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#291766 - 06/15/09 08:33 PM BAD DAY !!
nltsaved Offline


Registered: 08/26/08
Posts: 849
Loc: Kc,Mo
Everything was going great today, had a good sleep and a good morning, wife made breakfast got to work and some were around 11:30 a heard a song come on the radio and i was instantly back as a kid remembering everything from my abuse to before the abuse and how i had had my first sexual experience with a male,
and than living with some one who abused me for 2yrs every single day . I still remember liking girls and it got to a point were it did not matter to me , i liked both. but i did no that it would matter to every one around me. i all ways new i needed to keep the attraction i had for males my own secret .
So confusing! i mean my guess is growing up with out abuse is confusing enough just because of the hormonal roller coaster alone.

With remembering all of this ,it just sent me on this long journey to places i did not want to go. i FU!@#$ hate this shit , a perfectly good day just gone to hell . This just gets F!@#$~ old . Just when you got things under control these freaking flash backs come on like a freaking flood , wave after wave after wave you can not get out of it , i pray a lot, it helps and works but than there a days were there is nothing you can do.
you can not run and hide you can not smoke enough , drink enough do anything to make it stop , been there done that trying not to do it today, if you no what i mean?

Been drink free for going on 7yrs , well anyway just wanted to vent i guess feel a little better all ready. sorry if this was confusing to understand just wanted blow steam. tried to keep it clean. thanks

_________________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-uYCAfpxrY
TRIGGER WARNING
Video of me telling my story
you are not alone never were
WRITTEN FORM
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=339159#Post339159
Why i hate Religion but love Jesus
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IAhDGYlpqY

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#291775 - 06/15/09 09:13 PM Re: BAD DAY !! [Re: nltsaved]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
One day at a time, my man. Sorry to hear about your experience. Flashbacks are our brain's way of reminding us that there are still some long-suppressed feelings that need to be addressed. Let's take a few deep breaths and try to get our thoughts back under control. Perhaps if you have the time and some privacy it might be good to write down your memories so that you can discuss them with your therapist. The last thing that you want to do is to feel sorry for yourself and have that ruin your record of sobriety. One minute at a time if necessary. Do you have any AA support there? It might be a good time to attend a meeting.

Anyhow, today's experience means that it is time to start dealing with this part of your past. And you are wrong, in that if you continue to put forth an honest effort in recovery, things will get better over time. So let's try to remedy that down thinking and let's try to work on this issue from your past. Keeping secrets is part of life before and during early recovery. Keeping secrets can cause shame and guilt. One of the things that will move you toward advanced recovery is divulging your secrets and beginning to deal with your shame and guilt. Doing so will begin to make you feel better about yourself, which will lead to greater confidence and the ability to accept greater risk. And then success breeds greater confidence and better self-esteem.

You are doing a great job with your sobriety, now it is time to get to work on this part of your past. And may tomorrow bring with it a better day.

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#291968 - 06/16/09 09:53 PM Re: BAD DAY !! [Re: Trucker51]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1962
I agree it gets better. And yes it sucks at first because so much yucky stuff gets stirred up. But it needs to be faced and it will get easier. Better to reach out here and vent then slip into old bad habits that won't serve you much purpose. Hang in there and hope this passes soon for you.

Eric


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#292238 - 06/18/09 07:05 PM Re: BAD DAY !! [Re: ericc]
nltsaved Offline


Registered: 08/26/08
Posts: 849
Loc: Kc,Mo
thanks guys , for the support. and i am not thinking about using again i was just stating that . drinking or smoking my problems away was and is not the answer , "been there done that" i no it is not the answer .

i just needed to vent that is all. i went places in my mind that i have not been to in a long time . and as fare as a therapist i have never seen one for my abuse i have had some counseling from my church i pretty much have dealt with this stuff all my life and have not done to bad of a job. but i am realizing that i will see one soon tho just to hit on some points that i might have missed , considering all the research i have done myself . well any way thanks again and sorry i did not reply sooner just to let you guys no all is well . thanks have a blessed one .

_________________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-uYCAfpxrY
TRIGGER WARNING
Video of me telling my story
you are not alone never were
WRITTEN FORM
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=339159#Post339159
Why i hate Religion but love Jesus
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IAhDGYlpqY

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