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#293697 - 06/30/09 07:01 PM I'm really pissed off..... (May Trigger Warning)
Charlie24 Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
I'm finally letting it out. I'm allowing myself to have anger and let it out.

I've been thinking about something that has been bothering me for some time now.

I recently had a birthday, turned 25 years old on May 30. I realized at the time I had my b-day with held from my profile for viewing and that may be part of the problem.

Marvin, my good friend Marvin was so kind to make a post about wishing me happy b-day. It meant so much to me that someone cared, some reached out, I didn't have to shout it out as I so often do, someone else took the steps for once.

I was frustrated by the fact that I thought I had friends here, guys who cared about me, wanted to help me. But Marvin was the only one who took the initiative.

I see other guys getting posts for b-days and what not getting posts and several replies.

It made me wonder if people do care about me. For so long it seems like I have scream to be heard in life, get tired of that shit as well.

I also realized after an incident on here that I don't need people here to make me feel happy. It needs to come with in and is going to start coming from within effective immediately.

The flood gates have opened and I'm gonna get angry, and mad and frustrated, cause this is part of the healing process.

No more putting myself aside for others feelings, issues concerns, its me this time.

No more apologizing for myself.

I had a revelation on Sunday night. I've been having a fantasy while masturbating and I had a couple flashbacks. I now understand why I've been having this fantasy, I've been fantasizing about my abuse. Woohoo, what a turning point and revelation in my recovery process as they say. This is a big freaking step and I'm so proud of it for me. I figured it out on my own.

It felt good to have an answer, idea, understanding of my fantasies.

It feels good to get this shit of me. Air my dirty laundry as they say, start to pull out those skeletons that have been hiding in my closet.

It's finally important to realize I matter, I'm important, I'm worthy and I'm a valuable human being.

People who go around putting down others are bullies, who really just hate themselves so much they get off on hurting others or hope to get a rise out of people for attention. They are attention whores, they need it to survive, feel good.

Charles is a good man. He is caring, kind, genuine, loving and most importantly he is HONEST.

He tries and finds the good in others, in things, in life, even though others try to bring it down.

I've really made so much progress in my recovery. Joel was right about that, my friend, very wise of you to say that. You have to stop yourself and remind yourself how far you've come in your recovery. Spoken like a true survivor.

It feels so good to be able to stand up to my sister who verbally abused me growing up, to tell her to F off. To stand up to my father who verbally abused me and made physical threats.

It feels good to stand up to others in life and be assertive. I am assertive and have made so much progress in doing that.

I'm going to start saying to myself for 30 days that I love myself. It's gonna be hard, it's gonna be hell, but it's gonna be worth, give it a try my friend, you might learn a few things.

I'm gonna try and open up my heart and unlock myself from this prison I am in, also from Joel and Daryl. Good advice guys. I'm gonna try and let some love it and let myself experience the joys that come with love, by loving myself.

Well world this Charlie and he is here to f#*#ing stay, no more of this bullshit hiding back. Start telling it like it is.

I'm having a shitty day today. I'm entitled to that, just like so many of you having shitty days. I have good days and I'm thankful, grateful for those days.

Seem to be having more and more these days. Helps cancel out the bad days.

This is me taking a stand and letting all those who really wanna know how I am, truly how I am doing. See guys I did finally answer, just took me a while.

Thanks guys for this site and for the support here. I'm starting to see it helps, in small minuscule ways it really seems to be helping.

Charlie.




Edited by Charlie24 (06/30/09 10:16 PM)

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#293700 - 06/30/09 07:06 PM Re: I'm really pissed off..... (May Trigger Warning) [Re: Charlie24]
friendinneed Offline


Registered: 06/04/09
Posts: 107
Hey Charlie,

Well let me first say Happy B-Lated Birth day. Sorry missed it at the time. I will echo you on you being a good, caring, great guy. Beleive it! You every bit as deserving of self-praise. You have been awesome support for me these past few weeks. I wanted you to know you are appreciated.

Peace my friend, Shaun/friendinneed


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#293709 - 06/30/09 07:33 PM Re: I'm really pissed off..... (May Trigger Warning) [Re: friendinneed]
b869 Offline


Registered: 01/26/09
Posts: 767
Loc: Philippines
((((((((((((((((((((CHARLIE!))))))))))))))))))))

I'm proud of ya bud!

Originally Posted By: Charlie24
No more putting myself aside for others feelings, issues concerns, its me this time.

No more apologizing for myself.


One day I wish I could learn how to do this...

Originally Posted By: Charlie24
Charles is a good man. He is caring, kind, genuine, loving and most importantly he is HONEST.


You have helped me out a lot. I may not say much about it but you kind words always have cheered me.

Thanks for being there bud!

Marvin smile




Edited by b869 (07/02/09 02:29 AM)
Edit Reason: made the hug a BIG HUG!
_________________________

When thing get complicated go back to simplicity

Harvey Fierstein
Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.

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#293712 - 06/30/09 07:49 PM Re: I'm really pissed off..... (May Trigger Warning) [Re: Charlie24]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
Originally Posted By: Charlie24
It's finally important to realize I matter, I'm important, I'm worthy and I'm a valuable human being.....Charles is a good man. He is caring, kind, genuine, loving and most importantly he is HONEST.....Well world this Charlie and he is here to fucking stay, no more of this bullshit hiding back. Start telling it like it is.
First of all my good friend, Charlie, had I known that it was your birthday, sadly for you, I'd have sung Happy Birthday to you at the top of my lungs so that you could have heard me all the way to where you are!!!

Secondly, I approve 100% with everything that you said above. smile

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#293717 - 06/30/09 08:13 PM Re: I'm really pissed off..... (May Trigger Warning) [Re: joelRT]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2434
Loc: TEXAS
HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY CHARLIE24.

To me and others on this web site, YOU DO MATTER. You are worthy of my appreciation.

A powerful post too.

I usually read the birthday list on our side bar. But for some reason I missed you.

So for your belated birthday present,

Little Pete & big Pete, offer you our compassion, understanding and love.

Heal well Charlie24 my brother/friend.

Pete (irishmoose)

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#293847 - 07/01/09 06:39 PM Re: I'm really pissed off..... (May Trigger Warning) [Re: petercorbett]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Happy birthday Charlie 25!!! Halfway to 50!!! You can add your birthdate to your profile so that this doesn't happen again.

Glad to hear that you are feeling a little better about yourself.

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#293850 - 07/01/09 07:18 PM Re: I'm really pissed off..... (May Trigger Warning) [Re: Charlie24]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
Charlie,

Being able to be who we are and express how we truly feel is often hard. But I am glad that you were able to get this off your chest. You deserve to be able to do it as well as anyone else here or out in the 3-D world.

Take good care of you.


Daryl



Edited by prisonerID (07/01/09 07:21 PM)
_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#293862 - 07/01/09 09:06 PM Re: I'm really pissed off..... (May Trigger Warning) [Re: prisonerID]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Charlie,

Yes, there does seem to be this unwritten and unspoken convention on the site about how an ability to attract responses somehow reflects the merit of the initial post - and of the guy who posted it. But believe me, it just ain't so! cry

I once commented on a new thread with some totally idiotic remark, for example, and that remark launched the thread into more than 100 comments - all of them as inane as mine! laugh I mean, okay, the whole thing was fun - but real value????????????

On the other hand, I started a thread once with a post about a movie I liked - I really thought I had something to say! But the rest of the site just let it pass and I don't think it got a single response.

So, the moral of the story is that we just never know when a post will take off into a major thread and when it won't. It's one of those crazy things about the Internet. But certainly it doesn't reflect on our value as men or the value of what we need to say.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#293871 - 07/01/09 10:15 PM Re: I'm really pissed off..... (May Trigger Warning) [Re: roadrunner]
Shadow+Walker Offline


Registered: 04/16/09
Posts: 287
Loc: desolate foggy nights, USA
Hey Charlie,

Happy belated Birthday. I don't know how I missed it but I have been trying to send Birthday greetings via PM to all the active members. I have no explanation how I missed seeing yours Bro. If I had I would have PMed you. I'll try better next year. Thanks for understanding.

Peace,
Shadow+Walker

_________________________
For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, love and self discipline. (St Paul, 2Timothy 1:7) NIV

Check out a cool song by a hot band..."Unbreakable" by Fireflight: official video at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWRJAHaOrYg

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#293873 - 07/01/09 10:24 PM Re: I'm really pissed off..... (May Trigger Warning) [Re: Charlie24]
Casmir213 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/09
Posts: 845
Loc: Northeast, USA
Happy Birthday Charlie,

That was an incredibly powerful post Charlie. I'm glad I could witness it. I support you in your efforts to break the mold and own all of who you are, because you're right all of who you are is valuable.

You deserve to be able to have a bad day and be able to express it in anger when that's what you're feeling. More power to you.

I'm also glad to hear of the other successes you mentioned in your post (insights, being assertive) and that you're getting something real out of being here. That is encouraging for us all to hear.

Thanks for being you Charlie,

Rocco

_________________________
I see recovery as a lifelong journey rather than a final destination, a journey, though, which can have many successes along the way.

WoR Alumnus - Hope Springs, OH, October 2009

My avatar is the farmhouse at the Hope Spring, OH WoR. It's a nice place.

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#293881 - 07/01/09 11:00 PM Re: I'm really pissed off..... (May Trigger Warning) [Re: Shadow+Walker]
Shadow+Walker Offline


Registered: 04/16/09
Posts: 287
Loc: desolate foggy nights, USA
Charlie,

I also want to say, congratulations on your breakthrough. It is so cool when it happens. It doesn't happen on its own, but through hard work and determination. The only thing we can't control is when the moment arrives and when it does it takes us by surprise.

Here is a video from my heart to yours to celebrate with. I didn't post it, just found it. Click here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XtiXiYMS86U

Celebrations,
Shadow+Walker

_________________________
For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, love and self discipline. (St Paul, 2Timothy 1:7) NIV

Check out a cool song by a hot band..."Unbreakable" by Fireflight: official video at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWRJAHaOrYg

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#293890 - 07/01/09 11:33 PM Re: I'm really pissed off..... (May Trigger Warning) [Re: Casmir213]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6847
Loc: USA
Happy late Birthday Charlie laugh laugh laugh

Sorry I missed it



Allen

pufferfish whistle


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#294020 - 07/03/09 01:54 AM Re: I'm really pissed off..... (May Trigger Warning) [Re: pufferfish]
Logan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/05/03
Posts: 1205
Loc: NY
Happy B-Day Charlie. Sorry i missed it as well.
25 huh. i think that was a pretty good year for me, hope it is for you too. I'm 28 and made a lot of progress since then.

I definitely have to agree with what Larry said in that the number of replies a post gets does NOT make it more or less valuable even though it does seem like that much of the time.

I know for myself that I usually don't receive many replies. I just attribute it to the way I feel about many posts here--Often I will read a post and receive a lot of help and support from it but I won't know exactly how to reply so I just don't.
In fact, most of the help I get from MS is just from reading other people's posts and just the ability to express myself.

I agree though that seeing that other people have replied makes it seems like they care more. I will try to be more responsive to to you and keep you on the lookout.

Take care and feel better,
Logan

_________________________
"Terrible thing to live in Fear"-Shawshank Redemption
WOR Alumnus Hope Springs 2009
"Quite a thing to live in fear, this is what is means to be a slave"
-Blade Runner

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#294162 - 07/04/09 03:22 AM Re: I'm really pissed off..... (May Trigger Warning) [Re: Logan]
nomansanisland Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/09
Posts: 156
Loc: NM
happy bday charlie...i just want you to know that youre loved here, and part of my day each day. wishing you all the love taht you give to others...remember, if you are not for you than who???
patrick nomansanisland...

_________________________
" If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drum. Let him step to the music he hears, however measured or far away." Henry David Thoreau

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#294413 - 07/06/09 04:03 PM Re: I'm really pissed off..... (May Trigger Warning) [Re: Casmir213]
Barney Offline


Registered: 07/31/06
Posts: 236
Loc: Southern Utah/Northern Arizon
Charlie,

I am one of your biggest fans here. Not sure how I missed the birthday and you have every right to be acknowledged by those of us who care. Will do better next time.

Glad your speaking up for what you need and want. Nice to see you doing that as it is further eveidence of you continue to get better at taking care of you. A good example for the rest of us.

Thanks,

Ron


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#294419 - 07/06/09 04:57 PM Re: I'm really pissed off..... (May Trigger Warning) [Re: Barney]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Happy Birthday Charlie.

Wow. What a great post. I almost did not respond out of fear. I fear anger and responding to anger. But, I realize rage was the "feeling" expressed not anger in my family.

We do not know each very well so hopefully you not take my forgetting your birthday personally. Although, It has been said to me "notice me" by others I have NO clue sometimes.

In my family of origin, personal holidays like birthdays are a day to be shamed NOT a day of celebration. I felt ashamed for even having a birthday and even at age 8 if I voiced a want for a present I was told how do you think you are. I have had 45 birthdays. The adults in my family say I do not celebrate my birthday as birthdays are for kids.

Also, I am not sure how to see birthdays in this website.

I do care for you and for your recovery. You are an inspiration. I would have like to have been like you when I was 25.

Peace,
DJ



Edited by DJsport (07/06/09 05:02 PM)
_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#331889 - 05/24/10 03:39 AM Re: I'm really pissed off..... (May Trigger Warning) [Re: DJsport]
Charlie24 Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
Hey guys I just wanna say I'm not trying to highjack Male Survivor or the threads this evening/morning depending on where you are at in our world. I have a lot to say right now. I just have to be more assertive in my life. Say what I mean and feel and I'm feeling a lot right now.

I had a realization tonight about myself. I allow myself to fall back into old patterns and then try and pull out the I'm a victim of csa card. Well it's gotta stop.

I have to take responsibility for myself, be assertive, stand up for me, for Charlie. Stand up for that scared little boy.

A great friend here, no longer with the site unfortunately, reminded me about progress in our recovery. Yes I do believe this may be a life long battle for myself with moving forward. He said to me, you have to look back and really see how far you've come in your recovery. Well guess what this post showed me how to look back and see how far I've come, how much I've grown and I really do owe a big thanks to Male Survivor, better than any of the shitty therapists I've seen in my past, but I also owe a big thanks that guy named Charlie. For the progress he's made in his life and for the goals and accomplishments he is achieving, his willing to stick with it even when times get tough and hang on with the hopes of succeeding in life, and in college and in recovery.

It's funny reading the title of this topic, cause in a way I'm pissed off again, not at you guys, no I think it may be more internally directed, but I have to let this anger out, I can't let it eat me up inside and make me a bitter old man. No thank you I want to live a long and healthy life.

Seeing this post, reading my other posts, I hope that this can be a beacon for all the men who have made progress and are making progress. Remember to look back and see how far you've come.

Okay it's getting late here and it's time for bed.

Charlie


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#331892 - 05/24/10 04:47 AM Re: I'm really pissed off..... (May Trigger Warning) [Re: Charlie24]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
Hey Charlie,

In case I'm not on site on the 30th...Happy Birthday!! in advance. Good to "see" you again. That's a big step when you admit you've even used the victim card let alone make the conscious determination to not use it. You're not just gonna be a survivor, but a thriver!

Kevin

_________________________
the family
the perp

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#333790 - 06/15/10 08:33 AM Re: I'm really pissed off..... (May Trigger Warning) [Re: sono]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 666
Yeah, Charlie, I found this post looking up "victim" here since I have been using "the card". I've got to find out when/why I pull it out. I will be reading more posts, because being MAD is not the same as playing the victim. Bullshit!! Thanks for sharing your struggle. It helped me identify mine as well.


And congrats on your growth. It is a how-to for me and many others. Thank you.

Alfred

P.S. Happy Belated!


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