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#29141 - 08/21/05 12:29 AM Re: "liking it" (BIG triggers)
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Thanks Jasper. I need to check this up in ML's book.

Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#29142 - 08/21/05 03:16 PM Re: "liking it" (BIG triggers)
Craig Mat Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/10/05
Posts: 34
Loc: Barrie, Ont, Canada
Larry,
can I ever relate to what your saying, my uncle took a long time to groom me he was my only friend the only one that loved me & he kept me to himself and the boy next door that he was abusing also.
This went on for 4 yrs at age 7. I know no difference I thought he loved me, I know my Mom & Dad didn't they sent me away. I did what ever he wanted just so he would stay with me & love me.
In order to support his love he would take just me & the boy next door fishing, camping he had a hunting camp that we used a lot.
He took a long time very slow, the both of them and I went along willingly just so I didn't loose them.
I know the difference now but I still feel some love for him I don't understand this. I can hate the others that abused me but he is different?

Sorry I have a tendency to run on once I get started.

Craig, Have a nice day everyone.


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#29143 - 08/21/05 03:49 PM Re: "liking it" (BIG triggers)
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Larry,

Hoo, boy, you've hit on something I still have problems dealing with.

My abuser, a guidance counselor at my middle school, knew just what buttons to press. He got me from a to be to c until HE hit Nirvana. Now, I realize that, even when I was confused about what he was doing, I loved himm. At least HE made me think I loved him.

I guess when he got "bored" with the "vanilla" aspects of his activities, he introduced more shameful and humiliating activities and, no matter how bad they got, or how violent he became, I physically responded.

MAJOR TRIGGER! MAJOR TRIGGER! MAJOR TRIGGER!


Even when he tried to murder me, TWICE!, when he was threatening me with weapons and had me helpless, unable to even ****ing SCREAM for help, I still got "aroused." This is hard to admit to, because it's colored all my perceptions of sex. It used to color my idea of "love" - for during THESE moments, as well as every ****ing OTHER moment of his abuse, he's say he "loved" me - until I realized what utter BULL**** that was!


END TRIGGERS! END TRIGGERS! END TRIGGERS!

If you read that, you can see how angry, embarassed, shamed, and sick I am about it still.

The point is that it was out of my hands. How else could I respond to it? It was physical and mental abuse. I was a kid who didn't frigging know better. What 11 year old would?

What child at ANY age would?

We respond to so many things. Physical stimulation, mental images, emotional needs. Any of those things can indicate "wanting" something to happen. But you have to ask yourself, in all honesty, how did YOU feel when the abuse happened? Were these feelings positive or negative? I believe there's a level of rationalization that happens, but the bottom line is that WE know what we want and what we DIDN'T.

You didn't want that abuse. Never. No matter what the abuser told you. The lies were not only a power he had over you, but a rationalization to them that what they were doing wasn't the wrong thing you KNOW it was.

In case no one said this to you, I believe you.

God, I wish someone gave me the chance to hear that.

Peace and love,

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#29144 - 08/21/05 04:41 PM Re: "liking it" (BIG triggers)
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Scot,

Thanks a lot for that post. I am so sorry to hear what happened to you. It just keeps reminding me what a huge violation of trust all these SA issues involve.

I hit on something you said that really jumped up at me:

Quote:
But you have to ask yourself, in all honesty, how did YOU feel when the abuse happened? Were these feelings positive or negative? I believe there's a level of rationalization that happens, but the bottom line is that WE know what we want and what we DIDN'T.
I can answer this in two ways. By about a year into the abuse my perp had my sense of worth as a kid totally destroyed; even though I was from a close and loving family environment, he managed to convince me that my parents didn't love me and that I was in all ways a failure. The only thing I had, I thought, was him. I did know that what we were doing was wrong, and the fact that I enjoyed the physical part just proved how bad and dirty I was. After being raped however many times, I discovered wow I'm not bleeding anymore. I remember thinking I'm not good for anything else so at least I'm good at this.

But that was just a desperate devastated kid acting out and finding a way to justify his survival. (I had a lot of suicidal thoughts and those really frightened me.) What confirms this to me is a recurring nightmare I have been having lately. In this one I am in bed with my PJs open and someone is going down on me. I know who it is, but I am too ashamed to look. I want him to stop but I'm too frightened and confused to speak. I'm in tears and wondering why doesn't anyone help me? Then I think no, that would mean someone will find us like this or I have to tell, so I just keep my eyes closed and let it happen.

Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#29145 - 08/21/05 05:20 PM Re: "liking it" (BIG triggers)
Ivanhoe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
Ya, this is a rough thread to read, to re-live.
Maybe I should wait until I can write something.
Right now, I'm still thinking about the 8th grade teacher to whom I went for help with my school work only to end up as his sex toy. And the thing that I remember most is that I'm glad that he wasn't my classroom teacher. Knowing him, he probably would have used that leverage against me, too. He really was an evil shit.
Ya, maybe I should wait until later today to say any more.

David

_________________________
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

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#29147 - 08/22/05 05:46 AM Re: "liking it" (BIG triggers)
Dan'l Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/22/05
Posts: 1
Loc: South Puget Sound
Hello,

This is my first post. I'm thankful to have found this forum! On enjoying it.. Sometimes I feel as though I was betrayed by my body, like it's reaction may have encouraged my abusers.

I had tryed to put the topic of my abuse away but being newly married, sharing little bits with my wife, and having an instant family (step son) seem to be causing a lot of the things that I thought I had been able to put away to come to the surface.

I guess I'll never be done with this stuff.. it's a bit depressing to be honest. But I have a strong relationship with both God and my wife, and being an optimist at heart I know I'll get through it. I just don't think that I can go through it alone anymore.

That's why I'm here. I came looking for anything and anyone who could relate and maybe be of some help getting though my "Recovery".

Glad to be here.
Dan'l

_________________________
Dan'l

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