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#293839 - 07/01/09 05:28 PM Re: [Re: Sans Logos]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
.




Edited by Freedom49 (05/21/10 06:17 PM)

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#293848 - 07/01/09 07:00 PM Re: SSA or Gay [Re: Freedom49]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
thanks for saying all that roger. it is very clarifying to hear it and i appreciate all the heart and soul that went into making that reply.

when i first read thru your post, i thought, well this thread is really meant to speak to people who are struggling with ssa, which i am not, so i probably have nothing to contribute.

but what had elicited a response from me was the title, which seemed like an invitation to rehash the generality of the gay/ssa conversations that had preceded it in these forums so many times before.

your response shows me that the conversation had transcended that level into more specific territory as it relates to sexually abused males who are struggling with the contradictions between their own natural orientations and their attractions toward males for simple male bonding.

Quote:
I have read in studies on developmental stages in males would support that at least most boys do tend to gravitate toward their own sex in early development and not for sexual reasons.


ahhhhh, that's much better :-) when i saw that i immediately remembered how all through elementary school days, i would stand on the side of the school yard at recess and watch as the boys interacted, never quite 'getting it', but rather felt more comfortable fitting in with the girls and playing jump rope with them. it was not that i feared jumping into the frey with the rest of the fellows, but rather that there was no 'draw' for me to do so.

and that is important for me, because had the been an element of fear involved, then, as an older male with new processing mechanisms and filtering techniques, my red flags would raise to wonder 'why' that would be the case.

outside of school i did have male friends at home, two in particular, one of which tried to have sex with me, but i was too afraid and confused by his advance, and did not know how to respond, and just retreated from the experience. that was a simple situation [i imagine] of boys experimenting. he was not 'gay' but i was deeply in love with him both before and after that experience.

i was in the boy scouts as well, and many of the males i encountered there were peers, but i still had crushes on a lot of them, not necessarily because they invoked a power that i seemed to lack, but 'just because'.

another memory of mine of my boyhood crushes, was of johhny crawford, who was the son of lucas mccain in the tv series, the rifleman from 1958-1963. those would have been the years i was ages 5 thru 10, prior to my abuse. i can't honestly say i have any memories of anything that would have caused me to feel such deep passion for that little lucas mccain. but, i did, and he melted me, made me weak in the knees, even at that young age, everytime i would see him, and hear him speak. go figure!?

please allow me to apologize again for barging into a thread that really had no bearing on me. still, i must confess, anytime i see the words 'unhealthy' in the same context as the words 'gay' and 'ssa', i automatically shift into the mode of being judged, and when that happens, i seem to instinctively react as if coming to the defense of the defenseless.

but thanks to you and this thread, and i am learning to look before i leap. this was and is indeed a teachable moment for me.

all the best,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#293856 - 07/01/09 08:26 PM Re: [Re: Sans Logos]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
.




Edited by Freedom49 (05/21/10 06:17 PM)

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#293938 - 07/02/09 12:58 PM Re: SSA or Gay [Re: Freedom49]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
I don't struggle with SSA or the gay issue. My struggles are with porn and allot of what is being shared in this post I can strongly relate to.

Roger- "It is usually the need to get off and does not concern who,when and where. Love and devotion and other emotions usually do not even come into the experience and the contrary a numbing,shame and isolate is the usually the outcome."

Just Scott- "When I feel safe,strong and not triggered, I feel no SSA whatsoever. When I am in a bad place though, I struggle with it. I find myself with this drive for sex. No desire for relationship or anything like that. Just sex, Just like when i was used as a child."

In fact I feel that being gay is a sexual origination.

Where as SSA is a patholical response to deal with the hurt and shame from the experience of being abused as a child.
Guys who struggle with SSA use men in order to find relief from their pain. And us guys that struggle with porn addiction use the images from the mag, dvd or what ever to find our relief. And then their are those men whom have multible sexual encounters with women for their fixes for the pain they feel. I think where your struggle lies with what sex you bonded or did not bond to as a child. Or if you even bond to anyone.
In short it is a learned behavior that we use to cope with the pain of being csa victims.

My question is how do we overcome these behaviors? Or can they truely be overcome?

Mike




_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#293961 - 07/02/09 04:02 PM Re: [Re: michael banks]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
.




Edited by Freedom49 (05/21/10 06:18 PM)

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#293995 - 07/02/09 11:15 PM Re: SSA or Gay [Re: Freedom49]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
wink good stuff Roger

_________________________
Thriving

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#295555 - 07/16/09 12:58 PM Re: SSA or Gay [Re: mogigo]
starman77 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/03/09
Posts: 36
Loc: Illinois
Roger,

Thanks you so much for this post. I have unwanted ssa and at times it drives me crazy. I am married and love my wife. I know if I act I would loose a lot.
You have put this issue up for discussion and I have learned so much about ssa,it is complicated issue your post has cleared things up for me.
Thanks

Jerry


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#295562 - 07/16/09 02:24 PM Re: SSA or Gay [Re: starman77]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Hi, all.

This is my personal opinion and personal life story NOT an argument for or against being called names nor is this an opinion for being labeled gay nor is this an argument for others having unwanted ssa feelings.

I have been out for nearly 20 years. I was married for 5 years before then and have two wonderful kids.

I left the marriage to be me for which I could not be me because I was being intimate with a women and I wanted to be intimate with a man.

I was not having memories of the csa when I got married or divorced.

I have the "affects" from the csa which have NOTHING to do with my attractions. My fear of NOT having enough money has nothing to with my ssa feelings. My internal dialogue "i am not good enough" has everything to do with my abuser NOT with my desires for the same sex.

I am not physically attracted to girls/women and have NEVER been attracted to females. I got married to show others I could do better than my parents at being married. I was lying at being married - plane and simple.

Being gay is a label and having ssa feelings is fact. To me they both refer to the same thing. I spend very little energy and time defining them for me.

I support all of you in whatever effort you need to go through to be happy and at peace with yourself.

Peace,
DJ

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#299393 - 08/15/09 11:40 AM Re: SSA or Gay caution may trigger [Re: Freedom49]
dave999 Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/07/08
Posts: 23
Loc: Canada
My experiences would support the two concepts. I was abused as a child by my mother. I had repressed this reality for my entire life - 2 years ago it surfaced - I found an unbelievable force pulling me to men - I was not physically attracted to them - I ended up acting on these - each time I would dissociate - leave the experience feeling depressed, full of shame and guilt, and very confused about my sexual identity - the de>

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#299406 - 08/15/09 02:18 PM Re: [Re: dave999]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
.




Edited by Freedom49 (05/21/10 06:15 PM)

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