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#292296 - 06/19/09 06:03 AM New to this-confused and haven't told anyone
db.gibbons Offline


Registered: 06/19/09
Posts: 2
Loc: oregon
I was sexually abused by a babysitter in first grade. He made me do a lot of things a first grader should not be told to do. We moved locations a couple months after--I felt I had betrayed my family and caused the move. Here, I had a lot of trouble making friends and hanging with the 'guys'. It was in Illinois where I discovered masturbating. The first time I had masturbated and climaxed was to the thought of guys. Right when I had 'came' I had an instant feeling of shame and regret. To sum it up, it was pleasurable until I was done. Since then, I alternated between looking at girls and guys naked. I had a little more trouble getting 'up' to girls and would almost always receive an erection to looking at guys. After five years of living in Illinois, I moved to Oregon. Here, my sexuality continued to blur lines. I was confused and also hurt by the possibility that I could be gay. Everytime I 'came' to female porn, I felt immense pleasure, but after 'cumming' to male porn I only felt shame and anger with myself. Throughout those years, me and my father's relationship continuously diminished. When it came down to it, I blamed the sexual abuse. I was never good at sports, only befriended females and wasn't a true 'son'-- all characteristics I had retained after the sexual abuse. Today, we still continue to argue and do not get along.

The reason why I am so confused about my sexuality is for a couple of reasons-- I am attracted to females, I can receive an erection (at times) at the thought of having sex with them. I hook up with girls and have had sexual intercourse with a female before. However, there are times where I get hard at just the thought of a nude male. This is what confuses me so much. Why do I like to think of nude males when I am also attracted to women? Is it because I was sexually abused? Or was I gay all along (which brings up the question-am I gay, bi, or just completely confused)?

I have honestly never opened up until anyone since I was done counseling. It all stayed where it happened- nobody from Illinois or Oregon know about it.

I would really appreciate the advice or help or answers anyone can give me. It was hard for me to write this all out... I have been careful not to let my story known to my peers or brought up amongst family.

Thanks


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#292297 - 06/19/09 06:15 AM Re: New to this-confused and haven't told anyone [Re: db.gibbons]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
First let me welcome you to MS, second let me just tell you that I know how difficult that had to be to write.

All too often abuse survivors get sexual acts confused with sexual identity.

When you subtract the acts from the person - when you remove sex from the equation - which gender appeals to you on the more meaningfull relational levels?

Minus personal prejudice, who can you truly see yourself in love with? Him or her?

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#292307 - 06/19/09 09:12 AM Re: New to this-confused and haven't told anyone [Re: joelRT]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5780
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
db:
Check out the older posts in this site and/or do a search for some of the topics you raised. There have been a lot of good responses to those questions in the past couple of months/years and I think you'll get some reassurance.

Welcome to MS.


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#292309 - 06/19/09 09:16 AM Re: New to this-confused and haven't told anyone [Re: db.gibbons]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
hey db welcome!

i'm glad to know your equipment is working fine, that's one less issue to deal with. seems like your physical functioning is getting confused somewhere between the brain and the mind, and causing a bit of dissonance there. that sux!

you asked for advice so i suggest getting mike lew's book 'victim's no longer'. you can order it through our amazon book store

he says a lot of good things about the topic of sexuality in the male survivor, and i think you may get a lot resolution out of what he has to say on the subject.

our own ken singer has some greater points to make on his topic as well. you can read here an excerpt from his forthcoming book. in this chapter he poses the question for us: am i gay if think about penises a lot?

the other thing i would suggest, is to consider contacting a specialist in male survivor recovery issues to help you process this. at some point you are going to have to share it with someone, because this secret has progressive toxic effects. find a therapist

lucky for you, you've begun to address the situation and are now taking steps to live in the solution by saying 'yes' to the recovery and healing path.

welcome to male survivor and please remember that you are not alone as you make this healing journey.

all the best,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#292332 - 06/19/09 02:02 PM Re: New to this-confused and haven't told anyone [Re: Sans Logos]
db.gibbons Offline


Registered: 06/19/09
Posts: 2
Loc: oregon
I can truly see myself in love with a female. However, I do not know how to get rid of these primal sexual urges to look at naked males. I always end up feeling depressed when I look at it and the end result is immense anger at myself.

I also don't know who I would talk to. I have two best guy friends but I would never dream of telling them. They have both confronted me, asking me if I am gay before and each time I vehemently deny it. This is because, deep down, I do not want to be gay and I also feel like I am not truly myself when I look at gay porn. I am heading off for college next year and I really want to figure this out before I leave.

Thanks,
Db


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#292348 - 06/19/09 05:04 PM Re: New to this-confused and haven't told anyone [Re: db.gibbons]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
db, obviously this is something that is costing you a lot in terms of energy investment, and overall sense of well being.

self loathing over potential gay feelings is something that goes hand in hand with a homophobic denial mechanism. of course we are born into a world that is predominantly heterosexual, and so we 'assume the position' [ like, up against the wall m-f'er] just because we are told to. we are so young and so vulnerable, fearful, no matter what our orientation, that if our true feelings were ever expressed or became known, that there would be retaliation. we have seen what has happened to others, such as matthew shephard, and fear creates a breeding ground for the tendency of denial to asserts itself.

initially, that seems like a good solution, but really to repress your own spirit has long range psychic damage.

you say you have two male friends who have picked up on a gay vibe; well assuming they are correct, what would be so terrible if they were correct. should it really matter, if they were true friends. true friends would give you all the lattitude and longitude you need, allowing you to grow into whoever you believe yourself to be, with out recrimination. they would go beyond mere tolerance into complete acceptance of you right where you are, not as how you should be.

guilt over being gay comes because we feel we have failed to measure up to someone elses value system. your sexuality should have no negative emotions attached to it. only positive, healthy and affirming ones, no matter who you are.

are you within yourself basically a decent person, who does not go around kicking dogs and shoplifting, taking candy from babies? then, no matter what your orientation sexually, you are a good man, and the essential YOU should not be defined by one mere aspect of your entire being.

it's high time the rest of the world changes its attitude about sexuality, and drop the fixation it has on gays as being all about the genitals. it is so much more than that. and really when it comes right down to it, it's nobody's business where you put what with consenting adults.

i hope you can recover to the point where it no longer matters what your orientation is. that you can feel just as much peace as a str8, gay, bi or trans person, as long as you believe that is who and how you are meant to be.

at any rate, we don't judge you here and you don't have to change a thing to suit us. no matter what you are, you are just fine; i hope while you are here, you can come to know and believe that about yourself.

all the best,

ron



_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#292852 - 06/24/09 02:05 PM Re: New to this-confused and haven't told anyone [Re: Sans Logos]
Tedure Offline


Registered: 04/17/09
Posts: 203
Loc: Utah
Hello and welcome!

In your post you said "I can truly see myself in love with a female." If that is what you feel in your heart. That should be your focus. "You get what you focus on consistently." I know this is true!! I can get aroused looking at guys so I avoid looking...most of the time. You won't win all the battles but you will win the WAR!! I have been married for 35 years. Life is good. Choose wisely,

Love and respect to you, Ted

_________________________
When you change the way you look at things the things you look at change.

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