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#294898 - 07/10/09 09:14 PM 70 year boy, runs away.
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2449
Loc: TEXAS
Hi my brothers.

It's that old boy again. Again in distress, and seeking help.

I would like some help in just how do you deal with that lost boy, whom has come home to you.
Another day in little Pete's hope that big Pete will lead him from the darkness into the sunshine forever into eternity.

Friday, 10 June. Evant.Texas at my new home.
Hurt little, boy/man, runs away from home again 55years later.

Today was going to be cut the grass day. Van and I usually do seperate areas. He on his riding mower, and me with the gas push mower. And I had already started my area. He went and chesked the mail, and when he came back he tells me that I'm doing it the wrong way. I should be cutting Well the grass clock wise, and in a square cutting pattern. But I figure what the hell difference does it make, as long as the grass was getting cut. So he tells me come on do it like i ask. OK.
Then I go and try and start the gas mower and I break the starting cord. And he doesn't have a new one to fix it. My part of the grass cutting was finished for the day.
But after a while I asked him to write what ever part(s) we need to fix it. I'll drive into town (30 miles) away and but the part. He tells me no, As we would have to go to a bigger city to find the part. Well I got pissed. and I told him hell I'll buy a new power mower. He again told me no.

Then he tells me why (he thinks) that caused the rope to break.
He told me that he was going to tell me earlier about the way that I pull the starting rope. But figured he would keep his mouth shut. So he tells me what's on his mind. Well Pete I've been watching everything that you have done here as far as the outside work goes. You do everything with anger and frustrations. I just do everything. right now, full speed ahead. Just plowing head long to the task at hand. Well I told him that I'll go and buy a new mower, and he tells me not no but hell no. I tell him that's it's my money, and he tells me If I did get a new one he wouldn't let me use it on his property.
Well right there, my emotions start bubbling, as I drifted back to when Pete was little Pete, constantly being reminded that I was useless, worthless and would never amount to anything. (my "mom"). And my "stepfather" added a new one a young boy with a weak mind. I was feeling that he was hurting me, and berating me. So as pissed off as I was I get into my pickup and drive away from home. I was running away, I was that hurt lost boy all over again. emotionally. And we were running away from home. Just like little Pete did 55 years ago.
Except, I was running away from a place where I was getting compassion, understanding and love. And I was supposed to be a 70yr old man, and not a boy of 10-15 running away from sexual and emotional abuse.
So when litle Pete and I got into town we went and had a big cone at the local DQ. We got cooled down, and drove back home. I promised little Pete that I would lead him from the darkness and into the sunlight forever into eternity.

But I keep going back into the darkness, known as hell. Just why do I go all to hell emotionally when people are critising me. I should have stood there and took my medicine. To behave like a man.
But I acted like that little hurt boy, Once again I have failed to learn what I was told at my WOR in Georgia.

When is big Pete ever going to learn?.

Who ran away? Litle Pete and his emotions. Or big Pete trying to fighre out little Pete? Who was the one that got hurt and reacted?

Yes, those terrable words that can kill, useless, worthless, would never amount to anything, strong boy with a weak mind.

They surely killed any kind of emotions that this little boy would need throught his life. Self esteem? They took everything, my body, my mind and my very soul. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks for listning, my brothers, my family & my friends.

Heal well you all.

Little Pete & big Pete...but 1 (Irishmoose)

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#294900 - 07/10/09 09:19 PM Re: 70 year boy, runs away. [Re: petercorbett]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2588
You're not alone. I'm here too and feel just like this.

I feel totally like a little kid today. Can't even seem to think or feel like an adult at all today :-(

Anxiety is getting the better of me.

I want to run away too!

Oh... and I got me a huge bowl if ice cream here too! :-)


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#294905 - 07/10/09 10:44 PM Re: 70 year boy, runs away. [Re: JustScott]
Texan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/22/09
Posts: 11
Loc: BC, Canada
Peter,
As your friend, I can tell you that I love you and you are a great man and you were and still are a wonderful child. Some of us, me included, are still running and may never stop. I do things everyday that cause me to run. I still am up in the air about which direction my life is going to go! I have done so many bad things in the past that they haunt me daily, I look to you as my friend, a mentor, for the example of how my life should evolve, bearing this affliction you and I share, you are so much further along the road than I. I love you and you are a wonderful man, person, parent, father and friend!
Thanks for knowing!

_________________________
WoR Alumni Dahlonega,Ga May 15-17, 2009

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#294907 - 07/10/09 11:27 PM Re: 70 year boy, runs away. [Re: petercorbett]
Geeders Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 1901
Loc: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
Originally Posted By: petercorbett
I should have stood there and took my medicine. To behave like a man.
But I acted like that little hurt boy, Once again I have failed to learn what I was told at my WOR in Georgia.

When is big Pete ever going to learn?.


Ok Pete, you ain't gonna like this, maybe....

Last week, on the 4th I think you summed up a lot of gumption to go into town, and try and join in the celebrations of the day. You may not have made it all the way, but you tried. You felt a want or a need, to try. And you DID! You may have chosen to walk away this time. But you tried. Did you ever do that when you lived in Germany? You must have known other Yanks there. Did you ever????

And "To behave like a man". To put up with emotional bullshit and say nothing? Do not react.Never let them see you sweat? Or Cry? Just what the hell does that mean? Jeez Pete, look at yourself. You are FEELING for for the first time in many years! Give yourself a break!

You are a man. You are 70 tears old. Yes, that was deliberate. Men have tears. Lots of them. But until now, you've never been allowed to express them. Feel what you are going through. Feel for the first time in your life like you have never felt before. Step out of the ordinary.Does that sound familiar?

Be strong, be wise. Be you. And let it out. You have nothin to be ashamed of. If you are hurting, you have chosen a great place to let it out. With your brothers. We care.

Jim

_________________________
My name is Jim
WoR Mysthaven 2008, Level 2 WoR Alta 2009, Kirkridge 2010, 2011, Oprah 200 men

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#294909 - 07/11/09 12:08 AM Re: 70 year boy, runs away. [Re: Geeders]
Tedure Offline


Registered: 04/17/09
Posts: 203
Loc: Utah
Pete,

I like your insight and willingness to share. I like all the other guys comments also. We all have trouble remembering that love is a calm in control feeling because many times our lives are not calm or in control. Find that love spot (calm or in control) in your heart and mind and it will help. You are a great example to us all.

Much love to YOU!! Ted Ure

_________________________
When you change the way you look at things the things you look at change.

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#294985 - 07/11/09 07:11 PM Re: 70 year boy, runs away. [Re: Geeders]
Casmir213 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/09
Posts: 845
Loc: Northeast, USA

Hey Big Pete,

I'm glad you're talking about this. It's great therapy to be able to focus on these kind of experiences once they've happened. This to me says that you aren't running from yourself anymore and that you're trying to confront some very difficult issues in your life right now. You deserve to be commended for turning and facing what has been a part of your life for so long, as I'm sure it isn't an easy thing to do at any age. Again, you have my respect for this, and I see you as being a great example for the rest of us.

Originally Posted By: Geeders
Feel what you are going through. Feel for the first time in your life like you have never felt before.


This sound like good advice. I've been doing some reading up and practicing up on "Mindfulness" lately, because it is a way to overcome depression (which I struggle with), and in doing so I've come across information which confirms Jims advice. If I may add my part from what I've learned (actually today) so far, I would like to say that it is just these kind of negative/unpleasant internal experiences that you've described having which I've learned would be helpful to us if we accept them rather than reject them.

What I think this means is allowing yourself to feel that way, rather than resisting it, knowing that it is just a feeling/emotional experience and it is not who you are. You can handle negative experiences (rejection, criticism, etc.) without running from them, because they do not determine who you are. You're already aware of where they come from (your past) and when they are triggered, so that is very good, as it means that you've done a lot of work already. If you can be present in your emotions, while at the same time not being merged with them (that is, believing them) you will probably begin to see that you can survive them, and be less controlled by them.

Again, you have my respect and support for the steps (including the 4th of July) you've taken in your life to courageously confront yourself and take further steps in your path of healing Little Pete and Big Pete.

If you're interested in learning more about mindfulness, there are plenty of books on the subject. The book that I've been reading is called:

The Mindfulness & Acceptance Workbook for Depression: Using Acceptance & Commitment Therapy to Move Through Depression & Create a Life Worth Living (New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook) (Paperback)
by Kirk D. Strosahl (Author), Patricia J. Robinson

Best wishes big brother,

Rocco

_________________________
I see recovery as a lifelong journey rather than a final destination, a journey, though, which can have many successes along the way.

WoR Alumnus - Hope Springs, OH, October 2009

My avatar is the farmhouse at the Hope Spring, OH WoR. It's a nice place.

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