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#286486 - 05/06/09 03:47 PM lost... confused.. angry.. hurt... unsure... why?
Hidden15 Offline


Registered: 03/30/09
Posts: 33
Loc: Australia
ahh this may make no sense but i think i need to write it... I don’t show much of my emotions but right now ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

I apologise in advance...

How long are you meant to just push this away? how long do you have to pretend you’re ok?… I was doing ok.. Everything was sorting out… but no of course shit hit’s the fucking fan! I just don’t understand how you can be hurt so much by the people that are meant to love you?!… I saw her for the first time since like 2 years and now out of no where, I see her.. She leaves me with all this going through my head… I don’t understand how she made me like that so she could do what she needed.. Use me.… how did she do it? Does that mean I like her? I feel so yuck… I don’t understand… its hard enough waking up every morning in the one place I don’t feel safe.. But my dad hasn’t hurt me.. I think he has changed… we don’t talk about it and we act as if nothing even happened… I didn’t see him in 2 years either and it just goes back to normal???.. I don’t understand… why did she have to come and see me? She says “just dropping in to say hello”… how the fuck dare she even hug me…. How dare she act as if it didn’t happen…. I don’t understand.. I’m a wreck… things were working out I was going to go back and study and try and get a job, everything made sense for once…. And now look what has happened… its just like when I was little again… they both are here.. Sipping their tea, telling each other what they have been up to… its bad enough I’m living with dad again…. I thought when you get a divorce you never see them together again…. Dad has a new gf, shes great… she has kids….. What if dad… what is she…. Ahhh what am I doing… I never write this down….. I like dads gf, she is so nice…. She wouldn’t hurt a fly… she is letting me live in her house….. She feeds me and even took me clothes shopping…she even gave me a nick name… why couldn’t she be my mum instead… why couldn’t she have raised me…. But know I have her…. I got stuck with her and him…. Do we really choose our family?…. Why did I choose this one? Why?… I come on here and pretend nothing has happened I go on chat and talk about the weather to some people and they have no idea I’m drowning in tears.. I act like I don’t care that it doesn’t bother me… I’m getting scared because I’m opening up and allowing myself to cry.. What if I cant stop…. I’m getting scared because I’m really starting to rely on this website…. Allot…. Everything good that happens in my life… goes bad.. Always… how am I typing all this down… am I going to post this? Will I hit that button?.. Can I actually open up allot more to this site?…. I’m scared if I do… my trust with be abused… what’s wrong with me?….. So many things are going through my head… I’m going to go for a walk……

_________________________
You left me
Drowning in my own tears
You left me
Blaming myself for years
You left me
Insecure and scared
You left me
Thinking no one could care
You left me
Hurt and broken
You left me
Nothing but hoping…

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#286489 - 05/06/09 04:05 PM Re: lost... confused.. angry.. hurt... unsure... why? [Re: Hidden15]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
glad you took that walk. it was a good idea. also typing all that stuff out was a good idea too. better out than in. keeping it inside will not change the facts. letting it out is the first step in changing the circumstances, one by one.

if you can find one shred of something good about your situation, then cling to that; that's your true north....don't take you eyes off of it. now get your resolve back and keep plowing full steam ahead. all the more reason to start working on your independence. don't give up. these growling dogs will not go away overnight. but eventually they'll get tired of barking. one thing at a time, one moment at a time.

c'mon, you can do it!

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#286495 - 05/06/09 05:25 PM Re: lost... confused.. angry.. hurt... unsure... why? [Re: Sans Logos]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
hidden,

Why not allow her (fathers girlfriend)to be the mother you always needed. She seems willing and able to fulfill the role. accept the gifts that life (or god) sents you way. We all deserve good things in life.
Forget your mother and stay away from as much as posssible. Does your father know about what she did? Maybe time for her to face the piper so too speak.

Mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#290093 - 06/03/09 02:37 PM Re: lost... confused.. angry.. hurt... unsure... why? [Re: michael banks]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Chris,

You ask how long you're supposed to just push this stuff away and pretend you're okay. The answer is that we do that until we reach the point where we are ready to face things. That's what you're doing now.

Yes, it hurts and you feel awful a lot of the time. But this is why the task of recovering from sexual abuse is so difficult. We make progress, but sometimes it hurts so bad that all we can see or feel is the hurt.

Things will indeed get better, my friend. But it takes time. And we also need support, encouragement and understanding from others. That's what you're getting here and I hope that's helping. But what about support in your own local area? Mike raises an important question when he asks if your father knows what happened. Can you reach out to tell safe people in your life?

The answer may be a huge NO!, and if that's how it is for now, that's okay. You're no0t ready, just like a few months ago you weren't yet ready to come here. Try to look at these impossible steps not as things you will never be able to do, but as things you can't do yet. You will be amazed at the strength you will find; it's already there inside you.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#292826 - 06/24/09 08:29 AM Re: lost... confused.. angry.. hurt... unsure... why? [Re: roadrunner]
h.beat,h.break Offline


Registered: 06/05/09
Posts: 124
Loc: New York
It all comes out in the end. I tried to keep it in and deny that I was even abused by my family members for 20 years. Yeah... it sucks big time when it all comes out. It became "the gorilla in the room" in my family as well because THEY don't even know how to deal with it. That's the one thing I had in common with my family: we both didn't know how to deal with it so we didn't talk about it. Even while it was staring us in the face.

You made the biggest step in talking about it which makes every other step after that more visible for you to see so that you don't stumble the rest of the way. That sounds cheap, but it's true. When you decide to confront your problems you have no reason to fear them anymore.

Like they say in SA (or every other anon. group)

KEEP COMING BACK.





Edited by h.beat,h.break (06/24/09 08:30 AM)
_________________________
Hey, if "black sheep" means you're the only non-douche of the family, take that with some pride.

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#292831 - 06/24/09 09:35 AM Re: lost... confused.. angry.. hurt... unsure... why? [Re: Hidden15]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: TEXAS
Hi. my Aussie brother.

Lost, confused, angry, hurt, unshure & the BIG WHY.

No need for apologies, my brother (fraternal) & my firend (in pain). It has made a lot of sense. It resonates all over this web site.
It resonates through the very depths of this lost boys soul. Not to mention every one here on this page.

Rember the only thing that little Pete & big Pete can offer you in your pain, sorrows, anger and doubts.

It is our compassion, understanding and love. It is a long and painful & sorrowful road that we're on.

But when that lost boy, little Hidden15 finally came out from the dark depths of your soul and hell too. He started to get us to lead him from the darkness into the sunlight. Little Pete has reminded me that we were a good boy, we were worthy of being loved, wanted & nurtured. But we found it in a very bad way.

We are now paying that terrable price for finding someone to love us young lost boys.

Hidden15, my Aussie, brother/friend, cry and cry some more, be lucky that you can. Because when little Pete was a young boy. we were not supposed to cry. And little Pete had taught himself well as BOYS DON'T CRY. Still can't (much) to this very day, and I'm 70 yrs old.

Hidden15 you are on your way to healing, it's painful, sorrowful but there is HOPE. Hope for you. hope for me, and hope for our brothers right here.

Heal well my brother/friend.

Pete (Irishmoose)

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#293125 - 06/26/09 05:39 AM Re: lost... confused.. angry.. hurt... unsure... why? [Re: petercorbett]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Chris,

I was thinking about this some more last night as I was working on a book I am writing, and I thought of something that might help you.

Sit down at your computer and write a letter to your mother. Don't think - write! Start anywhere. Say anything. Let it all come pouring out. Then when you're done you can revise and change the letter, moving things around until you get a letter that says WHAT you want to say and HOW you want to say it. Another teen here did something like this and he went through more than ten revisions of his letter before he got something he really liked.

You will find that doing this will focus your thinking; it's a way of reclaiming control of the situation. And you may find that it goes a long way towards resolving your anger. The guy I just mentioned found that this is what happened with him. We looked at each version and talked about it, and then he would go and change it again. There were so many times he told me, "Yeah, that's how I felt then, but now it looks different to me." Of course it did - he was processing things.

Then think about what you will do with the letter. Remember that the purpose isn't to confront anyone, but to help yourself. Maybe you will never give or send the letter to anyone; maybe you will. You won't know until you reach a point where you are finished. And when is that? When you are content that the letter expresses exactly how you feel.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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