28 years since i started the process of healing. A long time, a lot has been accomplished. Various therapists, groups, readings, personal study has provided much knowledge and a pathway to follow. Personal issues of depression, neurosis, anger, sadness, multiple personalities, self hate, destructive acting out, all have been experienced and given their fare share of attention and concern. Surviving a life in a cult with the raping, terror, many near death situations, killings, utter mind control and a willingness to serve at all costs and do what ever was requested was remembered and put away.
Vast amounts of growth, of healing, of accomplishing so very much more than ever expected has occurred in business, family and personal relationships. A good wife who made it safe and played a major role from the very beginning in all that has been done.
A new memory after all of this time recently seized me, slowed things way down, Little by little, pictures of me as a 12 to 14 year old being sexual with the two men who started abusing me at 8 and got me in the cult. Also there was the older teen who took over from them and continued the anal and oral sex and humiliation. All together, me experiencing anal sex as pleasurable for the first time vs being raped. It is like there was a bond between us, we were sexual with each other, I felt safe there, accepted, cared for, part of a family of sorts.
Why am I remembering this new information now? I have struggled with SSA for so long and what am I to think now that I can actually remember something somewhat positive from all of the negative? How does this whole event shed light on my struggle of being attracted to men?
Is this memory a predictor of things to come where my primary relationships will be with men? Or, is this memory indicating a picture of a young boy being used and abused totally inappropriately and something he never should have experienced? Something to look and and then let go and move on?
I need to process this new information. Hopefully, you my brothers will give me your valued perspectives as I slowly grind out the meaning for myself.
I am so grateful to be here, the acceptance, the caring, the coaching, the re-directing,the opportunity to give to others, the courage I see daily as you fight for your own recovery and healing. You all are an example to me and I appreciate it.