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#293783 - 07/01/09 02:22 AM Never Look At Your High School Year Book
Clockwise Offline


Registered: 03/03/09
Posts: 302
Loc: Pennsylvania
Never look at your high school year book unless you actually enjoyed high school. Now, if you were like me and it was nothing more than hell than doing so will make you feel worst than you already do.

Yeah, I whiped the dust off my year book a little while ago and flipped through the pages. Lots of faces of people I didn't even know but still seem to recognize. It was only two years ago that I graduated but it feels light-years away. I'm sort of happy and sad at the same time. When I graduated I felt so free but I regret not having an close friends.

I remember hating every moment of high school. I wasn't picked on or bullied or anything. Nobody really knew me well enough to do that. There were times I wish I was just so I knew someone out there acknowledged me. My life now is very similar. All those people and even the ones I was somewhat friendly with I still wouldn't feel comfortable walking up and talking to now. That's how far into my rabbit hole I've crawled. But, the thing is, there's safty in this rabbit hole. If I stay inside all day than nothing and nobody can hurt me, right? Doesn't that make sense?

I can't stand my life now just like I couldn't stand high school. I hated many of the guys there because of the way they acted. Sleeping with any and every girl that opened their legs to them, partying, drinking and smoking. I had so little respect for them but I would have given my left arm to be just like them. Many of them were assholes but I admired them like they were heroes. I wrote in my journal many times about how I want to be just like them.

So I flipped through my year book and looked at all the photos of clubs and teams. Hundreds of pictures and words. I think my picture is in there once or twice for my class photo and my individual. I know everyone has regrets but it seems like the majority of my life has just been one big regret. I don't want to die wondering what could have been of me. I don't want to leave this earth wanting for anything. I want to be satified. I want to have joy and live on the edge. I to wake up to something new everyday. I'm tired of planning my entire day around getting the mail out of my mailbox like I do now.

30 years from now I want to look back on 19-year-old Terrick and smile. I just want the boy in me to be happy. I want him to have friends because right now, he's the only one who knows he's alive. I want to change that. But, I'm still afraid. I've gotten so used to my rabbit hole and to the way my life is that I don't know if I could handle a change.

Guys, I know I always sound like I'm begging but I'm on my knees here. Any words, good or bad, will help me stand up. Just say anything.

Thanks.

Terrick

_________________________
Yet another 24 hours.

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#293788 - 07/01/09 03:54 AM Re: Never Look At Your High School Year Book [Re: Clockwise]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
I had a lot of fun in high school, though almost none of it actually in school. I have some close friends from that era still. I enjoy heading back to my old neighborhood just to reminisce about the good times that we had when we weren't in school. It sounds like you need to get out more. Try to get out and take a chance on meeting some new friends so that you can have some good memories to look back on. There are online friendship sites out there where you could get to know other people before you get to meet them. What interests do you have? What kinds of recreation do you enjoy? Maybe buy a Frisbee then head to a park and try throwing it around if there is anyone else there doing the same thing. Do you enjoy talking about politics or the economy? There are groups of people who enjoy doing that.

Why don't you try looking-up an online chat and friendship site? It may take a little while but sooner or later you will probably make and meet some friends there. Get back out there and try to get another job. Once we are out of school we tend to meet new friends at work. Maybe hang around the dairy bar or just the bar. I met quite a few new friends at bars when I was younger. It takes some spendable cash to be able to get out there and take these kinds of chances on finding friends. Did you ever get your car fixed yet? Here in Denver they are selling little 50cc scooters for $800 that will run 35 mph and get 90 mpg, which don't even need licenses or insurance. If you had one of them you would have a wider range of possibility.

Just have to take a chance or two and get out there. Sitting home like a bump on a log isn't much fun.

Hope that this helps a little bit,

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#293811 - 07/01/09 08:50 AM Re: Never Look At Your High School Year Book [Re: Trucker51]
Stormpen Offline


Registered: 06/25/09
Posts: 19
Loc: NYC, US
Terrick,

I totally get where you're coming from here, a great deal of what you said found mirrors in me. Never the most sociable of animals, I retreated even further several years ago when I first started dealing with my past, to the point where I was a complete recluse (I don't know if I get extra points for managing this in a crowded city, still waiting for the judge's decision on that one).

Over the last year, I've slowly been taking steps to branch out, by joining groups that are interested in the kinds of things I am too. Not necessarily to meet people and make friends, etc., but to kind of crack the door on that possibility.

I found having a furry friend around helped enormously as well, in that there were no trust issues (well, aside from one feline incident involving a crane, a bank robber's mask, and a stash of catnip - I did not know cats could do that).
Seriously though, dogs, cats, rabbits, whatever animal you feel close to, and can share tactile affection with, helps a little.

I think the important thing is to recognize that you have wounds that you are working on healing. As for branching out, I wouldn't presume to tell you how. Some people do it far better with tiny steps taken one at a time (me), others kind of jump out the airplane door, yanking their chute cord as they go yelling "Wa-hey!". Sometimes that little step is choosing between staying at home by myself, or going to watch a movie by myself. The latter is a tiny, tiny step - but at least I'm out of the house.

Whatever you decide to do, know that you are not alone in being alone. Been there, done that, and while it was necessary for me at one point, that need ended, and now I get to go out and bug the general populace.

Dave


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#294021 - 07/03/09 02:31 AM Re: Never Look At Your High School Year Book [Re: Stormpen]
Logan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/05/03
Posts: 1205
Loc: NY
Terrick, I too hated my HS experience. Towards the end in my senior year, I just tried to stay as far under the radar ads possible, I hated myself so much and the shame was unbearable. I just tried to avoid any ridicule because I had such a low opinion of myself, this is not easy to talk about for me but is good that I do so.

Yeah I recently checked out my yeah book and it was as depressing as you say, with all of the pictures in there, there is only one of me!!! And it is sad to think about it and particularly sad if I believe that my life from that/this point on will continue in a similar fashion-socially very isolated.
I tell myself that it won't be that way and I know that it won't because of how much I have learned and gained with knowing that I am a good person and worthy of having a wonderful life.

I want to remind you that you are still young and have plenty of time--that was a big issue for me always feeling like I was running out of time. Like I was supposed to be somewhere else in the social stature and was never gonna get there and always trying to catch up. I hope that makes sense to you I realize now that life is a process!!! I can't stress that enough.
I know that I can NOT change the past and what ever happened, happened, but it is over and I can move on and change the world around me! I don't have to be stuck in anyplace and have so much more freedom to make decisions that effect me and my environment. It is so liberating to feel this way especially after feeling so alone in this world.

I remember what it felt like to idolize those losers in HS, and sure it is sad looking in the yearbook and seeing all of their faces and thinking that they were so fortunate to never have to deal with the kind of stuff that I went through. But, I don't look to the past for answers and hope, for that I look to my future and imagine it as something to look forward to. I believe that this is the most healthy way to view my world.

I really hopes this helps you. Please know that you are definitely Not alone on this, Ok?


Oh BTW, Dave I know what you mean by the crowded city thing in NYC. I personally resonate with that statement. I think this is because although New York is very populated it is by the same turn very Isolating.


I also like Marks suggestions, that is one thing you can count on from Mark is that he usually has Good ideas and he Always has ideas. Cool suggestions Mark.

Logan
Take care guys

_________________________
"Terrible thing to live in Fear"-Shawshank Redemption
WOR Alumnus Hope Springs 2009
"Quite a thing to live in fear, this is what is means to be a slave"
-Blade Runner

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#294270 - 07/05/09 03:51 AM Re: Never Look At Your High School Year Book [Re: Logan]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Terrick,

Isolation is a terrible thing. I fell deep into that when I was in high school and I didn't even realize it. I just thought I wasn't good enough to have real friends, when in reality I was withdrawing from almost everyone I met - except in the Boy Scouts, and that was problematic because it was through that connection that the abuse started. When I went off to college I think I must have been determined to reinvent myself, or rather, drown my pain about the previous years in alcohol and drugs. Of course, that wasn't very productive either.

Can I suggest that in trying to deal with this problem you start from where you are right now? Try not to dwell on the past, which is gone - you can't change it. Look back to see what can be learned from the past, but try to aim only for points you can use right now. We so often tend to beat ourselves up over the past, but personally, I think that's a bad idea.

And try to allow yourself to think positively about "being Terrick". Instead of thinking, "I don't know how to do a or b or c", think in terms of what you would like to try to do. Just because you haven't done these things in the past, it doesn't mean you can't start on them now and do well.

And how about joining some organization that promotes something you think you might like to try. I belong to a blues guitar organization, for example, and we get new guys all the time, lots older than you, who are absolute beginners and still have a great time learning. I was very nervous when I joined up, but it was wonderful. No one knew me as anything except the American with the old Dobro, and that was very refreshing. Getting into activities like this can also sow the seeds of good friendships.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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