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#292054 - 06/17/09 09:50 AM Help for my brother, the saga continues...
lil'sis Offline


Registered: 06/15/09
Posts: 20
Loc: Texas
Before I begin, let me apologize for the length of this post. My brother and I emailed each other yesterday and I told him about this website as well as 1in6. I told him even if he didn't register and sign on, he could still read the posts and see how others are coping. This was his response...

I am good. I know that we have seen and dealt with a lot of stuff. I am trying to deal with this the best way I know and sometimes my emotions get in the way and screw me up. I try so hard but when I think of all of our problems, mine seems to shrink as I concentrate on other problems that may occur with this family. I try to combine ALL of them to at least not think about mine. Sometimes I would sleep all day or I would take one of my pills and trip all day. Yes I know that this is one of those things that has corrupted our world as we know it but how can one deal with it. I live with this thing every minute of every hour of every day, yearly. I have confronted many who have done what has happened to me, and you know those are the same people that took me out of law enforcement. Those very same type of people told me that my time as a United Staes Marine was over. Those are the same people who said that I should have trust in the Lord, those same people told me to have faith. Those same people took my pride as they have taken my life and played with it. But SOMEONE HAS TAKEN MY SOUL. But I still love him as my mentor, my guide to fulfillment and my path to family hood and most of all MY FATHER. How can there be any hate? How can I NOT thank him for my life? How can I not thank him for giving US this opportunity in this life to overcome all and many obstacles? BUT, WHY DID HE DO THIS TO ME? What if it were someone else in our family? What if it were some other child in another family? How long has this been going on? WHY DID IT HAPPEN at all? There is not enough tears that can amount to all the pain (PAIN) that something like this can make. There are no rules are regulations as it happens, only after the fact. Momma saw it but momma did nothing. Is this supposed to be a good WIFE? What and why did this happen? Is this a FATHER thing? Is this a PREACHER, MINISTER, PRIEST thing? So is GOD that messed up? Is this the way of the WORLD? If so, why ME? Why don't I have any children, wife, family of my own, grandchildren, etc.....? Am I cursed? Is this a crucifixion of one's own SON? Did our God the Father DO THIS TO HIS SON? If so, what the hell is a family? Why are we here? Why do we have faith and in what or WHO? I love you with every fiber of my soul, creation and life but what happened to me is un-called for however, I will do nothing because he is OUR father and I will not destroy this family but I will help build this family to make it to higher grounds, because the ground that we stand on is shaky and not solid. I will do what I can to make it stable. Because I love my family that much to keep us strong (STRONG) in every possible way. Regardless of how I feel or how I may seriously be, I will do whatever I can to let us MAKE IT. But all I want to do is FORGET and let go and MOVE ON with my LIFE. I love you baby...............

OK. Many who have read my previous posts have said that it is a good idea for me to start counseling, which my husband and I are already doing. Not for this situation, but for marital stress. As it turns out, our counselor works with Child abuse survivors as well. I have also been told that I can't get help for my brother, which I already know. He is coping the best way he knows how. But trying to forget about it has only made him a pill-popping, depressed drunk. I guess I'll just let it go, which I don't really know how. I know that what happened, happened to him, not me. But everything I knew about my parents, and the way I feel about them has changed and I don't know how to cope...I guess I will bump up those counseling sessions. Here is my response to my brother:
Know that I love you and will always be here for you no matter what. I am having a very hard time right now dealing with my feelings. i know that he is our father and that he along with mama are the reason we are here and that we should be thankful and grateful, I am. But you dropped a big huge bomb on me and not only am i trying to process this all i am trying to work through it. I know that this happened to you and not me , but how am i supposed to move on from this? you have been dealing with this a lot longer than me. everything that i thought i knew about our family has been completely wiped out. i can't even look at pictures of them. You deal with this the best way you know how. i am seeking answers because this has consumed me and i don't know how to deal...i asked our counselor for info so that i could pass it on to you. i have not told anyone, not even my husband. but i guess i'll start having counseling sessions of my own. as i told you, our marriage counselor specializes in this and works with the courts quite a bit. I know you are the one who went through this, but i am now dealing with this and if i don't do something to help, at least myself, i think i will be in real trouble...

Thanks for listening and feel free to post. I tried to edit for language, please forgive me if there is something I missed.


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#292088 - 06/17/09 05:01 PM Re: Help for my brother, the saga continues... [Re: lil'sis]
cstjude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
It's not unusual for some survivors to retreat after they have disclosed. Sometimes they minimize what happened to them or defend the abusers and those complicit in the abuse who failed ot protect them. How much more complex is that process when the abuser and his enabler are your parents! His post reveals a great deal of pain, shame, questioning, and denial. He doesn't want to be the one to destroy the family. But the fact is that a family that can't even protect its own children is already dysfunctional. He has to choose. Either he reclaims his own life, his own voice and identity or he lives the family fiction. The complicating factor is that there are other innocents at risk and - it sounds like - other abuses ready to be revealed just below the surface of this fiction that his sacrificing himself (and you other siblings too) will keep the family strong. The family is not strong - secrecy, abuse, and incest do not make a family strong.

Another question entirely is, what will you do with this information? A counsellor of your own is a really good idea.

C.

_________________________
C.
Female, Friends & Family Forum Fan

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#292096 - 06/17/09 06:05 PM Re: Help for my brother, the saga continues... [Re: cstjude]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Sis'

C hit the nail on the head. Denial will not make it go away and puts others in the family possibly at risk as well, but in the end that's his problem not yours unless you feel obligated to pull your collective family's head out of the sand. If you choose to do that prepare for the fecal matter to hit the wind impeller. Good may come of it or it may not.

As to your therapist.... Some will tell you it's not necessarily a good idea to use your couples councilor as your individual councilor as well. I'm one of them. I did and found it to present it's own set of troubles. Many therapist will not permit this because they consider it unethical and a conflict of interest. Ask this T for a referral either for one or the other and don't go to him for both.

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#292100 - 06/17/09 06:44 PM Re: Help for my brother, the saga continues... [Re: WalkingSouth]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear sis:

When Walkingsouth said: "As to your therapist.... Some will tell you it's not necessarily a good idea to use your couples councilor as your individual councilor as well. I'm one of them. I did and found it to present it's own set of troubles. Many therapist will not permit this because they consider it unethical and a conflict of interest. Ask this T for a referral either for one or the other and don't go to him for both."

I agree with him on this 100%. Find a referral because having a person on your side for support exclusively is so very important especially when dealing with this heavy issue. You need a counselor that makes you feel safe enough to not think twice about opening up and that you can trust without any danger of a conflict of interest.

S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#292217 - 06/18/09 03:27 PM Re: Help for my brother, the saga continues... [Re: cstjude]
lil'sis Offline


Registered: 06/15/09
Posts: 20
Loc: Texas
I spoke to my brother again and he said that he found a counselor. I don't know if this is true, time will tell.
I don't think I have the strength to be the one who ends the charade, but as they say, it all comes out in the wash...
Some of the others have suggested that I not see my couples counselor on an individual basis for this matter, but I should get a referral for a different counselor. I will consider this. I am comfortable with my counselor, so it would very difficult to find someone I think I can talk to.


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#292218 - 06/18/09 03:31 PM Re: Help for my brother, the saga continues... [Re: WalkingSouth]
lil'sis Offline


Registered: 06/15/09
Posts: 20
Loc: Texas
I will definitely consider a different counselor, difficult as it was to find one that I am comfortable with.


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#292219 - 06/18/09 03:34 PM Re: Help for my brother, the saga continues... [Re: sweet-n-sour]
lil'sis Offline


Registered: 06/15/09
Posts: 20
Loc: Texas
The counselor that we go to is someone I feel safe talking to, especially knowing that he deals with these types of situations. He is very kind and actually seems to be very laid back, which makes it that much more comforable. I will give this consideration, though.


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#292257 - 06/18/09 10:57 PM Re: Help for my brother, the saga continues... [Re: lil'sis]
cstjude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
Why not ask the counselor's opinion? I agree that an independent therapist might be the way to go. But maybe this counselor that you are so comfortable with might be able to refer you to someone who has the same qualities and competencies you admire.

C.

_________________________
C.
Female, Friends & Family Forum Fan

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#292323 - 06/19/09 11:04 AM Re: Help for my brother, the saga continues... [Re: cstjude]
lil'sis Offline


Registered: 06/15/09
Posts: 20
Loc: Texas
Thanks for the advice.


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