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#292622 - 06/22/09 01:22 PM Am I a Chicken or a Duck?
Tedure Offline


Registered: 04/17/09
Posts: 203
Loc: Utah
I was a disconnected child who didn’t bond with my parents. My need for love was not met so I strived in a negative ways to meet that need.

I couldn’t connect with people so I connected with animals. From an early age I had a wide assortment of pets. At age ten I acquired some fertile duck eggs from my grandmother and put them under a chicken to hatch. Back then and even today I have nothing but love and respect for both chickens and ducks… they are both great birds.

A few weeks later the hen became the “foster” mother to 5 little ducklings. Like all birds they imprinted on the first thing they saw…the chicken. The baby ducks thought they were chickens. The hen started raising them as chickens. They even started acting like chickens until one day they found the ditch full of water in front of our house. I watched as all five jumped into the water and their instincts took over as they paddled up and down the ditch while the mother hen panicked and squawked as she ran back and forth on the bank. It was quite a sight. Finally, to the relief of the mother hen, the little ducks obeyed her call and jumped out of the water and followed her back to the chicken coop.

Wow! What an identity crisis! Am I a chicken or a duck?

Interestingly enough at this same time in my life I was about to be imprinted as I was “hatching” into puberty. My “foster” chicken was my male cousin who was four years older than me. He was the first thing I saw in my sexual emergence from the egg. Him and the sexual acts are what imprinted on my young mind…I connected with it.. In fact I thought it would fill the hole in my heart, my need for love. But of course it didn’t. So I just strived harder in a negative way to fill that need for love. For the next fourteen years I lived a double life. Sometimes a duck in the water sometimes a chicken on land. At times on land the chickens, especially the roosters, would peck at me so hard that I would run screaming back to the water. I felt I deserved the pain and in a few days I would head right back to land for more. Besides feeling pain is better than feeling nothing.

I became a sex addict…a duck always trying to please the chickens and everybody else.

Wow! What an identity crisis! Am I a chicken or a duck?

In my heart I knew I was born a duck even though I was "fostered" by a chicken. Today I am healing and in recovery. My wife and I raised a brood of five little ducklings. They have all grown. So I guess we are now "empty nesters".

Even now some days I have to make a conscience choice to head for the water. It can be hard. The imprinting will never go away. In fact it seems as strong today, 40+ years later, as it was when I was 10. What has changed is my ability to counter it, to replace with something better, to ignore it, to focus on my vision of a good life, and to know that God is my loving father and has been with me from the very beginning. He gave me the miracles I needed to start my recovery.

No, I don’t win all the battles but I will win the WAR! Take courage my fellow warriors the victory is ours!

Love much and do the best you can, God bless all the chickens and ducks in this world!

Ted the Duck





Edited by Tedure (06/22/09 01:53 PM)
_________________________
When you change the way you look at things the things you look at change.

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#292626 - 06/22/09 01:33 PM Re: Am I a Chicken or a Duck? [Re: Tedure]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Ted the Duck,

Thanks for the post. For i too have been a duck all my life trying to be a chicken in order to be loved and accepted.

Quack !!

Mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#292633 - 06/22/09 02:22 PM Re: Am I a Chicken or a Duck? [Re: Tedure]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
Quote:
I became a sex addict…a duck always trying to please the chickens and everybody else.


ted, i like the way you are connecting the dots in your life.

for me, things happened in a similar way, but i never became a sex addict, but rather used sex to fuel my love addiction. my older brother made the connection of deep need for getting love/bonding needs met by branding my brain with the most powerful kinesthetic sensory experience that i had ever known, and i tried all my life to reinforce that connection by pursuing anything that would become a metaphor for matrix: schools, religion, ideologies, people, places things....you name it, anything that had boots waiting to be licked, i pursued.

like a nicotine addict, trying desperately with each drag of a cigarette, to recapture that first puff of the day, i pursued.

like a moth drawn to the flame, i pursued.

it was all about filling bonding needs....which in itself is not a bad thing, but what made it 'wrong' for me was that my pursuits were dishonest.

it took a long time to separate the wants from the needs, but after many long years of pursuit, i finally feel as if i am not being driven by either. i guess that kills the myth once and for all that 'if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, then it's a duck'.

what i have concluded is that i am neither a chicken or a duck; i am both. i think i'll change my name to ch-uck.

all the best,

chuck whistle

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#292697 - 06/23/09 02:45 AM Re: Am I a Chicken or a Duck? [Re: Sans Logos]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Ted,

What a delightful anecdote about the ducks and chickens. Your application was well done. I found it "just ducky".

Several weeks after the vicious abuse I experienced at age 12, we traveled to my grandmother's small farm. She grew a lot of her own food. She always had a bunch of chickens running around in back. I watched her wring the neck off of one of them so we could eat it. The head lay there on the ground while the chicken's body continued to hop around for several minutes. What a shock for a 12-year-old. The other chickens proceded to eat the dead head.

The viciousness of chickens to one-another was appalling to me. And as a boy I have to admit I enjoyed eating water melon on the back steps and blowing the seeds out. The chickens would run up and try to eat the seeds. I found I could blow them so as to land on the chicken's backs. Then other chickens would run up and try to peck up the seed from the others' back. It would be many years before I learned of the "peck-order".

There was one chicken who was partially deformed. For some psychological reason, I identified with the deformed chicken. I guess that's how I felt inside of myself after the abuse. I tried to defend the broken chicken. I tried to keep the others from pecking at it. But all in vain.

When we left to return home, my generous grandmother got up early in the morning to make fried chicken for us to take with us as we travelled. I loved the fried chicken. But the leg I was eating was slightly undercooked. I ate down to the bone and it was a little bloody. I had a tremendous nauseating flashback of the abuse (you can have flashbacks without actually remembering the event).

Then on the way home as I looked out the car window, we passed a farm where there was a horse with a huge penis hanging down. I looked away in shame. I hoped nobody had seen me notice the horse. Here again was a flashback totally without insight. Then we travelled by a boat dock in Florida. I looked over and a guy was staring at me. . . . Another flashback. I turned and looked away.

Allen

pufferfish whistle


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#292721 - 06/23/09 10:13 AM Re: Am I a Chicken or a Duck? [Re: pufferfish]
Tedure Offline


Registered: 04/17/09
Posts: 203
Loc: Utah
Allen, Mike and "Chuck"

Thanks for all your insightful comments.

Allen it's funny you should mention about raising a deformed chicken because when I was 12 living on the farm in Idaho I bought and tried to raise a bunch of deformed chicks that I bought at the feed store in town. I remembered I paid a nickle each. They were called "seconds". Some I had to feed by hand. I don't remember how many survived, but some did. I had never thought about that until your comment. I am sure there is a store or message there, but that will have to wait until another day!!

Love and Honor to you all, Ted

_________________________
When you change the way you look at things the things you look at change.

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#292729 - 06/23/09 11:54 AM Re: Am I a Chicken or a Duck? [Re: Tedure]
Jim1961 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/10/09
Posts: 1152
Loc: Pa, but likely traveling...
Ted,

We share similar experiences. I too was a 12 yo boy looking for love too. My parents were absent. An older boy gave me lots of attention. Imprinting? I never considered that before, that may be a significant factor for me!

Yes, I am a duck. Rarely accepted by the chickens and never fitting in with the "true" ducks. Hmmm. You've given me LOTS to think about!

God Bless,

Jim

_________________________
Loneliness is a power that we possess to give or take away forever. -Yes, Starship Trooper

My Story

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#292789 - 06/23/09 10:09 PM Re: Am I a Chicken or a Duck? [Re: Jim1961]
Tedure Offline


Registered: 04/17/09
Posts: 203
Loc: Utah
Jim,

Thanks for your response. I spent over 40 years with my story buried deep in my soul... a dark secret. I never thought there was another person on earth that could understand me let alone have had a similar experience. I just told my wife 2 months ago. We have been married 35 years. Thanks for reaching out with your heart...it means a lot. I just read your story again. It touched my heart, Your are strong...You have courage...I am proud of you!! Keep it up!!

Love and respect, Ted

_________________________
When you change the way you look at things the things you look at change.

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#292823 - 06/24/09 08:05 AM Re: Am I a Chicken or a Duck? [Re: Tedure]
Jim1961 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/10/09
Posts: 1152
Loc: Pa, but likely traveling...
Ted,

Thanks for the kind words!

I shared your duck/chicken story with a Survivor friend of mine. We discuss our struggles with SSA in depth.

He said (and I agree) that these are very true words, "I thought it would fill the hole in my heart, my need for love."

That gets to the root of my struggles for sure. Searching for love, desiring emotional intimacy with males. Really very little to do with sex.

He also had this observation:

Notice, the ducks did not care and were not bothered as to whether they were chickens or ducks because, the mother hen loved them, took care of them, frantically ran up and down the bank concerned for them when they found the water.

Was the mother hen ever able to let go of her instincts and allow them to choose? That...would be love, wouldn't it?

Jim

_________________________
Loneliness is a power that we possess to give or take away forever. -Yes, Starship Trooper

My Story

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#292850 - 06/24/09 01:44 PM Re: Am I a Chicken or a Duck? [Re: Jim1961]
Tedure Offline


Registered: 04/17/09
Posts: 203
Loc: Utah
Jim,
I like your thoughts on Love. I have learned a few other things about love in my journey.

In all eternity (and that is a long time) we are all only a child once. And that is here on this earth for just a short time. A child needs to be nurtured in LIGHT and LOVE in the safe circle of a good family, not by the Stormy DARKNESS of the world. (Like many of us on this sight)

LOVE is a calm, in control, all is well feeling—“Your welfare is more important to me than my own.” It is free of fear and anger.

Remember the need for LOVE is as strong as the need for air or food. It is a basic need for every child born on this earth. If the Love needs are not met the child or adult will strive in a negative way to meet those needs. Many will cycle into addictions. Some will survive and some will not. I have been blessed. I survived and so have you!

I now know what love is. I now have it in my life when I am Calm, When I am in Control, When I think of others before myself, When I am free from fear and anger...This is love, The pure love of Christ. "As I have loved you love one another."

..Was Christ Calm? Was He in control? Did He project a
feeling of “All is well?” Did He put other people’s welfare before
His own? Of course He did all of this. This is what we must do.
This is the type of love we must cultivate in ourselves and our
families. This is how we should LOVE our children, spouse, and most
importantly ourselves.

Take care and much LOVE, Ted

_________________________
When you change the way you look at things the things you look at change.

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#292877 - 06/24/09 05:12 PM Re: Am I a Chicken or a Duck? [Re: Tedure]
Jim1961 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/10/09
Posts: 1152
Loc: Pa, but likely traveling...
Ted,

I'm printing your post to remember what is truly important. I'm early in my recovery work and can see the damage done to that little boy. He needs healed so I can love again.

Thanks for giving me hope and a vision to strive towards.

Jim

_________________________
Loneliness is a power that we possess to give or take away forever. -Yes, Starship Trooper

My Story

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