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#291587 - 06/14/09 03:50 PM My first post - feeling lost, sexually confused
sigurog Offline


Registered: 06/13/09
Posts: 7
Loc: England
Hi everyone,

I have read the posts in here for some time and it has really helped me see some strong people and made me feel less alone in this.

I was abused as youngster by my parents friend, now as a 21 year adult i realised that my social anxiety, sexual fantasies, confusion on sexuality, frustration was not my fault and i sought therapy which i have been in for about a year.

I have made a lot of progress but when i am alone i really lose myself, i used to have a strong addiction to internet porn and feel guilty and ashamed every night watching sordid acts. I have managed to take control but occasionally i still get these compulsions and urges to cheat on my gf with any1 or watch sordid porn.

I need to know how to be rid of these drives. I will not make myself feel guilty and ashamed anymore - i am so desperate when i lose control - suicide comes to mind but its never a real option to me. I struggle at the weekend the most if i m alone. Myself esteem and depression take a hold and then i seek comfort in porn etc.

Can anyone give me a success story? I feel so lost and alone, i need some support...please


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#291595 - 06/14/09 06:12 PM Re: My first post - feeling lost, sexually confused [Re: sigurog]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
hello sigurog,

i am sorry to hear you are under such duress. dealing with guilt and shame over having been abused is enough of a weight on its own, but add to that feelings of self-loathing because of 'these drives' as you call them, just complicates matters.

you say you are in therapy, but i wonder how effective the course of treatment, or even if your therapist is familiar with male survivor issues. a lot of times if they are not, they end up just treating the symptoms [which you have nicely managed to identify].

i suggest to continue reading the threads here; your story sounds so familiar, and you should be able to identify with it all over these boards.

pm someone who you identify with, and see if they can suggest what may have worked for them in the past. also, check the resources list and consider locating a male survivor specialist in your area. also, go thru our site to amazon.com and order the survivors bible 'victims no longer' by mike lew.

those are all good places to begin to alleviate immediately some of the internal stress you are experiencing at this time. and continue to post your thoughts and feelings here; you'll be surprised how much it helps to get the poison out.

all the best,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#291610 - 06/14/09 09:26 PM Re: My first post - feeling lost, sexually confused [Re: Sans Logos]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2582
Just started working on those addiction issues myself. Much of how you say you feel etc, during and after is exactly how I feel. :-(

I started going to an SLAA meeting (Sex and Love Adicts Anonymous) and I've been trying to break some of those addictions. Hopefully in time it'll get better.

Been in active recovery (seeing a T etc) for about a year myself.


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#291620 - 06/14/09 10:30 PM Re: My first post - feeling lost, sexually confused [Re: JustScott]
Pete2004 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/06/04
Posts: 958
Loc: North Carolina
Hey sigurog:

I stand as one of those guys who started down recovery road and things have gotten a whole lot better. Your post describes me just a few years ago. It is a vicious cycle of porn, guilt, depression, turning away from porn, a triggering event or triggering pressure and right back into the downward spiral. I had no resistance to internet porn! I felt guilty, I am married with kids. My behavior was totally in opposition to who I was and wanted to be.

Reading the posts and chatting with the guys here, I slowly began to understand how the abuse affected me. Coming to the site let me know that I was not crazy OR alone.

Have you read Mike Lew's book Victims No Longer?

http://www.malesurvivor.org/bookstore.html

It is the most comprehensive book available concerning the impact abuse has on us. It was hard for me to read the first time, but it was also freeing.

Hang in there...there is freedom for you.

Pete

_________________________
There is a destiny that makes us brothers;
No one goes his way alone;
What we send into the lives of others,
comes back into our own. (Edwin Markham)

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#291645 - 06/15/09 12:40 AM Re: My first post - feeling lost, sexually confused [Re: Pete2004]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1970
Hi Sigurog,

I have had issues with online porn. And sometimes it would be pretty bad and I would not feel good about the behavior. But I would always come back to it. I have actually been good lately in that I haven't really even had the drive to look at it lately (not saying that I won't slip into old habits again, but it really has been good for me lately). I would say for me that what has helped bring this about is dealing with the underlying sexual issues that I have, which for me include having be violated sexually by a peer when I was younger. I know for certain it is related to my behavior. But yeah, it is really worth the effort to face this stuff and a lot of these things that end up being symptoms of the abuse tend to change for the better when you face the underlying issues. It can be hard at first, but when you see some of the positive results you realize it is worth it.

Eric


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