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#291733 - 06/15/09 04:44 PM Re: help for my brother... [Re: lil'sis]
Geeders Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 1901
Loc: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
Hi Sis:

First, welcome. And also, thank you for being such a good sis for your brother. He really needs you right now, and from what you have written, its sounds to me like you are doing a fine job.

Your brother is at a stage in his life when he may be wondering whats left. Sort of a mid life crisis. He's looking forward to what life he will lead as he gets older. But in order to do that, he has to also resolve issues in his past. Not only does it have to include failed realtionships, and maybe figuring what to do about them, it also includes his prior abuse. I was 51 when I turned into a blubbering mess in front of a bunch of guys, supposedly having a good time on a guys only weekend. I started to cry, and sob, and carry on, fueled by too much to drink. There was a saying a long time ago that loose lips sink ships. Well, my ship of denial went down to the bottom of the sea.

I hadn't told my wife or anyone else. Being married for 27 years at the time, and being together for 32 years, that was quite a secret to suddenly spring on her out of the blue. But I simply had to do it. Like you, she has been very supportive, loving and understanding.

The suggestions that have been offerd thus far ar good ones. Read as much as you can about the subject. Mic Hunter's book Abused Boys is good as is Mike Lew's Victims No Longer. I just met Mike Lew on Friday, and he knows what he's talking about.

The issue of other victims is indeed a tricky one, and one that must be handled both carefully, and according to the laws governing your state. If you believe that there are any minor children who may have been abused, you may have a duty under the law to report it. Check with your local child welfare agency to see what the requirements are. In the meantime, keep in mind that the story, at least right now, belongs to your brother, and its up to him to decide if he wishes to share it with the now 20 year old grandson. Above all, everyone, older and younger needs to stay safe. Until the dust settles a little bit this may be up to you.

Encourage your brother to come on here, and realize that he is not alone. We are a good bunch of guys who have been down the road a few times. And when one guy doesn't know how to answer your question, another brother will be along shortly who does.

Welcome again. Keep doing what you're doing.Its the right thing to do.

Jim

_________________________
My name is Jim
WoR Mysthaven 2008, Level 2 WoR Alta 2009, Kirkridge 2010, 2011, Oprah 200 men

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#291737 - 06/15/09 05:05 PM Re: help for my brother... [Re: cstjude]
lil'sis Offline


Registered: 06/15/09
Posts: 20
Loc: Texas
Wow, you really hit the nail on the head...


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#291738 - 06/15/09 05:09 PM Re: help for my brother... [Re: Geeders]
lil'sis Offline


Registered: 06/15/09
Posts: 20
Loc: Texas
Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. My brother is 50 yrs old and according to him, he started remembering things years ago. As far as I can remember, his relationship with my dad has always been tense, but I could never imagine this would be the reason why. How do I face my parents? My mother, did she really know the way my brother thinks? wow...just so much to process...I have sent the link to the website to him and he said that he will check it out.


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#291743 - 06/15/09 05:17 PM Re: help for my brother... [Re: Shadow+Walker]
lil'sis Offline


Registered: 06/15/09
Posts: 20
Loc: Texas
You mentioned that I should consider counseling for myself...ironically, my husband and I have just begun counselling to get through some marital difficulties and our counselor just happens to specialize in rape, child molestation, etc...Wow! Was I being set up for this or what?


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#291744 - 06/15/09 05:32 PM Re: help for my brother... [Re: lil'sis]
Geeders Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 1901
Loc: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
Originally Posted By: lil'sis
Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. My brother is 50 yrs old and according to him, he started remembering things years ago. As far as I can remember, his relationship with my dad has always been tense, but I could never imagine this would be the reason why. How do I face my parents? My mother, did she really know the way my brother thinks? wow...just so much to process...I have sent the link to the website to him and he said that he will check it out.


Hey Sis:

Slow down and breathe. You are going through a lot right now. Its overwhelming to say the least changing the rules, and potentially roles of your parents in mid life. Give yourself a break. You won't be able to figure things out until your brother does. You can however continue to help him, love him, believe him, and support him. Remember, please, that he has to be the one to decide what to do from here on. What to do, how to do it, when to do it must be his decision. I know you probably want to go tear ass up the road screaming, but hang on a sec. The abuse was your brothers. Keeping the secret was something that your brother had to do for many, many reasons. His decision to now disclose is a signal that he wants to take back the control over his life that his abuser took away from him.

Help him, be there for him, let him cry, listen to him. Love him, support him, and maybe even guide him a bit, as you have already done. Remember to also take care of yourself. If you crash and burn, who will be there for your brother? If and when he gets here, if he wants, he can send me a pm (private message). You can too. Just click on my profile by clicking on my screen name. Let's keep it safe, and dignified for him.

Breathe in, hold it for a sec, breathe out. Repeat as necessary. grin

Jim

_________________________
My name is Jim
WoR Mysthaven 2008, Level 2 WoR Alta 2009, Kirkridge 2010, 2011, Oprah 200 men

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#291745 - 06/15/09 05:36 PM Re: help for my brother... [Re: Geeders]
lil'sis Offline


Registered: 06/15/09
Posts: 20
Loc: Texas
thank you...that really does help!


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