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#294228 - 07/04/09 05:33 PM We tried, and failed.
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: TEXAS
Hi my brothers.

Well we all know that today is the 4th of July, and there are BBQ's all over. People mixing in. People talking. People enjoying each other.

Like, I've posted previously on becoming a hermit because i get too emotional when I see things with others enjoying their lives, together.

This is a very small rural town in Texas. It says 363 souls in it.

Today, the voulinteer fire department is having a BBQ at the town square. Well I had told little Pete that we are going to try and see if we are ready to meet other people, trying to take another small step forward in our journey to recovery. But in order to accomplish this importaint step we would have to be able to intermingle and actually talk to others. Sit at tables with others, and more than likely be touched by others. Pats on the back, handshakes, etc.

Well I put on my Male Survivor t-shirt, a good pair of wranglers, my best boots & straw hat. And we walk up to the town square. we had been thinking if we could do this while walking there. Trying to convince us that we WERE ready. But the closer we got, the more my heart started beating faster, my mind was going faster than my heart.

We got right up to the tent and BBQ grill, people were looking at us. Wondering who this stranger was, (I've only been here for 3 months) and they know a newbie when they see one.

But at the last possible second, little Pete & big Pete just kept on walking. My heart told me to go. But my mind told me to keep going. I got cold feet, just couldn't do it.

I told little Peter that I would LEAD him from the darkness into the sunshine forever into eternity.

I have the feeling that eternity will come first.

Little Pete & big Pete tried and failed.

Another step backwards.

Heal well my brothers/friends.

Pete (Irishmoose)



Edited by petercorbett (07/04/09 05:35 PM)
Edit Reason: spelling
_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#294232 - 07/04/09 06:25 PM Re: We tried, and failed. [Re: petercorbett]
Shadow+Walker Offline


Registered: 04/16/09
Posts: 287
Loc: desolate foggy nights, USA
Pete,
There are two ways I see this. One way is as you point out, a failure. The other way as a success at trying. The only true failure is the failure to try at all. Wow, look how close you got! Next time, you may get closer yet and head home with some BBQ in a take home box. Well at least you didn't stain your MS shirt with BBQ sauce and it will be ready for the next event scheduled by the VFD. Congratulations on getting down town this 4th of July. They looked at you and you got to look at them, and that's how any good friendship starts.

Peace,
Shadow+Walker

_________________________
For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, love and self discipline. (St Paul, 2Timothy 1:7) NIV

Check out a cool song by a hot band..."Unbreakable" by Fireflight: official video at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWRJAHaOrYg

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#294233 - 07/04/09 06:28 PM Re: We tried, and failed. [Re: petercorbett]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Pete,

One thing that might help you is to bear in mind that your recovery doesn't necessarily require that you announce your identity as a survivor to your local community, at least not right now. Maybe you will feel better about doing that later on, but really, it's a big step. Many of us would hesitate to do that - I know I would.

My thought on this, Pete, is that the information about the abuse we suffered is private - it belongs to us. It's great to be able to talk about it, but perhaps it's a good idea to start out by concentrating on specific individuals whom we already think will be safe and understanding, but who would be better able to support us if they knew.

Think about that for a moment. Would strangers in this new village of yours have been reliable sources of support? How much do they know about CSA, other than what they hear about sensational cases on the news? What experience do they have in dealing with survivors? Do they even know anyone whom they know is a survivor?

I really don't see what happened today as a failure. You simply reconsidered and opted for the course of caution. That may have been good for both you and Little Pete.

Much love,
Larry



_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#294236 - 07/04/09 06:51 PM Re: We tried, and failed. [Re: roadrunner]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Peter,

Hold your head up proudly my brother. It is far better to attempt something then not to have tried at all. Maybe next time you will come alittle closer to your goal my friend. Remember progress not perfection.

Mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#294240 - 07/04/09 07:44 PM Re: We tried, and failed. [Re: petercorbett]
Jaifian Offline


Registered: 05/26/09
Posts: 220
Loc: washington state, USA
If it's any consolation, bro, I wouldn't be able to do that either.

I think it's a great goal to have to do something like that, but my feeling is that something like that is a pretty advanced phase of recovery and if your not ready for it yet, I wouldn't beat myself up over it.



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#294258 - 07/04/09 10:36 PM Re: We tried, and failed. [Re: Jaifian]
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Hi Pete, when you first started to walk you did not succeed, but that did not stop you. To me this is a 99% victory! Please don't take it so hard.

Take care,
Clifford

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#294263 - 07/05/09 01:19 AM Re: We tried, and failed. [Re: petercorbett]
sojourn111 Offline


Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 86
Loc: midwest
Pete there's no failure in what you did. That was a success. It was one step more than comfortable. It was an attempt to fly and you got off the ground. We are aiming for transatlantic just getting the thing off the ground. First flight is what you did. The jets and the big stuff comes later. Take this for what it was, a victory. And yes having lived in TX those people won't think you are weird cuz they know they are all weird in a way. A lot of them will find you and greet you and like to see you.
SD


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#294267 - 07/05/09 02:47 AM Re: We tried, and failed. [Re: sojourn111]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Pete,

You know, there are events I don't do, even as a fairly well recovered survivor. I don't do things like you are speaking of. I don't know anyone there. No one invited me there to do anything. I can get bbq at the local market. No need to go. Ain't gonna. No shame. Don't care.

Point is you attempted something that many, many "normals", who have never experience what you and I have experienced wouldn't consider doing. You actually walked up to the tent before walking on past. They didn't. You've nothing to feel shame over, and like has been said, if this is a step you feel you need to take, next time you'll maybe find yourself licking the sauce off your fingers, and just maybe you'll make a friend.

It's all about the small steps, Bro, the small steps.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#294278 - 07/05/09 07:48 AM Re: We tried, and failed. [Re: WalkingSouth]
expom Offline


Registered: 01/06/09
Posts: 124
Loc: Australia
Was it hyawatha who said "He who hunts and runs away, lives to hunt another day"?

My take on your day is simply that the improved relationship between you and Little Pete is such that you spotted that you were not feeling safe. So between the two of you, you got yourself into a safe place. For that, I reckon you deserve a hearty well done.

When I HAVE to face some of these occasions, I try and do a couple of things; first plan for an early exit - knowing that I am not going to stay long helps me take the pressure off. 2nd is to try and not go anywhere empty handed - something to hide behind (like a 'special' bottle of ketchup because you are 'allergic' to others!!). Any trick to take the pressure and focus off the 'me' that is standing there is fair game in my book.

Just a thought for another time.

ADen

_________________________
I endured all my yesterdays. I prevail in all of my todays. I exercise my right to be able to enjoy my tomorrows. I choose not to do it alone.

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#294369 - 07/05/09 11:43 PM Re: We tried, and failed. [Re: expom]
endlessjourney Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/05
Posts: 518
Loc: Cincinnati Ohio
Keep crackin. You had the resolve to at least show up. That in itself is a victory. A step closer. For life as a CSA survivor is full of trials and tribulations. A great quote I've learned in a Social Anxiety workbook (non berbatim). Is, "every attempt is a victory". A step in the right direction. Keep trying. We only fail if we give up. I know, easier said than done but you can do it.

I think its hard for most to walk up to random groups of people we don't know. It is sure as hell tough for me at times. Perhaps the thought of something being wrong with you may be haunting you the most. You have to go through some troubles but just remember, there is nothing "wrong" with you. You have been hurt but you are not damaged goods. You are a great person that has the capabilities of being just as social as anyone else. You'll find your mojo soon enough I'm sure.

Good luck and keep trying!
Jason

_________________________
Truth is the very reason we strive to live. It surrounds and resides within us. Accepting the truths we already know and seeking out those we do not is a direct path to inner balance and joy. For life is not a means to an end, but a journey. Life comes and goes but the truth will always live on.

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