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#292363 - 06/19/09 09:15 PM Re: Help - I need answers - [Re: riz]
AwesomeAnn Offline


Registered: 06/03/09
Posts: 14
Loc: California, USA
Hello friends:

I want to take a moment to thank everyone who was so gracious to take the time to reply to my post. It has been an unbelievable couple of weeks, wasn't being unresponsive, but wanted to reply with some progress. I hope my lengthy post isn't too self indulgent but maybe one day will be prove helpful to anyone else who is in my "our" shoes, who might saunter into this site, like I did. From the first gentleman who sent me a reply to the song by Holly Cole - referred by C, to the moderators comments, have all been an unbelievable amount of assistance. I appreciate the honesty and am tough enough to take the truth, so please Riz & Julia no apologies necessary. I took all of your advice and spoke with a therapist. What a great help that was - never saw myself as co-dependent. According to the therapist I am a bit worse than a co-dep, ha ha. I have God complex? Great, I'm Alec Baldwin... I am controlling, a bunch of other DSM4 adjectives, but in layman terms a pushy bitch. I'm paraphrasing of course. I am a Type A personality and want things done yesterday. I knew this about myself, but what I didnt' know is - this is exactly what someone suffering from the pains of csa is most afraid of - the therapist deals with male csa & could tell by the urgency in my need for an appointment that i had those traits. I never saw being an over-achiever as potential to alienate the one guy I truly love, but that's where I am. He is a vindictive God.. sorry couldn't refuse. My 'get it done yesterday' attitude makes by BF put up walls and retreat from me, when he is remembering or going through an episode or ?? Instead of providing 'a soothing calm bath' like atmosphere, I am a jolt of ice water. Or something to that effect. I guess if there is some other woman in my position and she's reading this, maybe this will be of some help to her? I feel so much better and not so 'helpless' - because as much as everyone here, books, etc. have stated - this really is his journey. He doesn't need an aggresive girlfriend adding to his load right now. It's not me, it's him. I am trying not to take it personal - thank you Aden, for that bit of advice. CSTJude asked "are you in this for the long haul? Even if you are not destined to be a couple, can he count on you?"

This has taken me to the soul searching depths I've never gone before, I don't know? I want to say "absolutely" but I really don't know? I have never been tested like this before, I've never loved like this before and I've never been this affected by anyone? If this is a glitch (can't think of better word - not trying to trivialize by any means - apologies for a Friday brain) in the road with recovery in the future, which absolutely no one can answer succintly to this type A persona, of course - he's worth it! But if there is no light at the end of the tunnel or my need to control the trip through the tunnel - yep, i thought it, to be honest, I don't think so. I have so much I want to do with my life, one day I'd like to have a child and share my home and good fortune and having a partner who is not able to be there with me all the way isn't what I hoped for in my life. It's hard to see in print how really shallow I appear, but I guess that's who I am. Love really isn't enough. I thought it would be, but it just isn't. CS you are so right, it's 'crayzmaking'. I just don't know if I've got the patience to live in crazy land. I truly wish I could end by saying, everything turned out great, I didn't abandon a fellow human being who i love, but quietly waited whilst he recovered and knitted sweaters... i so wanted to be better than what i was raised for, but i truly am only human - so I'm off to my family's home in the Hamptons. If he recovers or if I change enough or both, maybe we can get through this, at this time, it doesn't appear so. From the bottom of my heart and with all the gratitude I can put forth in print, I'd like to thank all of you for being so honest, helpful and there for me.

Peace & Blessings,

Awesome Again Ann


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#292442 - 06/20/09 10:37 PM Re: Help - I need answers - [Re: AwesomeAnn]
cstjude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
Thank you Ann for the update. Learning to love in ways that we've never considered before is a transformative experience. You were brave to seek out the counsellor's advice and generous to share it with us here.

In re-reading the posts in this thread, it occurs to me that knowing a bit more about my situation might help you with these questions. My loved one and I are not a couple. We are not married. I am happily married to a wonderful man with whom I have a funny, happy, challenging 15 year old son. My life is one of a happy and healthy mother, wife, best friend, professional, writer, teacher etc etc. But I am as committed to both my husband and family as I am to my loved one. It's just that the love I bear my loved one - though deep and abiding - is not romantic love. It is of its own peculiar, wonderful, honest, chaste character. We have both worked at making it what we need. Sometimes love asserts itself in strange ways if we are open to it. We are connected in a way that transcends conventional ideas of what it means to love another person. We don't even live in the same city, but we are connected, fused if you will. We challenge each other, make each other strive for the highest and best of our potential and capabilities. And we are not lovers and never will be.

My reason in revealing all this here is to suggest that it is possible to have a fulfilling life, a family, all the things you want for yourself and still be connected to your survivor if that is what you both want.

Again, thank you for sharing. You've taught me a lot and make me think and I am grateful.

C.



Edited by cstjude (06/20/09 10:43 PM)
_________________________
C.
Female, Friends & Family Forum Fan

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#292953 - 06/25/09 01:11 AM Re: Help - I need answers - [Re: cstjude]
AwesomeAnn Offline


Registered: 06/03/09
Posts: 14
Loc: California, USA
hello c -

Sorry i didn't respond sooner. Thought i was done w/my BF and haven't been on this site since. I am still in limbo - feel empty and lonely. Was heading on a much needed vacation, when I became ill and unable to travel - friends and coworkers have called, sent flowers and visitted & not a word or email from him. I know he is in his self imposed 'isolation' and getting help, but Lord it's so hard to not have any closure - or contact? Came back here to read some posts to offer hope, but am more frustrated and dejected.. Thanks for being so nice - I'm so curious as to what type of relationship you do have? Friend? Relative? I've never been nosey, so excuse me for prying.. I feel so lousy, just looking for answers.. thanks and take care


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#292964 - 06/25/09 06:58 AM Re: Help - I need answers - [Re: AwesomeAnn]
soapy bubbles Offline
Member

Registered: 09/05/06
Posts: 332
Loc: london
It's just that the love I bear my loved one - though deep and abiding - is not romantic love. It is of its own peculiar, wonderful, honest, chaste character. We have both worked at making it what we need. Sometimes love asserts itself in strange ways if we are open to it. We are connected in a way that transcends conventional ideas of what it means to love another person. We don't even live in the same city, but we are connected, fused if you will. We challenge each other, make each other strive for the highest and best of our potential and capabilities. And we are not lovers and never will be.


Wow C, what an eye-opener! I didn't think such a relationship was possible. How does your husband feel about your friendship and love for your friend? How did your relationship with your loved one develop to it's current level? Gosh, I've got so many questions confused (But obviously you don't have to answer them if you don't want to)

SB

_________________________
"Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.” --- Eleanor Roosevelt

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#292976 - 06/25/09 09:46 AM Re: Help - I need answers - [Re: soapy bubbles]
cstjude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
Hi SB and Ann,

First, Ann, I am sorry you are not feeling well. This stuff is hard enough when we feel healthy and strong but when we're ill, tired, and vulnerable, it is even harder on the heartstrings. My experience taught me that the more I tied my expectations to conventional behaviour (after all people who care about you call when you're sick, right?) the more heartache I was in for. I finally came to realize that he and I were not playing by the same emotional rule book. That was a hard lesson. So I started working on trying to understand and accept the behaviour while being honest about how the behaviour was affecting me. The Dalai Lama says that all suffering is caused by attachment. I was definatlely attached to my expectations governing his emotional reactions and I did suffer; disillusion, disappointment, self-recrimination, worry, anxiety and stress, you name it. It interfered with my health, with my concentration, my ability to work, etc. etc. And others in my life couldn't understand why I wasn't able to just walk away so I felt like I was damaging my own time-honoured support team (friends and family included). I finally came to understand that loving my survivor and my commitment to him was going to have to be part of a much larger system of self-fulfillment, self-esteem, meaningful work, diverse experiences and mentors. And that I was going to have to be open to exploring unexpected aspects of love. He has taught me a great deal about that. Romantic love is wonderful, but it is only one perspective on a profound human emotion and need. It is, nevertheless, the one aspect of love to which we give the most attention, I think. smile
Mostly, I've learned that our capacity for love is truly boundless and that we can form deep and abiding connections to more than one person and still remain honourable, moral, and honest.

Now to SB's questions. smile My husband - who is the most successful human being I have ever met - trusts that I am not about betrayal. It hasn't always been easy for him, but we've been so honest with each other and with ourselves that he knows he has nothing to fear from my attachments to my loved-one (who is my best friend) any more than he should be threatened by my attachments to our son, or my close sisters-by-choice or any other important emotional committment. He would never ask me to end a relationship that helps me grow, challenges me, allows me to explore being a friend, that teaches me about love. All he asks is that I honour him, our family, and our marriage. And, I hope, I have done that in our 17 years of marriage.

How did my friendship develop to its current level? Here's the irony, I think it evolved the way it did because I was married and unavailable as a potential girlfriend or lover. I was "safe". He could talk to me about anything, even his CSA, and know that I had no sexual agenda, no need to play games, nothing to gain by exploiting his vulnerabilities. See, I told you it was strange. smile Anyway, I became the relationship in which he was able to disclose, where he could learn about trust and vulnerability. That is really how we formed the foundation for the friendship. I love him like the-brother-I-never-knew I wanted smile and more so. Supporting his recovery is a priority in my life. My well-being is a priority in his.

C.
PS: Gosh, I sound so sanctimonious...forgive the "soapbox" quality of this post. But I do want to answer these quesions. -C.

_________________________
C.
Female, Friends & Family Forum Fan

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