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#295005 - 07/12/09 03:21 AM Fantasizing To Be Straight (Trigger, Warning)
Charlie24 Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
Guys I've come to a realization about myself.

I've discussed this several times and have made it pretty clear I'm struggling with my sexuality.

When I tell people that they say well who are you attracted too, guys or girls.

I say I don't know. I really don't know freaking know.

My fantasies are involving often me wanting to be a guy who is good looking, confident, attractive and is being pursued by the opposite sex.

For the longest time I used to just want to be straight, think I need to be straight.

I would even ask God to make me straight, pretty desperate I know.

When I think about if I were gay, I could enjoy the companionship of another male, but no no for sex.

I've been told and read that as males grow and develop they need other males in their life to just help them develop, grow, become a healthy male.

Since my abuse haven't had anyone care for me, want to be my friend.

I wonder if I'm seeking that abuse love I got from the pervert who fucked me up so bad.

I don't know why if I think I were straight everything would magically fall into place.

I do want children some day. In the last few months have considered adoption, cause I would like to raise a kid.

Would love a partner involved.

If there is such a thing as a soul mate would love to find one.

I don't like the fact that people feel the need to define others by their sexuality, why is it everyone's business, when does it become everyone's business.

Maybe my plan doesn't include the white picket fence, just not too sure.

I think about being alone.

I currently live alone. While for the most part I don't mind being a loner, been one for so long kinda used to it I do get lonely, is that desperation for wanting to have someone else in my life, maybe.

I really wonder and have brought this up before, so excuse me for beating a dead horse, if I will ever figure things out.

I just sometimes feel like I will never be sure of anything or things in my life. That isn't good.

Indecisiveness isn't healthy, gotta make decisions and move on with life.

I often will see both sides of an issue but then get stuck on which way to go.

Still can't figure out why I have this desire to be straight.

I could be asexual for all I know. Don't really wanna be that, but I've been told that can and has happened to survivors.

The idea though that being heterosexual will solve my problems and poof make a big cloud appear and just make everything better is preposterous.

It won't solve my problems, just make me long for the grass on the other side of the fence.


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#295008 - 07/12/09 06:06 AM Re: Fantasizing To Be Straight (Trigger, Warning) [Re: Charlie24]
jason1991 Offline


Registered: 06/19/09
Posts: 41
Loc: Riverside, CA
Hi Charlie,

I know what you mean I have (had) a girl friend and I'm engaged to her but there is so much fucking problems in my mind due to the pleasure I received from men a few years back I had to withdrawl from the closeness with her for a while as I sort this shit out in my head. I want to love her and live a dedicated straight life but I learned three things in my twenty years on this earth...

(1) to my own self be true
(2) treat people the way I want to be treated
(3) honesty is the best policy.

I have my ups and down and maybe I will or wont marry my girl friend; maybe not. I don't know because we are on ice to see how it goes. I want her to be happy and if my shit stands in her way I will totally let her go maybe another girl or even a man if I can't get through this. I just know that the love of another man wouldn't be the end of the world for me. I hope my rambling is somewhat ok to you and maybe even a little helpful. I just know that having a girlfriend doesn't make me straight. It doesn't take away the lust deep in my mind for man and that is why I told her we had to quit for a spell. Take care and talk to you later dude

Jason


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#295012 - 07/12/09 08:08 AM Re: Fantasizing To Be Straight (Trigger, Warning) [Re: jason1991]
b869 Offline


Registered: 01/26/09
Posts: 767
Loc: Philippines
Charlie,

I have the same problem Charlie.

I wish I would know what to say. but I just wanna say I'm here for you Bud. smile


Marvin

_________________________

When thing get complicated go back to simplicity

Harvey Fierstein
Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.

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#295015 - 07/12/09 10:24 AM Re: Fantasizing To Be Straight (Trigger, Warning) [Re: Charlie24]
myboyhoodfears Offline


Registered: 03/13/09
Posts: 457
.



Edited by myboyhoodfears (08/31/09 12:20 PM)
_________________________
Post Nubilia Pheobus

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#295028 - 07/12/09 12:52 PM Re: Fantasizing To Be Straight (Trigger, Warning) [Re: myboyhoodfears]
brother2none Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/30/09
Posts: 267
Loc: Undisclosed
Charlie, I hear alot of indecision from you, and while that is fine, I also hear you saying you want to move forward and that is going to require contact with others, whether guy or girl, and this is how I have found myself, when in contact with another through a relationship, it's like a mirror to yourself.


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#295054 - 07/12/09 06:02 PM Re: Fantasizing To Be Straight (Trigger, Warning) [Re: brother2none]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2590
Maybe a change in focus? Sounds like perhaps you're looking at healing but through the lens of a "defined sexuality"?

Maybe just look at healing and as you do move forward in that the rest will fall into place?

I know for me I spent a long time wondering, going back and forth. Even after being married for quite a few years.

I've come to a place where I've realized that my desires are for my wife. I don't want to use the word "straight" because I think the whole label, and label's defining a person is stupid as well.

We're sexual. We're all sexual in one way or another. That's the basis of the whole issue. Even those who say they're "Asexual" is that still not some form of sexuality?

I know for me I had little interaction with my father. I was on the outside of the "normal" group of boys growing up, which I think did have a lot to do with the abuse. I never really formed any "close" male relationships, which is very very important for boys.

As such, I have a huge gaping hole in my heart for that need to filled. Combine that with the first and long lasting interactions that I did have with other males... and is it any wonder that I struggled for so long? I'll be honest, even though I know where I stand now, when I'm feeling really down and alone and isolated and the weight of that hole inside me really pulls me down, I really want to be close to a man and automatically my body puts the needs in line with sexual desire, even though for me, I can easily see that what I really want and need is that closeness that I was denied as a child.

Sometimes I think the whole Gay/Straight issue just clouds the waters and makes our healing just all that more difficult and confusing.

Like I mentioned earlier, I think as you heal and move forward, those issues will become clearer and it'll be easier to see.



Edited by JustScott (07/12/09 06:05 PM)

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#295056 - 07/12/09 06:18 PM Re: Fantasizing To Be Straight (Trigger, Warning) [Re: JustScott]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Charlie,

As I stated to you before.
As a young man in his earlier twenties you are in the middle of finding out who you are going to be. Then add the fact that you are a csas survivor. It just muddles up the issues you are addressing all the more. My only advice to you is to keep asking the questions and moving forward in your life. And in time many if not most of the things you are now struggling with will work themselves. Please have pateince with yourself. Because you are addressing the things in life that you need to.

Mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#295128 - 07/13/09 10:40 AM Re: Fantasizing To Be Straight (Trigger, Warning) [Re: michael banks]
brother2none Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/30/09
Posts: 267
Loc: Undisclosed
Well said, JustScott. Well said.

"As such, I have a huge gaping hole in my heart for that need to filled. Combine that with the first and long lasting interactions that I did have with other males... and is it any wonder that I struggled for so long? I'll be honest, even though I know where I stand now, when I'm feeling really down and alone and isolated and the weight of that hole inside me really pulls me down, I really want to be close to a man and automatically my body puts the needs in line with sexual desire, even though for me, I can easily see that what I really want and need is that closeness that I was denied as a child."

DAG, if I had only known this and understood it in my twenties. Grrrr.


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#295408 - 07/15/09 01:06 PM Re: Fantasizing To Be Straight (Trigger, Warning) [Re: brother2none]
Fissy Tsickens Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/23/08
Posts: 466
Loc: Bassett, Virginia
Hi, Charlie.



I don't know every aspect of your situation, but from what I read, you desire to be straight. You fantasize about being a "good-looking, confident and attractive (guy ... pursued by the opposite sex)." Sounds straight to me. You don't mention fantasies regarding intimacy with guys. You say you want companionship with another guy but not for sex. Sounds straight to me.

Our heads are all screwy from sensations we felt during our abuse. It is a lie. If you are being truthful to yourself and in your post, your statements would be very different if you were gay.

That's just as I see it and interpret what you've said. I don't mean to offend you or anyone else.

I wish you the best.

Peace,

John



Edited by Fissy Tsickens (07/07/10 08:51 AM)
_________________________
Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home Iíll never see

It may sound absurd...but donít be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but wonít you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
Itís not easy to be me

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#295431 - 07/15/09 03:07 PM Re: Fantasizing To Be Straight (Trigger, Warning) [Re: Fissy Tsickens]
Happy Birthday DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Hi, Guys,

I would add my 2 cents but, I know from reading what others say this post would take a different direction.

Anyway, Charlie and others it is great to hear I am not the only one asking self-identification questions. Man has been asking sexuality questions since time began therefore, we can take solice in knowing the csa did not damage us forever.

I respect and love you all for whom ever you are.

Peace,
DJ

btw - I idenify as being gay with a bi history.

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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