Newest Members
brightheart, Hank2, Severe stammer, Jeff B., Aquarian
12838 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
CFVB (47), cjmofwp (60), direstraitu (43), greg64 (51), Jonah (46), Kary (55), MittensxonxKit (24), proteus (40), Stargazer (43), steel (45), Tanis2105 (51)
Who's Online
0 registered (), 17 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12838 Members
75 Forums
66382 Topics
463870 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Page 3 of 3 < 1 2 3
Topic Options
#289090 - 05/27/09 01:40 PM Re: Telling women about your past [Re: Juni]
shoes_untied Offline

Registered: 05/27/09
Posts: 8

While reading your original post I was overwhelmed at one point. It sounds evil but when I saw "Lots of torture, whippings, violence,..." I was so happy. I thought that I wouldn't share those things in common with anyone else. I know it sounds stupid but I thought in that way I was still alone.

I found this site last night and I'm still learning how "not alone" I am. I guess I just wanted to thank you for sharing that aspect of your abuse.


#290595 - 06/07/09 02:58 AM Re: Telling women about your past [Re: shoes_untied]
coaster Offline

Registered: 04/02/09
Posts: 18
You're very welcome Justin. I'm glad you know you are not alone.


P.S. In future, I'll put the note "triggers" into the message.

#293462 - 06/29/09 01:10 AM Re: Telling women about your past [Re: Juni]
inpainincanada Offline

Registered: 06/29/09
Posts: 3
Loc: edmonton
the biggest mistake i ever made was not telling my ex before I was married about my struggles. You dont have to wear a sign, or disclose if you are only dating casualy, but if you are in a serious relationship or looking for a comitment, then some disclosure is required, in my opinion.

#294216 - 07/04/09 03:20 PM Re: Telling women about your past [Re: inpainincanada]
movingforward23 Offline

Registered: 07/04/09
Posts: 1
First let me say that I really appreciate the honesty and forthrightness on this site... I have been struggling with this for a long time but I really feel like this is the kind of place I was looking for to begin finding answers/myself.

This is very personal but I am going to do my best to get through it all in one post... warning for those who don't want to know too much about me.

I am a probable survivor of abuse that would have taken place before I was 5 or 6 years old. I say probable because I only have one memory of it that for many years I convinced myself was a dream/sick fantasy. I do not have ANY memories of my life before first grade (age 7) and have never been able to explain why that is. Over the years I have come to put the pieces together (low self-esteem, phobia of sex and sexual intercourse, extreme guilt and shame about sex, panic attacks, fear of being touched by any person) and believe that I was sexually abused by my grandfather, who has since passed away. The biggest aftermath of this has been a struggle with my sexual orientation.

Right now I am 23 years old and have for the past few years identified as gay. This came as the result of several years of feeling no strong sexual attraction towards anyone. When I first started to masturbate (age 13 or so, shortly after the death of my grandfather), I thought of boys about my age being tied up by older men, which incidentally coincides with my one memory of abuse. I have never fantastized about myself in any kind of sexual situation, but characters I have created. (And I'm aware that dissociative identity disorder is common in survivors of abuse, but let me assure you I am entirely aware that they are fictional people I created and no part of myself.) At the time I was beginning to date a girl in my class, who I felt a very strong emotional attachment to, but nothing physically. We kissed once in two years of dating and it felt extremely uncomfortable. I had no desire for any sexual intercourse with anyone of either sex.

In high school, I began to develop what I suspected were crushes on guys but never acted on them. I avoided dating until my senior year of college, where I was in a short-lived and sexually unsatisfying relationship with a male. At that point my family had been pressuring me to date women and ultimately my mother cornered me and asked me if I was gay. I told her I thought so and have been "out" to my family and close friends ever since.

After college I moved to a different city and am selectively "out" to my friends and coworkers. I have my first real boyfriend and am starting to realize that our relationship is severely troubled. I have never been able to climax in the presence of anyone (including the current bf) and have difficulty maintaining an erection for more than a few minutes at a time. When I do get an erection, it's thinking about tying the other person up/being tied up. I feel as though this is more of a sexual festishization than an actual physical attraction to my boyfriend or anyone else I have been with. During the time I have identified as gay I have not thought about women sexually and have not seriously entertained the idea of dating one, with the exception of my best friend whom I have been close to ever since third grade (and in fifth grade, before puberty, I believed I was in love with.) We live in different cities now and I have told her I am gay, but I believe she does have romantic feelings for me.

My problem now is the relationship in which I have found myself. I have disclosed to my boyfriend that I believe I was abused and that I have never been able to "perform" sexually. He has been nice and understanding about it, but it is beginning to put a strain on the relationship. He has said several times he suspects that I am not gay, and I don't know what to say to him.

At this point in my life I have not dated a woman since early high school (14-15) and have never attempted to hook up with one. The last thing I want to do is lead anyone on (whether it be my boyfriend or a "test" woman) and I'm quite confused by it. I have never been effeminate and am extremely uncomfortable identifying as gay, especially since I am finding myself repulsed by so much of the physical component of my current relationship and all my past encounters with men. I am open to the possibility that it may be internalized homphobia combined with low self-esteem and emotional vulnerability, but I am not sure. I am planning to move again within the next few months to a city about an hour away. I do not know how long I can continue faking my way through the relationship I am in, but I wouldn't have the first idea how to approach a girl romantically.

If anyone can relate to this in any way, I would really appreciate any help or advice you can give me. Thanks much for reading.


#294221 - 07/04/09 04:21 PM Re: Telling women about your past [Re: movingforward23]
myboyhoodfears Offline

Registered: 03/13/09
Posts: 457

Edited by myboyhoodfears (08/31/09 12:24 PM)
Post Nubilia Pheobus

#294231 - 07/04/09 06:23 PM Re: Telling women about your past [Re: myboyhoodfears]
InsideTheWall Offline

Registered: 01/10/09
Posts: 294
I'm straight Mark, but what you posted resonates with me. I think you should break off this relationship and explore your hetero side a bit, which you're considering. Your boyfriend is probably expecting you to do this, but be gentle about it. As for meeting women, I'm kind of at the same stage.

#294468 - 07/07/09 02:41 AM Re: Telling women about your past [Re: movingforward23]
krayoss Offline

Registered: 02/18/01
Posts: 112
Loc: west
I wish you strength to bear with everything, you are not alone.

Edited by krayoss (09/07/09 03:31 PM)

Page 3 of 3 < 1 2 3

Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.