or In Control [Re: KENKEN]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2591
I hear you Ken.

Only thing I can't think to offer is that perhaps this is one of those times on our journey where we need to stop and take a breather. Take the time we need to inhale and just feel. To gain the strength to pick up the pace again and continue to move forward?

I often feel lost within myself. Some days I have no clue what's going on or why I'm feeling the way I happen to be feeling at the time.

As my T says. Some days rather than figure out why, I need to just sit with what I'm feeling, and just feel it.

You're ok. It's ok. When the moment is right, you'll find that push again and keep moving foward.

#295113 - 07/13/09 01:08 AM Re: Not feeling Safe, or In Control [Re: KENKEN]
mogigo Offline

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Now going on 3 years since I disclosed my CSA, I realize there is still so much work for me to do

And now that you've realized this Ken, what is your answer to yourself?

I think Scott hits the nail on the head, exhaustion can hit us all and we need to just take that breather. Mine was imposed upon me, not my choice, but I think it made such a difference.

Relax and regroup. What are the steps I've taken and where do I want to go from here? Aren't we all a little impatient?

In my experience, I quit something unless I get that quick answer. I couldn't imagine giving up all the progress I've made now that I've had a chance to recharge.

Just me Ken.

Stay strong


#295179 - 07/13/09 05:49 PM Re: Not feeling Safe, or In Control [Re: mogigo]
Shadow+Walker Offline

Registered: 04/16/09
Posts: 287
Loc: desolate foggy nights, USA
Thanks for sharing this experience with us. I hear what you're saying & I can relate in SO many ways.


For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, love and self discipline. (St Paul, 2Timothy 1:7) NIV

Check out a cool song by a hot band..."Unbreakable" by Fireflight: official video at


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