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#293623 - 06/30/09 07:50 AM What they say...
b869 Offline


Registered: 01/26/09
Posts: 767
Loc: Philippines
I have been called gay all my life, my whole family except my brother, My friends, schoolmates and a lot of other people I don't really know and has now relations to me.

When I was younger I don't think I was gay or at least I don't really feel gay. Even thou I was looking for at gay porn sometimes I was never really attracted to guys. Now I wonder what if I have been called gay so much that I started to believe them and become one.

I have nothing against gays but I want a wife (if possible wives wink ) and children when I grow up that's why I don't want to be gay.

Is that possible that I have been called gay so much that I really became one???

Marvin

_________________________

When thing get complicated go back to simplicity

Harvey Fierstein
Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.

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#293624 - 06/30/09 08:14 AM Re: What they say... [Re: b869]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
Marvin,
I can only tell you my thoughts and feelings on how I am and what my sexuality is. I have 7 siblings who are all straight and was raised to think that I had to "fit in" with the family. I was expected to marry, have kids and be just like the rest of my family. So I did just that and lived this lie to myself for almost 50 years. All this time I was attracted to guys/men and I fought those feelings for all those years.

Then I started working on my CSA and with the help of this site and professionals I came out to MYSELF just who I really am. I got honest with myself, I got true to myself. I was born gay and I tried to live the life of a straight man. I feel My CSA did not make me gay. I don't think anyone or anything makes people gay. I feel that is how I was born. and I am now the happiest gay guy I could ever be.

I have a loving partner who keeps me going and feeling like I am somebody special. And even though most of my family and friends think of me as a fag, I don't really care. Because I am living who I really am. I am Ken finally living like the real Ken. I am no longer a fake to myself.

Just my thoughts and feelings. I wish you the very best and do hope you come up with answers to your questions. I hope you do find peace within yourself.

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#293651 - 06/30/09 12:34 PM Re: What they say... [Re: b869]
myboyhoodfears Offline


Registered: 03/13/09
Posts: 457
.




Edited by myboyhoodfears (08/31/09 12:16 PM)
_________________________
Post Nubilia Pheobus

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#293662 - 06/30/09 02:03 PM Re: What they say... [Re: myboyhoodfears]
TJ jeff Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3369
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
Marvin,

till just a few years back I struggled greatly with my sexuality - it was at a Weekend of Recovery that a friend told me "remove the abuse and what attraction is left" - it took me many many months of deep inner thought - but... eventualy I came to understand that my mind would have had no attraction to male sexuality if not for the things my uncle did when I was young

I think a deep question you need to think on for a while is the WHY behind your wanting a wife and children...

_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

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#293663 - 06/30/09 02:18 PM Re: What they say... [Re: TJ jeff]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
Quote:
I think a deep question you need to think on for a while is the WHY behind your wanting a wife and children...


tj, what a great angle! i would ask the same question myself; it seems that this culture seems to automatically support the desire to pursue the almighty heterosexual dream, without question or scrutiny of any kind. i mean after all, there could be no dysfunctional pathology inherent in that pursuit, right? well, as your question points out, that is not necessarily the case.

in fact, you are strumming my own pain as you raise that question, because i made the choice for that lifestyle, hoping it would put to rest all the questions that csa/incest raised for me and left unanswered.

and danny, i feel very affirmed by your post as well.

thank you all for such an unbiased answer to a very complex question to a young man just starting his life. by offering such 'no position' perspectives, you actually give marv the tools he needs for weighing all the options, and helping him to reach his own conclusions, thereby best determining what's 'right' for him.

i appreciate this survivor family and i am very grateful everyone in it.

all the best,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#293695 - 06/30/09 06:54 PM Re: What they say... [Re: b869]
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Hi Marvin, lets go down this list and see what we can come up with.

Originally Posted By: b869
I have been called gay all my life, my whole family except my brother, My friends, schoolmates and a lot of other people I don't really know and has now relations to me.


If you can, I would get each of these people alone so they cannot gang up on you and I would ask them this question. Why do you say that I am gay? Make them get down to a item, or reason. write it down and then post it here so we can see what is up.Some examples: you are gay cause you let your hair grow to long. You are gay because you let your finger nails grow to long. You are gay because you cross your legs like a girl. Well you get the idea.


Originally Posted By: b869
Even thou I was looking at gay porn sometimes I was never really attracted to guys.

Were you looking at gay porn because you were with your gay friend and he wanted to look at it? You should get equal time to look at what you like. Also sometimes due to our abuse we are compelled to look even though we don't want to.

Originally Posted By: b869
Now I wonder what if I have been called gay so much that I started to believe them and become one.


To be honest it sounds like people are trying to make you so mad that you will lose your temper and fight them. While I was not called gay I was called every other thing by the male peer group to try to get me to fight. Mainly because I was always the new kid, moved 15 times in 12 years of school.

Originally Posted By: b869
I have nothing against gays but I want a wife (if possible wives wink ) and children when I grow up that's why I don't want to be gay.


Do you want this so that you can fit in to the male peer group? Or because you have the hots for one or more girls?
Originally Posted By: b869
Is that possible that I have been called gay so much that I really became one???
No it could not. Just ask Ken Singer, LCSW He will be glad to tell you why much better than I could.

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#293722 - 06/30/09 08:21 PM Re: What they say... [Re: lostcowboy]
b869 Offline


Registered: 01/26/09
Posts: 767
Loc: Philippines
Originally Posted By: lostcowboy
If you can, I would get each of these people alone so they cannot gang up on you and I would ask them this question. Why do you say that I am gay?



I think its because sometime I was a act a bit feminine.

Originally Posted By: lostcowboy
Were you looking at gay porn because you were with your gay friend and he wanted to look at it? You should get equal time to look at what you like. Also sometimes due to our abuse we are compelled to look even though we don't want to.


I just have urges to look at it... I don't know why I keep doing that... it makes me feel sick afterward.


Originally Posted By: lostcowboy
Do you want this so that you can fit in to the male peer group? Or because you have the hots for one or more girls?


I don't know I'm still thinking about this...


Marvin

_________________________

When thing get complicated go back to simplicity

Harvey Fierstein
Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.

Top
#294032 - 07/03/09 05:04 AM Re: What they say... [Re: b869]
LilacLouie Offline


Registered: 07/02/09
Posts: 359
Loc: Utah
....



Edited by LilacLouie (07/12/09 04:05 AM)

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#294246 - 07/04/09 08:32 PM Re: What they say... [Re: b869]
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Hi Marvin,

Quote:
I think its because sometime I was a act a bit feminine.

Let's be clear about this just because you act a bit feminine, it does not mean you are attracted to boys.

Sometimes, I am /feel feminine. Let my nails grow longer than normal for a boy, cross my legs like a girl. Some of this may be do to the environment I grew up in. From the first grade to the fifth grade, I played with the girls. Because the boys would not let me play with them with out fighting them to get in the boys peer group. My dad strongly disapproved of boys fighting at school, the only way I could get his approve was by not fighting.
In 1968 when I was eleven I was raped at knife point. At that time the only thing I could come up with was I got raped because I was to much of a girl. So I did my best to hid all traces of feminine, but still deep down I am still a feminine guy. When I hit puberty I went nuts over girls. I had a instantaneous erection over every good looking girl that walked by. Even though my body wanted to have sex with these girls at a drop of a hat. I the personality that lives in this brain did not want that. Being that I could not control my body. I just stayed away from girls.

Quote:
I just have urges to look at it... I don't know why I keep doing that... it makes me feel sick afterward.

About the gay porn, from your statments this sounds like a sexual addition. Very likely due to what happen to you. Again this does not mean you are gay.

I developed this weird way of masturbating, by putting things up my ass. Yes there was pleasure in it, but there was a whole lot of pain to. It took me coming on this site and talking about things for me to stop. I came to the conclusion that I was just punishing myself for what had happened to me. When I realized that I was not at fault, the need to punish myself disappeared, and I stopped that form of masturbation.

If you are going to get married. Do it for love. Not because you want to fit in with the group.

Take care,
Clifford

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#294264 - 07/05/09 01:31 AM Re: What they say... [Re: lostcowboy]
Charlie24 Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
Marvin you and I are so very similar at times it can be downright scary. I don't mean that in a bad way my friend, just surprising and a little cool to know someone else understands what I'm like.

I could have written the same thing and I had people always tell me I was gay.

I like what TJ Jeff has said. Others have said the same thing to me about it, remove the abuse and really think hard my friend.

I'm getting to the point where others opinions of me don't matter and they can f off for all I care.

People have opinions, you have to follow your heart and listen to it, don't go by what everyone else is saying, listen to what Marvin is saying, really think about it bud.

I know its so hard with highschool. It will get better once you graduate. Most kids move on from that click attitude.

I'm here if you need me, my friend.

Charlie.


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