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#293891 - 07/01/09 11:34 PM I'm Going Back Again
Derdlecar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/08/05
Posts: 1314
Loc: Ogden Utah, USA
In January 2006 I posted what you see in quotes below.

Well, I'm going back to my home town the weekend of July 11. This time to present a sexual abuse prevention seminar. And yes, at times I feel just about as up tight about it as I did when going back to the little shack as described below.

I'm not an expert in this area except in the way that being a victim of childhood sexual abuse makes me one. What I really am is a person who cares passionately about the issue of sexual abuse and I am opening my mouth in a public way and speaking out.

If you are in, or are planning to be in Humboldt County on the California Coast and would be interested in attending, let me know, I'd like to have you there.

I know that I don't post on the MaleSurvivor site very often any more, but I just want to say that if it was not for MaleSurvivor and the friends here that have supported me, I don't think I would have the courage to do this. Thank you all for all your love and support over the years.

Love ya
Darrel

Quote:
I went back to the scene of the crime, where boys had their childhood snatched from them and were left with a hollow void filled only with an empty longing for what might have been. I went back to that little shack by the small airport where untold numbers of boys were raped and otherwise violated and plundered.

As drove to see my parents this last weekend and when I was only about 3 miles from their house, I saw the end of the runway. When I came to the short-cut over the hill, I hung a left and headed toward the little old shack where my life had been devastated. Little Darrel had a fit. My heart started pounding. I broke into a sweat and my knuckles turned white as I gripped the steering wheel. My wife asked me if I was ok, I snapped "yes!"

Below is what I saw:



I must tell you that the little guy was very much relieved when he saw this. Nothing left but the concrete foundation and all fenced off. It really did my heart good.

I so wanted to put a plaque on the fence in honor of all the boys who have been brutalized in that place, maybe someday I will. I know the names of 3 of the boys. But I have no idea how many more there were, but the perp was in charge of the civil air patrol cadets and we met in that shack. Go figure.

Anyway, I feel much better knowing that at least that place is out of business.

Darrel


If you are interested in seeing the original post with its thread, click on the link below.

I Went Back

_________________________
If a man would get his life on track, he must first go back to the place where it was derailed.

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#293895 - 07/02/09 12:56 AM Re: I'm Going Back Again [Re: Derdlecar]
Shadow+Walker Offline


Registered: 04/16/09
Posts: 287
Loc: desolate foggy nights, USA
Wow Darrel!

What an opportunity to help so many people and to also do something very positive for yourself as well! You have my thoughts and prayers as you undertake this endeavor.

A while back, I saw a picture of the house where I was molested. I was hoping that it had been demolished and built over. I was disappointed to see that it had been freshly painted, and landscaped. In spite of all the make-up, I still had a sense of dread well up in me when I saw it. I am really glad for you that you have a picture of the razed site and the fence. What I wish could be done emotionally happened for you in the real world. It just seems to say that nobody else will ever be hurt there again the way you were.

Peace,
Shadow+Walker

_________________________
For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, love and self discipline. (St Paul, 2Timothy 1:7) NIV

Check out a cool song by a hot band..."Unbreakable" by Fireflight: official video at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWRJAHaOrYg

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#293899 - 07/02/09 01:33 AM Re: I'm Going Back Again [Re: Derdlecar]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6816
Loc: USA
Wow! Darrel!

That's amazing.

I guess we all have a "shack". Mine was a tent. Broken hearts.

The drama you develop as you tell of the experience is gripping.

Let's make a full-length movie of it to get across our plight to many.

Alllen

pufferfish whistle


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#293901 - 07/02/09 02:17 AM Re: I'm Going Back Again [Re: Derdlecar]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6816
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Derdlecar

I went back to the scene of the crime, where boys had their childhood snatched from them and were left with a hollow void filled only with an empty longing for what might have been. I went back to that little shack by the small airport where untold numbers of boys were raped and otherwise violated and plundered.

As drove to see my parents this last weekend and when I was only about 3 miles from their house, I saw the end of the runway. When I came to the short-cut over the hill, I hung a left and headed toward the little old shack where my life had been devastated.



Your site has an "Auschwitz" like aura to it.

The "site" where I was viciously abused is now a public park. It doesn't look like the scene of mega-desolation of lots of boys, does it?



This site is in Maryland near the Chesapeake Bay. Now known as Calvert Cliffs State Park. Formerly known as Boy Scout Camp Theodore Roosevelt.

The abuse took place in a tent like this:



Allen

pufferfish whistle





Edited by pufferfish (07/09/09 01:26 AM)
Edit Reason: added picture of tent

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#293907 - 07/02/09 07:33 AM Re: I'm Going Back Again [Re: pufferfish]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Glad to hear of your progress in recovery and dedication toward the recovery cause, Darrel, and hope that your presentation goes well and is well-received by your audience. Over time I have revisited almost all of the sites of my own victimization. My parent's old house in Michigan, the scene of nearly 10 different incidents at the hands of 2 different church babysitters and the kid from next-door, has been torn-down and replaced by some ultra-modern mansion, though the next-door neighbor kid's parent's house is still there, and his now-aged mother still lives there. The scene of my most violent victimization has also been scraped and replaced by a condo project. This really only leaves a farm in rural Vermont between Chester and Ludlow that I have not revisited in my search for my freedom though I have been near it on the main highway there many times. When I was a lot younger I used to dream how I would get even with the owner of the farm, though I never got my chance, as his alcoholism killed him some years ago.

Hope that your involvement with the recovery cause helps you move in the direction of your complete freedom from your past.

Recovery is possible, and so is freedom.

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#294027 - 07/03/09 03:20 AM Re: I'm Going Back Again [Re: Trucker51]
Logan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/05/03
Posts: 1205
Loc: NY
This post is not easy for me to reply to, I was not going to at first. It stirs up a lot of stuff for me.

Last week I drove past the place that I was abused so many times. I had not thought of that place like that, since I had buried the memories of the abuse with later memories of getting drunk there in High School. When I think about this place a chill goes down my spine!

I like how you put this Allen " I guess we all have a shack." So true. and I agree with you about the "auschwitz aura" kinda industrial look I think.

Thank you for sharing this with us Darrel.

Logan

_________________________
"Terrible thing to live in Fear"-Shawshank Redemption
WOR Alumnus Hope Springs 2009
"Quite a thing to live in fear, this is what is means to be a slave"
-Blade Runner

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#294463 - 07/07/09 01:11 AM Re: I'm Going Back Again [Re: Logan]
Derdlecar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/08/05
Posts: 1314
Loc: Ogden Utah, USA
Thanks guys for your support. I know that it takes courage sometimes to even reply to a particular thread. I know how tough it can be at times when the memories come back and with them, the pain.

There is something about going back to where "IT" happened that stirs up all kinds of crap. As I said on a different thread, I know the names of 3 boys that were abused there. There is myself, my brother, and the third's name is Wayne and he is now on the FBI's most wanted list for having sex with minors. It is very good that the old shack is now nothing but a rubble heap. I think about that old shack, and the three of us that I know about and I'm sure that there were others. The pedophile was in charge of the flight of Civil Air Patrol cadets. And we all know why he took that job. I think about this and I get really pissed off. This crap has to stop. Enough already! When I was a kid I was to ashamed and scared to say a thing. But I have a voice and I know how to use it. I teach for a living so I know how to do that.

So, I am going back to that town and this time, not to see the ruins of the old shack but to speak out, to educate people about how real the threat is to their children and how they can keep their kids a whole lot safer.

Going back the first time was very therapeutic, and it may be again this time but I'm not doing it for that reason. If it is therapeutic, fine, wonderful and good. However, I'd still do it even if I knew that I would receive no therapeutic benefit. It is my hope that if enough people will listen and then get involved and speak out and actively do something in the fight against childhood sexual abuse than just maybe we can stop just 1 kid from having to live in this hell and maybe, just maybe one more and then another and another and some day maybe we can prevent abuse from happening to 100 kids then maybe 1000, and then . . . . .

Right now, this is my mission in life. I want this world to be a better place because Darrel was here. I want to see the statistics change in my lifetime. I want to be see the headlines in the paper say “Numbers down for Childhood Sexual Abuse”. And the story underneath will say that only 1 in 7 boys instead of 1 in 6 and 1 in 5 girls instead of 1 in 4 are now victims.

The only thing I know to do is to open my mouth and start talking. About 3 years ago I took a vow to speak out. In those days I was still scared of my own shadow, but not anymore. I believe that if more people know how real the the danger is to their children and grandchildren then more people will get on board and start to get involved in the fight against sexual abuse. Silence is the jungle in which these predators hide. Open discussion followed by action will start to defoliate that jungle; we can be the “agent orange” of Childhood Sexual Abuse and deny cover to pedophiles.

_________________________
If a man would get his life on track, he must first go back to the place where it was derailed.

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#294466 - 07/07/09 01:42 AM Re: I'm Going Back Again [Re: Derdlecar]
temeraire Offline


Registered: 05/25/09
Posts: 21
Loc: SOUTH AFRICA
Hi Guys, yes we all have "the Shack" where our innocense was ripped from us. Mine are the two house where my grandfather raped me for seven years of my life. The one place in a place called Howick in South Africa was where I blocked out the most. I went back there recently and only now do I remember clearly the final assault on me at the age of sixteen. This memory has come back with the most detail and is the most vivid and is now the hardest to deal with dam the pain is terrible.

Yes Derdlecar we must break the silence on this scurge that destoys so many lives. If we all do our part by bringing CSA into the light maybe we can save a whole lot of kids from going through what we have been through. I have been told that I must write a book by a number of people including my therapist and you Derdlecar have given me the courage to to pen to paper. Thaks Guys you are all amazing and all heroes.


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#294470 - 07/07/09 03:54 AM Re: I'm Going Back Again [Re: temeraire]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Hi Darrel,

Well, as you know, my "shack" was the scout cabin and I guess also the abuser's house, not to mention the pastor's study at the church we went to in those days. I no longer remember where the abuser lived, so I can't go see that house, but I have been back to both the scout cabin and the church several times. The last occasion was when I spoke to members of the church Session and reps from the council of churches about what happened to me under the auspices of the Presbyterian church.

There is indeed something remarkably therapeutic about revisiting these places, if and when we feel we can do that. To anyone thinking about this I would suggest don't push it if you feel it might be too much for you, and if possible go with someone you have disclosed to, in case you become overwhelmed. But it does help. On my last visit I was finally able to see the scout cabin as what it was, just a building. What made it evil for me was an evil man who is now long since dead.

That's great you're going to speak out. I wish I could be there to support you, but you know I will be thinking of you. All the very best to you, my friend, as you speak out in support of boys and men who don't yet have their voice. I'm sure this will be an important contribution to your own healing journey.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#294670 - 07/08/09 08:14 PM Re: I'm Going Back Again [Re: Derdlecar]
Geeders Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 1901
Loc: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
Hi Darrel:

Wow! What an empowering post! I can see you doing this! I can see you in my mind, before a hushed audience, the audience gobsmacked, thinking: Does this really happen?

Earlier tonight, I PM'd Mogigo (Mike) on this very topic. Because he chose to participate in the video that was produced by the Gatehouse in Toronto, and because he participated in a real, honest to god Survivors panel after the video was presented at the Men of Courage Conference, and because he chose to offer me support here in my early days at MS, I was able to reclaim my life back from the edge.

I wish you nothing but the best as you combine your passion with your mission. Go out there and save a life Darrel!

Jim

_________________________
My name is Jim
WoR Mysthaven 2008, Level 2 WoR Alta 2009, Kirkridge 2010, 2011, Oprah 200 men

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