Mark, thank you for having the courage to post your story. You went through hell and it gives me strength to know that despite this, you have prevailed in many ways - such as being a dad.
Your story was the first I read since registering. I was also abused, in my case by my older brother, and I really need to find some help because it is f*cking up my life. Being here is my first step. My story is similar to the extent that the abusive events somehow made it more likely that further difficulties would come to me. I was in 5th grade and we had just moved to another state, and I was lost and lonely with no friends when my brother (the 'man of the family') invited me to his bedroom and had me masturbate him. I knew about masterbation, and had even jerked off with a friend when I was in 3rd grade, but this was something new, doing it TO someone. He came on my hand and laughed, and I thought it was gross and felt ashamed and embarassed. I returned to my bedroom and some time later - some days or weeks later - my brother returned and showed me how to make my armpit like a pussy, so he could fuck it. I don't recall how that even worked out, but it was not long before he asked me to suck his penis and he sucked mine. It was both a turn on, and disgusting. This went on for a period of 2-3 years. All the while, this brother was the older of the 2 kids at home, and was routinely preferred by my macho just-recovered alcoholic Dad, who did not like me. While they went out, I stayed at home and learned to knit. I started getting in trouble at school and of course incurred the wrath of my father, would would beat me with a hairbrush on my ass. I became a momma's boy at home, but she was an untrustworthy two-faced person too, so I really had no adult I could trust. The abuse ended around 7th or 8th grade - and 2 interstate moves and several schools later - when my brother finally got a girlfriend. But by then I was well-acquainted with what it was to be used by someone, and how allowing someone to get their way provided me with a kind of protection or cover in the chaotic and sick family environment I was raised in. Over time, I found myself unable to be in sports because the aggression amongst males scared me; and somehow I developed into a kind of 'safe' guy that (in my opinion) is devoid of male energy. I am afraid of the kind of male aggression I perceive in others and in myself. So I spent my years being friends with women (but actually wanting to be in their pants, but not having the courage to act because I had so many doubts), and so on. I did become a dad, which I am forever grateful for (despite the fact that the kids can be like little monsters!
but I actually was corraled into this by my wife, who was desperate. Ditto getting married: I was kind of forced into it by my then-girlfriend. So anyway, my aftermath is that I see myself as not really a real man...because I never could get it together to ask girls to dance (or to be on a date even); could not ask my wife to marry me (because I just could not do it); could not make a decision to try for kids (had to be kind of cajoled into it); and never really makes decisive moves. I seem alwayys to be in a kind of suspended animation in the matters of life. And it is driving me crazy and I connect it to these past sexual exploits, which hurt me deeply.
I'd love to hear from anyone for whom any of what i described sounds familiar. I just need to start having a dialogue.