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#293965 - 07/02/09 04:48 PM Pornos in the Sanctuary **Triggers**
Shadow+Walker Offline


Registered: 04/16/09
Posts: 287
Loc: desolate foggy nights, USA
***Triggers***
Picture how shocking this is. You prepare for church, all bathed and groomed, wearing your Sunday best attire and arrive at your parish just on time. As you enter the beautiful gothic structure with high vaulted ceiling, your eyes glisten to see the stained glass windows casting an array of shaded light across the sanctuary, altar, and statuary. The votive candles illumine the icons of the hosts of saints and angels; while the air is filled with the audible swells of voices chanting ancient holy words. This is a safe place for holy mystery, sacred ritual and sublime meditations. Upon securing your location to stand, kneel and sit throughout the liturgies, you look at the Altar and Chancel only to observe that a wide screen has popped up displaying a porno film starring you. Not only do you see it, but you physically feel the sensations as the actor touches, caresses, shoves, holds, pokes and fellates you. Are you shocked? Are you horrified? Do you feel numb all over? Does your head go foggy? Do you want to run screaming and crying out the emergency exit door? Yeah, I do too. Welcome to my heart. I had created a place that is safe to enter, to remain, to wait, to pray, to meditate, to just be. Along has come these damnable flash backs playing pornos of me. I don’t want it! I hate it! I throw it out and there it is again the next day, playing filth in my sanctuary. 36 years later he and the others have figured out how to violate my sacred places with the shame and degradation.

Peace,
Shadow+Walker



_________________________
For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, love and self discipline. (St Paul, 2Timothy 1:7) NIV

Check out a cool song by a hot band..."Unbreakable" by Fireflight: official video at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWRJAHaOrYg

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#293978 - 07/02/09 08:57 PM Re: Pornos in the Sanctuary **Triggers** [Re: Shadow+Walker]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
shadow+walker,

i can only imagine how terrifying it must be for you to be confronted by such an unwelcome guest in the pure place you created especially for avoiding such distractions.

here is a little musical reflection i made a while back based on a prayer a friend made called: welcome guest

maybe you can use it as inspiration to help bring grace to your space.

Quote:
You came at morning break, rushing in to greet my soul.
How welcome You are and how I greet you with great joy.
In such a holy place I feel your awesome presence, slipping into my heart and soul.
Whispering your precious thoughts and words into my heart. What everlasting peace and serenity you bestow upon my being.
I accept you and know my soul longs for you to be a part of me.
A gift more precious than all earthly things.
I accept Your presence and love at first light.
You have always carried me---let me carry You with me throughout the hours of this day until I rest again at evening's end and tuck You in my heart and soul until a new day dawns and Your presence is again in my consciousness.
At morning break, at evening's end, You are my welcome guest.


all the best,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#294008 - 07/03/09 01:03 AM Re: Pornos in the Sanctuary **Triggers** [Re: Sans Logos]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
Ron,
I can't imagine that anyone listening to this awesome gift would not be as uplifted and comforted as I am in this moment - thank you my friend for sharing this.

I am a richer man in this moment smile

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#294071 - 07/03/09 02:11 PM Re: Pornos in the Sanctuary **Triggers** [Re: Sans Logos]
Shadow+Walker Offline


Registered: 04/16/09
Posts: 287
Loc: desolate foggy nights, USA
Ron,

Thank you for the inspirational gift. I shall keep it and use it frequently. It is very beautiful and fits well with the sacred music collection that I regularly use for my times of prayer and meditation. I shall enjoy it often and it means alot to me that it is a gift from one of my bro's at MS. I truly love the message and the meditational music is very soothing and contemplative.

Peace,
Shadow+Walker

_________________________
For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, love and self discipline. (St Paul, 2Timothy 1:7) NIV

Check out a cool song by a hot band..."Unbreakable" by Fireflight: official video at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWRJAHaOrYg

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#294073 - 07/03/09 02:12 PM Re: Pornos in the Sanctuary **Triggers** [Re: Shadow+Walker]
Shadow+Walker Offline


Registered: 04/16/09
Posts: 287
Loc: desolate foggy nights, USA
Over the last year and a half these flashbacks,etc have been intruding during my times of prayer and meditation. It has felt like an invasion of my heart's sanctuary against such things. I have recently begun to understand that instead of an invasion it is rather an integration of the two separate aspects of my life's experiences. I am now beginning to interpret it as a spiritual excercise for my healing.

Peace,
Shadow+Walker

_________________________
For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, love and self discipline. (St Paul, 2Timothy 1:7) NIV

Check out a cool song by a hot band..."Unbreakable" by Fireflight: official video at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWRJAHaOrYg

Top
#294080 - 07/03/09 02:35 PM Re: Pornos in the Sanctuary **Triggers** [Re: Shadow+Walker]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
amen bro!

gimme an 'I' ....

gimme an 'N' ....

gimme an 'T' ....

gimme an 'E' ....

gimme an 'G' ....

gimme an 'R' ....

gimme an 'A' ....

gimme an 'T' ....

gimme an 'I' ....

gimme an 'O' ....

gimme an 'N' ....

there's no way around it. acceptance and embrace of the dichotomy. whoo-hoo!


btw, here's another plain instrumental entitled simply prayer

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


Top
#294167 - 07/04/09 07:45 AM Re: Pornos in the Sanctuary **Triggers** [Re: Sans Logos]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Shadow,

That same heart that is so ravaged with bad feelings and terrible memories is the same heart that will get you through all this. Keep talking, even when it feels like the LAST thing you feel you can do - or rather, especially when it's the last thing you feel you can do.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#294223 - 07/04/09 04:52 PM Re: Pornos in the Sanctuary **Triggers** [Re: roadrunner]
Shadow+Walker Offline


Registered: 04/16/09
Posts: 287
Loc: desolate foggy nights, USA
Ron,
Thanks for your encouragement and the new song! I can use both very much.

Larry,
Thank you for your kind words of wisdom.

Discovering that I am healing is exciting; yet as it happens it can seem so disconcerting. I found a slideshow / video using a song that I have enjoyed for many years. This song is a good reminder that I am not doing this on my own schedule. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pjab00qQG3k&feature=related

Peace & Love,
Shadow+Walker

_________________________
For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, love and self discipline. (St Paul, 2Timothy 1:7) NIV

Check out a cool song by a hot band..."Unbreakable" by Fireflight: official video at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWRJAHaOrYg

Top
#294262 - 07/05/09 01:10 AM Re: Pornos in the Sanctuary **Triggers** [Re: Shadow+Walker]
sojourn111 Offline


Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 86
Loc: midwest
Shadow,
I know what you mean and it is horrific. I wish I had an awesome solution or moment of breakthrough where they left forever... but they haven't. What happened hasn't changed but my understanding and perspective have and continue to change. A psychologist told me once that I would be able to 'move on' and just live life. But that's like a man with shrapnel inside him living life... yet its there. The scar, the impact, its there. Regardless the recovery and healing history has taken place.
What is good then that happens? It damaged but it didn't totally kill. We live and breathe while others don't. I met a women that survived the Nazi persecution and Holocaust. The physical, mental, sexual and emotional abuse she suffered is beyond what I could live through.
I asked how do you live and move forward. As she said you live life in pieces each day. Those days get better but the past is there. Eventually the past is more understood, its further away, and the future helps weigh the balance. And we hold the remote control, the image may pop up but we can at least turn it off. It is a battle. But as I have fought memory recovery I am finding good things to reexperience. A birthday, time with grandma, childhhood innocence hidden behind that darkness. That recall has made it worth recalling everything.
I pray for you... a new movie to see.
SD


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#294375 - 07/06/09 01:08 AM Re: Pornos in the Sanctuary **Triggers** [Re: sojourn111]
Shadow+Walker Offline


Registered: 04/16/09
Posts: 287
Loc: desolate foggy nights, USA
Thank you Sojourn,

Your thoughtful words are truly encouraging to me. Yes, I think remembering my good and happy experiences in the face of my traumatic experiences allows me to accept them both. I think its helping to put them in proper perspective relative to each other, as well.

You mention the women who survived the Nazi concentration camp. What she said is very similar to words of Corrie Ten Boom who also survived a Nazi concentration camp. She wrote and spoke about the death of her family and her experiences for many years to many people. She has since died. She wrote in the book, In My Father's House, these words. "Today I know that memories are the key not to the past, but to the future. I know that the experiences of our lives, when we let God use them, become the mysterious and perfect preparation for the work He will give us to do." As the women that you talked to said, "the future helps weigh the balance." It really does.

Peace,
Shadow+Walker


_________________________
For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, love and self discipline. (St Paul, 2Timothy 1:7) NIV

Check out a cool song by a hot band..."Unbreakable" by Fireflight: official video at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWRJAHaOrYg

Top
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