Everything was going great today, had a good sleep and a good morning, wife made breakfast got to work and some were around 11:30 a heard a song come on the radio and i was instantly back as a kid remembering everything from my abuse to before the abuse and how i had had my first sexual experience with a male,
and than living with some one who abused me for 2yrs every single day . I still remember liking girls and it got to a point were it did not matter to me , i liked both. but i did no that it would matter to every one around me. i all ways new i needed to keep the attraction i had for males my own secret .
So confusing! i mean my guess is growing up with out abuse is confusing enough just because of the hormonal roller coaster alone.
With remembering all of this ,it just sent me on this long journey to places i did not want to go. i FU!@#$ hate this shit , a perfectly good day just gone to hell . This just gets F!@#$~ old . Just when you got things under control these freaking flash backs come on like a freaking flood , wave after wave after wave you can not get out of it , i pray a lot, it helps and works but than there a days were there is nothing you can do.
you can not run and hide you can not smoke enough , drink enough do anything to make it stop , been there done that trying not to do it today, if you no what i mean?
Been drink free for going on 7yrs , well anyway just wanted to vent i guess feel a little better all ready. sorry if this was confusing to understand just wanted blow steam. tried to keep it clean. thanks