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#29253 - 03/15/05 03:39 AM The One within me (trigger)
lostone Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/09/05
Posts: 14
When I found this I couldn't believe it was real, I was afraid to join and afraid to post. I still am.

I've never known my father which in some cases to some can be a good thing because of the negative impact their father has had on them. To others its a horrible thought to not have one around. I don't think it matters for me anymore, I don't trust anymore.

I've been tricked into thinking this was okay. Manipulated and lied to made to go along with things I was and still are uncomfortable with. People, both men and women, sayintg I was beautiful, that I was a beautiful little boy. Me wanting to gag everytime they came near me. It's been going on for far to long and I can't stop it. I'm being used, and I don't know what to do. I can't escape it, its not that easy. They said if I did what they said they wouldn't hurt my friends, but they lied. I can't escape it beacuse its still happening, but because its still in my thoughts. I dream about what happened, dream of getting revenge but I know I never could. I'm too quiet, I never talk in school, I have no real muscle, not any that you can see. I work out but I'm not buff. I'm not strong enough to stop it. So I cut, used to, I haven't in a while. I write a lot, I get in trouble in school for writing during class and not paying attention. I'm so confused right now and I don't know where to go, my mom works 3 jobs, she's not home enough for this.

I'm sorry, I've probably confused you now. Sorry.


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#29254 - 03/15/05 04:31 AM Re: The One within me (trigger)
self_righting Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/05
Posts: 69
Loc: Tampa, FL
I'm not sure what to say. It is a very painful subject. I was told some of the same things all the while I felt uglier and uglier on the inside. I've heard so many lies... I hope other have something more constructive to offer. All I can say is that you're not the only one. I found this place several weeks ago. It took me awhile to build up the courage to join and post. This is a good place, full of good people.


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#29255 - 03/15/05 10:32 PM Re: The One within me (trigger)
ForeverFighting Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1058
Loc: New Mexico, USA
In my family I was the only blonde, and everybody commented on it. "Where did you get your blonde hair?" I was a kid in a family of untouchable people, parents with no hearts. So little by little, I latched onto things like my hair as my identity. I could play piano, and I became the best I could be, so that became my identity. I was thin, so that became my identity. So when I was SA, it was because (in my mind) I was a thin, blonde boy. I lived in a family colder than Antarctica, so this horrible perp uncle who used me only to fill his own sick needs became, in my mind, my admirer. And the better I looked, the more power I had over him. He wasn't using me, I was using him. I could make him want me. Everything flipped in my mind. How in the world does that happen? But it does. Then we play out this little scenario the rest of our lives. But the fact is, I was small. He was big. He was an adult, I was young. Even if I had muscles or some way to stop him, I'd been trained not to. My dad (speaking of fathers) would hurt me if I said no to him. It's like the old story of the elephant tied to stick with a piece of string. Early on, when the elephant's little, they use a chain, but as he grows and they change it to a string, in his mind, the elephant still thinks he can't get away.

You can get away. I used to cut, too, but I think that goes with the whole body-image thing. The whole, "I have control over my own body" thing. And because I thought it was my body that made this perp use me, I would often punish my body as if it had any say over what happened to me. It's not happening anymore. The abuse is over for me. If you're still in danger, please get help. Tell someone. If it is over, the healing can begin. And that one within can begin to feel safe.

I am just so glad you found this place. This is the best step toward helping that little one inside to feel safe. Please let us know how you're doing.

_________________________
ForeverFighting

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, neither will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

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#29256 - 03/15/05 10:36 PM Re: The One within me (trigger)
lostone Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/09/05
Posts: 14
Right now I just feel like I'm going through the motions, like I'm doing what everyone else wants me to do. Sorta like in Ralph Ellison's Invisible Man, or in FD's Notes From The Underground. Like I have no identity.


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#29257 - 03/15/05 11:02 PM Re: The One within me (trigger)
Charlie Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/05
Posts: 148



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#29258 - 03/15/05 11:28 PM Re: The One within me (trigger)
lostone Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/09/05
Posts: 14
I've read some of your stuff too, I just didn't know if anything that I had to say would help. I don't know how good I am at giving advice. We're about the same age, my cousin is dealing with a lot of the things I am. She's confused like me, ashamed all of it. It sorta all came out when I was talking to her on AIM. I'm glad she knows now, we just "spoke" about 20 mins ago. She was afraid of becoming a mom because she didn't want to hurt her kids, I told her she never would. I asked her why, she told me and I told her that what happened to her also happened to me. She says she wished she could have protected me from it. I love her, she's like my bestfriend.


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