thanks for saying all that roger. it is very clarifying to hear it and i appreciate all the heart and soul that went into making that reply.
when i first read thru your post, i thought, well this thread is really meant to speak to people who are struggling with ssa, which i am not, so i probably have nothing to contribute.
but what had elicited a response from me was the title, which seemed like an invitation to rehash the generality of the gay/ssa conversations that had preceded it in these forums so many times before.
your response shows me that the conversation had transcended that level into more specific territory as it relates to sexually abused males who are struggling with the contradictions between their own natural orientations and their attractions toward males for simple male bonding.
I have read in studies on developmental stages in males would support that at least most boys do tend to gravitate toward their own sex in early development and not for sexual reasons.
ahhhhh, that's much better :-) when i saw that i immediately remembered how all through elementary school days, i would stand on the side of the school yard at recess and watch as the boys interacted, never quite 'getting it', but rather felt more comfortable fitting in with the girls and playing jump rope with them. it was not that i feared jumping into the frey with the rest of the fellows, but rather that there was no 'draw' for me to do so.
and that is important for me, because had the been an element of fear involved, then, as an older male with new processing mechanisms and filtering techniques, my red flags would raise to wonder 'why' that would be the case.
outside of school i did have male friends at home, two in particular, one of which tried to have sex with me, but i was too afraid and confused by his advance, and did not know how to respond, and just retreated from the experience. that was a simple situation [i imagine] of boys experimenting. he was not 'gay' but i was deeply in love with him both before and after that experience.
i was in the boy scouts as well, and many of the males i encountered there were peers, but i still had crushes on a lot of them, not necessarily because they invoked a power that i seemed to lack, but 'just because'.
another memory of mine of my boyhood crushes, was of johhny crawford, who was the son of lucas mccain in the tv series, the rifleman from 1958-1963. those would have been the years i was ages 5 thru 10, prior to my abuse. i can't honestly say i have any memories of anything that would have caused me to feel such deep passion for that little lucas mccain. but, i did, and he melted me, made me weak in the knees, even at that young age, everytime i would see him, and hear him speak. go figure!?
please allow me to apologize again for barging into a thread that really had no bearing on me. still, i must confess, anytime i see the words 'unhealthy' in the same context as the words 'gay' and 'ssa', i automatically shift into the mode of being judged, and when that happens, i seem to instinctively react as if coming to the defense of the defenseless.
but thanks to you and this thread, and i am learning to look before i leap. this was and is indeed a teachable moment for me.
all the best,