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#294695 - 07/09/09 12:23 AM Love my friends, hate my town.
Jaifian Offline


Registered: 05/26/09
Posts: 220
Loc: washington state, USA
I feel kind of torn. The friends I have made here I feel I love too dearly to leave....but this town really sags sad. If you don't drive, (bicycles? witchcraft!) and don't work a conventional job, and don't follow the popular notion of mainstream, whatever that is, (do I care?) you get treated like a detainee at Abu Graib.

It's got a very high violent crime rate and it's where I got raped. I grew up here but when I get to hell I'll be relieved to have finally moved up in the world.

Anyone else hate their hometown?


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#294700 - 07/09/09 12:38 AM Re: Love my friends, hate my town. [Re: Jaifian]
Charlie24 Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
Yes Jaifian, I strongly dislike my hometown. I too was abused my in hometown and just have too many bad memories. Horrible time in school, more abuse there as well.

Thankful I've had the opportunity to leave that town and not be there anymore.

I feel for ya man. It's tough.

I make it back no more than 2X per year and that is more than enough.

Don't care to run into old classmates, just made my life a living hell.

Was kinda able to say F-U when I left to the town and the people who made it a living hell.

I hope you can get out of it, if you ever get the chance my friend. Good luck to you.

Charlie.


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#294705 - 07/09/09 01:26 AM Re: Love my friends, hate my town. [Re: Charlie24]
Jaifian Offline


Registered: 05/26/09
Posts: 220
Loc: washington state, USA
Yeah, it's not so much not being able to get out as just not being able to leave the people I love.

It is tough to have abuse memories in a place where you live.

I go through the neighborhood where I got raped only when I have to and then it's with my eyes closed.




Edited by Jaifian (09/08/09 12:06 PM)

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#294706 - 07/09/09 01:32 AM Re: Love my friends, hate my town. [Re: Charlie24]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
I have lots of good memories of the city that I was born and raised in despite the fact that a majority of my victimization occurred there. It was an odd city, as most of it was pretty blue-collar and violent. My folks lived in one of metro-Detroit's nicer neighborhoods but that didn't seem to help me much. I still blame a fair amount of my sexual abuse on my parent's oddball church, as well as my physical, emotional, and religious abuse at their hands too.

I lived around my hometown for most of the first half of my life. I left a lot of close friends there when I finally left Birmingham in the 1982 Recession. My folks had left the area where I grew-up in 1976, and had moved to the Cleveland, OH area. This was an area where I never had many friends and the few friends that I did have were big into hard drugs. I fell pretty hard living around Cleveland, and many times over many years I had to take a weekend back in my hometown just to retain my sanity. I left Cleveland for good early in 1991, and these days I only still know a handful of people there, as several of my closest friends there have either died or gone into jails or mental hospitals. There really isn't much for me to go back to in Cleveland, though my first wife and I have our names engraved on a sidewalk paving stone in the "Inner Harbor" area there, just to prove for many years to come that at one time we did live there, as unhappy as it was.

Here in Denver I have stunk-up the worst neighborhoods and since my recovery I have lived very well in one of the region's best neighborhoods. I have many old friends down in the worst parts of town that I have cut myself completely off from. My wife and I live a near-idyllic life in an upscale golf course community, and my little sister and her husband live in nearby Boulder. I have lots of bad memories and a few good ones from my old neighborhoods back in the bad old days here. And for the last 10 years I have some really good memories from my new life beyond recovery here too.

Life is what you make of it, no matter where you live. I'm sure that there are good, decent parts to every city and every town, and lots of bad parts and people there too. I know one thing for certain, and that is that the geographical cure has a low success rate, though moving out to the suburbs and leaving my old crowd behind here in Denver was one of the best moves that I ever made. Likely I wouldn't have been successful if I hadn't gone through drug treatment and my therapy beforehand though.

Where were you from Charlie??? GR??? I have lots of friends there too. Even my friend Hauser is from there.

Hope that both of you guys can eventually find a place to proudly call home someday soon.

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#294719 - 07/09/09 05:25 AM Re: Love my friends, hate my town. [Re: Trucker51]
LilacLouie Offline


Registered: 07/02/09
Posts: 359
Loc: Utah
....



Edited by LilacLouie (07/12/09 04:02 AM)

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#294721 - 07/09/09 05:44 AM Re: Love my friends, hate my town. [Re: LilacLouie]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
Doug,

You've heard it said "It doesn't matter where you go, there YOU are"? With bruises, scars, memories and all. Leaving your hometown will only aleviate somewhat the feelings of distress that you feel - leaving would not be a cure-all.

That being said, I haven't been back to my hometown in almost fifteen years and no one could pay me enough money to make that trip again!!!

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#294727 - 07/09/09 09:33 AM Re: Love my friends, hate my town. [Re: Jaifian]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
i think it has a lot to do with the psychic cooties that linger, acting like brain rats in the associations to certain people, places and things in a given location, that happened in approximation to our victimization.

i moved away from my hometown pittsburgh back in 1999, and i was never so glad to leave a town. pittsburgh was the place that bore and bred me. it became the place i was physically and sexually abused, psychologically damaged and emotionally aborted by my own family. i moved to minneapolis and created a new life, one that had no connections, no semiotic referential points in regards to the external signifiers which represented victimization, self-loathing, shame and defeat. in minneapolis my life and self esteem flourished under a banner a freedom that could not be attained as long as i remained bound in chains of ensconced subliminal associations to persons places and things of my hometown. i needed a fresh outlook, a clean slate. but i needed also to face and resolve the unrecognized schemas and seculae that connected me from one moment to the next, triggering reactivity, keeping me blind to the objectivity i so desperately needed, were i to truly know freedom from the tethering past.

part of my process led me to return to my hometown pittsburgh, and now that i am back, i want to throw up; all i see is dead people. i see so clearly why i left, and without my children here, except my son chris, there is really no purpose for me to be here. i had romanticized my reasoning for returning to my hometown, like an elephant seeking its graveyard, a resting place to make peace with ghosts of the past.

but, now, here all i find is that i have arrived prematurely. that i am not ready to die, but rather, i feel the potential for giving up far too soon to be a very real possibility; an inner urgency makes me wonder if it's time to leave again, with a new perspective.

i had always thought that at some point age would force me to return 'home', but from where i stand there is no 'home'. there is only negotiating compromise. i have been back here for almost 2 years, and have very little to show for the experience. yes, i have unraveled huge mental/emotional knots, and i have started to make a few new connections, and perhaps i have not given them a fair enough shake yet; and while i am thrilled to be here, my life intersecting on a musical level with that of my son, as i am a member of his band, still, i feel that i have one more attempt at flight to make before i yield to the inevitable call to put down my life's burden once and for all.

for today, i want to leave this nesting town, this place that has such great significance for others; its breathtaking landscape, with its hills, trees and rivers, flowers. but for me, it seems its fresh meaning will always elude me, because of the reasons mentioned above, the potential of its culture to further form and shape my ideals and hopes and dreams will be forever tarnished. i can never wipe clean the slate as long as i live in pittsburgh, and i am torn between two quests: should i stay and simply face my demons, risking allowing them to devour me, as i challenge myself to live beyond their tendrils that keep me inexorably linked to the past, or should i turn my face toward a new jerusalem.... a new set of questions, challenges, crucifixions, deaths and resurrections.

it started out as such a simple question doug, but i'm glad you brought up this topic because i needed to get out my thoughts about it.

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#294753 - 07/09/09 01:08 PM Re: Love my friends, hate my town. [Re: Sans Logos]
ComicBookGuy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/08/09
Posts: 443
Loc: London, England
In fact whether I read about them or met them, the vast majority of survivors I've heard of, all moved from wherever it happened, and I did too, though it took longer and I only moved a few miles down the road.

Some in fact changed whole countries, not just their town or their city. It's true that the memories go with you, but overall I just felt more free, less constrained, where I am now, and were it not for one relative could happily never visit my childhood town at all. Then again, leaving home is part of life whether you're a survivor or not.



Edited by ComicBookGuy (07/09/09 01:10 PM)
_________________________
- CBG

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#294755 - 07/09/09 01:58 PM Re: Love my friends, hate my town. [Re: ComicBookGuy]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Hi, Jaifian.

I totally relate to what your staying about living in the town you hate but love others that live there.

I love where I live. I chose to move away from my hometown because it was too small and I could NOT be "out" and living an honest life which required a larger city. I love it here.

But, eventhough there are "memories" of the past in my hometown I go back occasionally and experience myself there. I love my being there more and more as I grow. As I let go of the pain of the past I embrace every part of my life.

Anyways, I hear your struggle to exist where you are at.

Peace,
DJ

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#294763 - 07/09/09 03:24 PM Re: Love my friends, hate my town. [Re: DJsport]
Jaifian Offline


Registered: 05/26/09
Posts: 220
Loc: washington state, USA
I very clearly remember the last ferry ride off the island where my csa happened. My mother decided to move to the mainland and that last ferry trip was one of those moments I'll never forget.

The sun was setting and it was as though it was setting on all that had happened to me on the island I was finally leaving.

Jeez! I'm getting emotional just writing about it. Anyway, I feel as though getting off that island was a good thing, though it may have made it easier to repress the memories.

I like the "psychic cooties" de>


Edited by Jaifian (09/08/09 12:06 PM)

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