I'm a 40 year old husband and father, just getting over the worst time of my life. I've been with my wife for nearly 20 years total, including the time we dated, and almost lost my marriage recently. Over the course of our relationship, I've had trouble communicating and being emotionally available. I've also had some anger issues mainly directed towards my father, and my wife finally convinced me to get help and face my past. So here it is...
Through some therapy and a LOT of hard work by myself, I was able to deal with memories and flashbacks of being molested first by my father as a 3 year old, then at other times by neighbors and cousins. My relationship with my mother as a young child raises questions, because she sexualized me, and I remember her making orgasm sounds while giving me a bath once. There are vague memories of things that happened with an aunt and uncle, but nothing too clear. Dealing with the memories of my father was the worst, because I clearly remember him making me perform oral sex on him and him raping me.
These events caused me to become a loner as I grew up, with failing grades in school, little social interaction and depression. Then in my teen years, my sexuality blossomed in all its insane glory, and I hid my pain and shame with wild sex in public places, multiple partners, older women, groupies and models. I spent some time modeling and got caught up in my own image, leading to the temptation of getting involved in pornography and prostitution. Fortunately I did neither. I also hid with alcohol, which was always available at the parties I attended.
When my wife met me at one of those parties, it changed my life forever and I started rebuilding. It's taken a long time for me to get over a lot of my habits and hangups, but I'm finally breaking through and finding out what a somewhat normal life can be like. My sexual appetite has wound down and I no longer engage in any risky behavior, nor do I drink alcohol. Due to my soft boundaries I've had a few close calls with other women, but haven't cheated.
My father just passed away at the end of May, and I was lucky enough to have gotten through the worst of my recovery and able to forgive him before he died. The memories still come back now and then, but not as painfully. My flashbacks have ended, though I trigger sometimes when I hear of children being molested. I'm very protective of my own children as well as others, and keep a close eye on sex offenders in my area. I currently work at a school in maintenance and also security.
It's hard for me to imagine myself as a good role model, and I still feel ashamed even though I know it wasn't my fault, but I'm doing everything I can to be the best person I can
be...starting with honesty and openness.
Thanks for listening.
"Then life must be always defended?"
"The thorn defends the rose. It harms only those who would steal the blossom from the plant."
Kung Fu, Episode 4